Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Originally Posted by TOW'D

"Hello?"
"Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you pumped out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I he isn't moving either."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

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doesn't look like they even started it up yet! LOL.. Here, hold my beer!

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
I wouldn't pay $200 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

I'm going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

I'm going to call it My Oughtabiography.

A sexy Maureen went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to Kevin the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked softly, stoking his face with both hands.
"Actually no", he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him'" she said running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed Kevin, "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him" she whispered," there’s no toilet paper, hand-soap or paper towels in the ladies room."

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, and then the new school year began.

One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across.

The next day they did the same thing, and the day after that.

The retiree then decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day, and do your thing".

The boys were more than happy, and continued to bang the bins. After a few days, the old man greeted the kids, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "I'm going to have to cut it down to 50 cents a day for you to keep banging the bins."

The kids were obviously unimpressed, but they accepted the reduction in payment, and continued their afternoon activities.

A few days later, the man approached them again. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my payment yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"That's it?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these around for 25 cents each a day, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

As a hobby I keep ten beehives. My queen bees are now getting older and slowing down, so I ordered ten more queens from an apiarist. They arrived, but there were eleven arrived in their containers.
So I notified them of their mistake.
They promptly got back to me to tell me that the eleventh was a freebie.

The only time I ever get asked for sex is on application forms.

I had to go to the doctor's this morning. He told me that my sugar was too high so I came home and put it on a lower shelf.

I feel better already.