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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #3241
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    And the winners of supply alternate meanings for common words are:

    1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
    2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
    3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
    4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
    5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
    6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
    7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
    8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
    9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
    10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
    11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
    12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
    13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
    14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
    15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
    16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
    Rrumbler, johnboy, 34_40 and 2 others like this.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  2. #3242
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    Chinese Sex


    While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the
    time he is there.

    A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his ***** covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes
    to see a doctor.
    The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it..'

    The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

    The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate
    your *****.'

    The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

    The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only
    choice.'

    The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his ***** and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

    The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my *****!'

    The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

    Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

    'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  3. #3243
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    I hate it when I make spelling mistakes.

    You only have to mix up two letters and your whole sentence is urined.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

  4. #3244
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

    No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

    Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

    The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

    Life is short, smile while you still have teeth
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  5. #3245
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    Quote Originally Posted by johnboy View Post
    I hate it when I make spelling mistakes. You only have to mix up two letters and your whole sentence is urined.

    Don't that just piss you off?!?!?!

    (Sorry.. I couldn't resist)
    Rrumbler, johnboy and stovens like this.

  6. #3246
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    Pissed off..

    Isn't that how the condom crossed the road?
    Rrumbler, johnboy and 34_40 like this.
    .
    Education is expensive. Keep that in mind, and you'll never be terribly upset when a project goes awry.
    EG

  7. #3247
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    "Shopping in Texas
    My grandpa would always tell me that when he was growing up, in rural Texas, his momma would give him $1 and send him down to the store. He'd come back with 2 loaves of bread, half a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a pound of pork. He says you can't do that now-a-days, way too many security cameras."
    Rrumbler and Driver50x like this.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  8. #3248
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    People frequently complain about the police, but you rarely hear about
    the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen
    carburetor. Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a Virginia State Trooper
    on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker
    was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect
    the face from the cold weather.

    "What's the matter? asked the Trooper.

    "Carburetor's frozen,"was the terse reply.

    "Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

    "I can't," said the biker.

    "OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped
    and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. Moments later
    the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

    A few days later, the local State Troopers' Area office
    received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. It began:
    "On behalf of my daughter Janice...
    Rrumbler, johnboy, 34_40 and 3 others like this.

  9. #3249
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England. She was looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.

    They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.

    HM said to them: “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen."

    After they show her their ankles, the Queen said: “It is also important that you don’t have knobby knees, so I need to see your knees too.”

    Once she has seen their knees, she says: “Now everything appears to be in shape, so I just need to see your testimonials.”

    Nine years later, when the pair are released from prison, one of the blokes said to the other:

    ”I reckon, if we’d just had just a bit more education, we would have got that job!”





    A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look 10 years younger



    A little girl was at a wedding with her parents.
    Slightly confused, after the nupitals, she asked her mother why the bride changed her mind.

    “What do you mean?” responded her mother, looking perplexed.

    “Well,” the little girl, with the kind of observational powers only a child can manage. “She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another!”



    I was in a couple's home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password.
    "Start with a capital S, then 123," she shouted back.
    We tried S123 several times, but it didn't work. So we called the wife in.
    As she input the password, she muttered, "I really don't know what's so difficult about typing 'Start123.'"



    Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

    Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.



    There were two fish in a tank. One of them said to the other: "How do you drive this thing?"



    A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

    "Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.

    "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

    Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked, "What was wrong with it?"

    "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.

    The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."



    Q: What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?

    A: U.C.L.A.


    Q: Did you hear about the comedian owl?

    A: He was a real hoot.


    Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?

    A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.


    Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?

    A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.


    Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?

    A: An umbrella.


    Q: What do you call a surgeon with eight arms?

    A: A doctopus!
    Last edited by johnboy; 05-10-2018 at 10:16 PM.
    Rrumbler, 34_40 and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

  10. #3250
    Jack F's Avatar
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    Little Johnny and little Mary are in the sand box playing when little Johnny pulls out the front of his pants, points down and says....ha ha, I have one of these and you don't. Little Mary pulls out her pants, looks down, starts to cry and runs home to Mommy. :Mommy asks little Mary what's wrong? After little Mary tells her, Mommy whispers in her ear. Little Mary comes back out with a big smile and goes up to little Johnny, pulls out her pants pointing down and says.... my Mommy says with one of these I can get all those I want.
    Rrumbler, 34_40 and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    www.clubhotrod.com/forums/showthread.php?t=44081

  11. #3251
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    Wait For It....

    PortaJohn.jpg
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  12. #3252
    MorrisM is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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  13. #3253
    fitzwilly's Avatar
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    Prince Harry's Bachelor Party - Quote of the Day...

    "It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill
    has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."
    Rrumbler, johnboy and 40FordDeluxe like this.

  14. #3254
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    When you're from a farming family your perception is a little bit different.


    A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

    "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

    "No, they went to town."

    "How about your brother Howard. Is he here?"

    “No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

    The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

    "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."

    The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
    Rrumbler, 34_40, Jack F and 2 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

  15. #3255
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Breaking News From Aussie!

     



    A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look 10 years younger.
    Rrumbler, Jack F and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

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