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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #3256
    34_40's Avatar
    34_40 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    GROAN.... that was bad!!..

  2. #3257
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Johnny is playing at the curb with turpentine, lighting it and watching it burn. Along comes Pastor Fuzz, he asks, what are you playing with Johnny? Turpentine answers Johnny. Oh, says the good Pastor you shouldn't be playing with that stuff. Why not says Johnny? You could get burned pretty bad with that stuff. Well, what should I play with? Holy water says the good Pastor. What'll that do asks Johnny? If you rub it on a woman's tummy she'll pass a baby. Heck, that ain't nuttin says Johnny you rub this on a cats behind and it'll pass a motorcycle.
    Rrumbler, 34_40, Jack F and 1 others like this.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  3. #3258
    Rrumbler is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Nine year old Johnny (there's that Johnny kid again) is struggling with his math; the teacher is at her wits end, mom and dad aren't happy, he is getting failing grades in it. As a last resort, they enroll him at a Catholic school because they have a reputation for educational excellence. The first day of school, Johnny comes home from school and goes straight to his room, quietly closes the door and sets to work on his math; his mom checked up on him, and he is deep into his books. He only came out for his supper, and then went back to his math until bed time. This became his daily routine, and at the end of the first semester, he brings his report card home in a sealed envelope, unopened, and gives it to his mom, then heads to his room. Mom opens the report card and sees an A in the math line. At supper, his folks are so pleased, and ask him: what made the difference? was it the Nuns? No he said. Was it the strict discipline? No, he replied. Well, his dad asked, what made this amazing difference in your math grades? Johnny answered: well, when I walked in the front door the first day of school, I saw that guy nailed up on that plus sign, and I knew they were really serious about math.

    .
    40FordDeluxe likes this.
    Rrumbler, Aka: Hey you, "Old School", Hairy, and other unsavory monickers.

    Twistin' and bangin' on stuff for about sixty or so years; beat up and busted, but not entirely dead - yet.

  4. #3259
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Paddy wasn’t feeling too crash-hot so went to visit his local Doctor.
    When he returned home Mary asked him what the doc had to say about him.
    “I don’t really know,” replied Paddy. “He just told me to bring in a specimen to-morrow. But what’s a specimen?”
    “I don’t know,” said Mary, “but Father O’Leary, who’s an educated man, would.”
    “That Papist mongrel! You know I don’t get on with him! Every time we meet we finish in a punch-up!”
    “Well you just be on your best behavior and be nice and polite to him.” said Mary.
    Paddy muttered and grumbled, but having no other options went to seek out Father O’Leary.
    Half an hour later he returned home.
    His shirt is torn almost from his back, one eye is rapidly closing, his nose is spread across his face, one ear is ripped, his lip is split, and he’s lost a couple of teeth.
    “Begorrah but what’s happened to you!” shrieked Mary. “I thought I told you to speak nicely to him and be polite!”
    “I didn’t start it,” mumbled Paddy through his split lip. “I asked him nicely “Father, what’s a specimen?” and begorrah if he didn’t laugh at me and say “Go piss in a bottle.” So I replied “Go shit in your hat,” and the fight was on!”
    Rrumbler, Jack F and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

  5. #3260
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Never try to be clever with a woman.

     



    A woman was going to Italy on a ten-day business trip. Before leaving, she asked her husband if there was a present he wanted her to bring back.
    “How about an Italian girl?” he laughed.

    The suggestion was met with stony silence.

    Ten days later, she returned home and he asked her whether she’d had a good trip.
    “Yes, it was surprisingly enjoyable,” she replied.
    “And where’s my present?” he smiled.
    “What present?”
    “The one I asked for – an Italian girl.”

    “Oh, that! I did what I could; now we have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl.”
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

  6. #3261
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
    'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
    'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
    'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
    So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
    The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
    The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
    The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a POLITICIAN.'
    Rrumbler, cffisher, 34_40 and 1 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

  7. #3262
    Al G's Avatar
    Al G is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    That's a good one.

  8. #3263
    34_40's Avatar
    34_40 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    That was a good one JB!

  9. #3264
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    This one most likely been told before but had me laughing

    IMMUTABLE LAWS

    Law of Mechanical Repair
    After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

    Law of Gravity
    Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

    Law of Probability
    The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

    Law of Random Numbers
    If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

    Variation Law
    If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

    Law of the Bath
    When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

    Law of Close Encounters
    The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

    Law of the Result
    When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

    Law of Biomechanics
    The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

    Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

    The Coffee Law
    As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold

    Murphy's Law of Lockers
    If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

    Law of Physical Surfaces
    The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated
    to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

    Law of Logical Argument
    Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

    Law of Physical Appearance
    If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

    Law of Public Speaking
    -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

    Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-
    As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

    Doctors' Law
    If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better.
    But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
    Rrumbler, johnboy, 34_40 and 1 others like this.

  10. #3265
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him ; 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
    'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
    He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

  11. #3266
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Nearing the end, an old man is surrounded by his loved ones.

    As the final moment approaches, he whispers, “I must tell you my greatest secret.”

    His family urges him to go on. “Before I got married, I had it all,” he explains,

    “Fast cars, cute girls and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me, ‘Get married and start a family. Other wise, no one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you’re on your deathbed.’

    So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are. And you know what?”

    “What?”

    “I’m not even thirsty!”
    34_40 likes this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  12. #3267
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Hillary is talking to The Pope, and he says:

    “With but one wave of my hand, I can make these people feel joy. A joy that nothing else in the world can bring. And it will be an eternal, everlasting joy.”

    Hillary says:

    “I’ll believe that when I see it.”

    And so, the Pope raises his hand into the air, And slaps her across the face, and the crowd goes wild.
    ted dehaan, shine, 34_40 and 2 others like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  13. #3268
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Spiel cheque

     



    Eye halve a spelling chequer
    It came with my pea sea
    It plainly marques for my revue
    Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

    I strike a quay end type a word
    And weight four it two say
    Weather eye am wrong oar write
    It shows me strait a weigh.

    As soon as a mist ache is maid
    It nose bee fore two long
    And eye can putt the error rite
    Its rare lea ever wrong.

    Eye have wrung this poem threw it
    I am shore yore pleased two no
    Its litter perfect awl the whey
    My chequer tolled me sew.
    Last edited by johnboy; Yesterday at 09:33 PM. Reason: sPEling miss steak
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

  14. #3269
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. Fearing the worst, and with trembling hands, she opens it.

    Dear Mum,
    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found a real passion, and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos, and his big motorcycle.
    But it is not only that mum, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed says that we will be very happy in his caravan in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me, and that's also one of my dreams.
    I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt any-one and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who will be providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.
    In the meantime we'll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better, he deserves it.
    Don't worry mum, I'm 15 years old now, and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to get to know your grandchildren.
    Your loving daughter,
    Jenny.






    P.S. Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my School Report Card that's in my desk drawer.
    Jenny.
    34_40 and Jack F like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

  15. #3270
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    After 12 children an Irish couple decided enough was enough, so the husband went to the Doctor to find out what their options were.
    "Well, you could have a vasectomy," said the Doc., "that would fix the problem, but it's very expensive."
    When the Irishman pleaded poverty, the Doctor continued: "There is a cheaper alternative, go home, get the largest firecrackers you can find, put them all in a beer can, light it, hold it up next to your ear, and count to ten."
    "C'mon, said the patient,"I mayn't be the brightest crayon in the box, but I can't see how firecrackers in a beer can will help me!"
    "Trust me," said the Doc., "it will do the job."
    So the man went home, put lots of crackers in a beer can, lit it, held it up to his ear, and began to count: "1,2,3,4,5,......." at which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so as to continue counting on the other hand.

    This option can also be applied in Auckland, Australia, and Washington.
    34_40 and Jack F like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

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