Welcome to Club Hot Rod!  The premier site for everything to do with Hot Rod, Customs, Low Riders, Rat Rods, and more. 

  •  » Members from all over the US and the world!
  •  » Help from all over the world for your questions
  •  » Build logs for you and all members
  •  » Blogs
  •  » Image Gallery
  •  » Many thousands of members and hundreds of thousands of posts! 

YES! I want to register an account for free right now!  p.s.: For registered members this ad will NOT show

 
Like Tree2455Likes

Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

Reply To Thread
Page 215 of 221 FirstFirst ... 115 165 205 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 LastLast
Results 3,211 to 3,225 of 3309
  1. #3211
    Driver50x's Avatar
    Driver50x is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Saint Petersburg, Florida
    Posts
    227

    My friend has 2 tickets for the 2018 Daytona 500, both box seats. He paid $2,000 for both tickets, but he didn't realize when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. It's at St Anthony's church, Cambridge Ma.@ 3pm. Her name is Connie, she is 5'6 about 140lbs, good cook too. She'll be the one in the white dress...
    Steve

  2. #3212
    40FordDeluxe's Avatar
    40FordDeluxe is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Prairie City
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Ford Deluxe, 68 Corvette, 72&76 K30
    Posts
    6,105
    Blog Entries
    1

    A wedding, divorce,and funeral all in one day.
    Ryan
    1940 Ford Deluxe Tudor 354 Hemi 46RH Electric Blue w/multi-color flames, Ford 9" Residing in multiple pieces
    1968 Corvette Coupe 5.9 Cummins Drag Car 11.43@130mph No stall leaving the line with 1250 rpm's and poor 2.2 60'
    1972 Chevy K30 Longhorn P-pumped 24v Compound Turbos 47RH Just another money pit
    Tire Sizes

  3. #3213
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Opunake NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford, sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    1,897

    Did you hear about the guy who was charged with murdering a man with sandpaper?
    He really intended to just rough him up a bit.


    Then there was the apprentice who got caught drinking brake fluid.
    His boss told him to be careful he didn’t get addicted; but he said he could stop any time.


    A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use two people remembering the same things.


    In my experience you need only two tools in the workshop. WD 40 if it doesn’t move and it should, and duct tape if it does move and shouldn’t.


    A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
    The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
    Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
    The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!"
    34_40 and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  4. #3214
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    631

    A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
    A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
    The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
    He replied, "They had avocados."
    If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
    Men will get it the first time.
    53 Chevy5, johnboy, 34_40 and 2 others like this.

  5. #3215
    53 Chevy5's Avatar
    53 Chevy5 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Doon, Ia
    Car Year, Make, Model: 53 Chevy 3100
    Posts
    1,744

    I must be 1/2 women, I had to read it 3 times
    34_40 and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    Seth

    God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing. C.S.Lewis

  6. #3216
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Tigard
    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
    Posts
    2,148

    Friend of mine called & asked me if I could loan him $500 to help him pay his rent. I told him, "Give me a minute let me check my money situation & I'll call you right back."

    Before I could check my account his sister calls & says, "Don’t give him any money because he's lying.” His Sister proceeds to tell me that he wants to use that $500 to get his girlfriend out of jail because he wants to be under the same roof with her for Valentine's Day.

    So I thought about it for a minute, and decided to go ahead and give him the $500 because we all need help at times. So I called him back & said, "I got you."

    A couple hours later, I got a call from the county jail and it was him. I say, "Hello" and he starts screaming & asking, “Why did you give me counterfeit money?!"

    I replied, "So you & your girlfriend would be under the same roof for Valentine's Day..."
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  7. #3217
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Tigard
    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
    Posts
    2,148

    A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.

    As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out.

    Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.

    The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

    After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and £50,000.

    A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

    The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.

    After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.

    The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.

    He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money … but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates.”

    To this the Arab replied: “Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now”.
    RestoRod, 34_40 and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  8. #3218
    Dave Severson is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Madison
    Car Year, Make, Model: '67 Ranchero, '57 Chevy, '82 Camaro,
    Posts
    20,691

    We had a guy here locally who just lost his license to practice medicine, he got caught sleeping with one of his ex-patients! What a waste, all those years in school, all the studying and expense, all that time as an intern and putting up with all the crap from the Doctor's on staff! As a new Doc, he had to take all the cases the other doctors didn't want while they took the glory and good paying cases. He just bought a new Corvette, making payments on it so I suppose it will get repossessed. Kind of a damn shame, he was a really good Veterinarian!
    RestoRod, stovens and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, Live for Today!
    Carroll Shelby

    Learning must be difficult for those who already know it all!!!!

  9. #3219
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Tigard
    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
    Posts
    2,148

    This is a conversation between a man and a potential girlfriend.

    Woman: Do you drink beer?

    Man: Yes.

    Woman: How many beers a day?

    Man: Usually about 3.

    Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

    Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary!).

    Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

    Man: Oh, about 20 years, I suppose.

    Woman:So, a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day, which puts your spending each month at $450.00.
    In one year it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?

    Man: Correct.

    Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 or maybe more, correct?

    Man: Correct.

    Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account, and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

    Man: Do you drink beer?

    Woman: No.

    Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
    Jack F and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  10. #3220
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Tigard
    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
    Posts
    2,148

    Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

    Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: “Are you okay? What’s your name?”

    It’s John, and I’m okay, thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

    John,” she said, “forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”

    That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”

    "Oh, come on now,” Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive I was weak. “Well okay,” I finally agreed but thought to myself, “my wife won’t like it.”

    After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. I really need to go now.”

    Don’t be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. “She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

    Still under the cart, I guess.”
    johnboy, 34_40 and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  11. #3221
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Tigard
    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
    Posts
    2,148

    An elderly lady went to court for shoplifting.

    What is it that you stole?” the judge asked her.

    Well, Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches.”

    Alright. How many peaches were in the can?”

    Six,” she answered, wondering what he would ask that for.

    Okay. Well, I’m going to give you six days of jail, since there were six peaches in the can, okay?
    Does that sound fair to you?”

    Yes, Your Honor. I suppose it does.”

    “Your Honor!” her husband piped up. I thought you should also know… she also stole a can of peas…”
    TOW'D, johnboy, 34_40 and 2 others like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  12. #3222
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Tigard
    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
    Posts
    2,148

    With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”

    “No”, said her husband.

    She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

    He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

    She then asked, “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?”

    “No I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

    She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

    He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

    “Now” she said,“Have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?”

    “No way” he said becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied:

    “Good go look in the garage.”
    TOW'D, 34_40, Jack F and 1 others like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  13. #3223
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    631

    8 words with 2 meanings..
    1. THINGY (thing-ee) n
    Female... Any part under a car's hood.
    Male....... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

    2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
    Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
    Male....... Playing football without a cup.

    3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni- kay-shon) n.
    Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
    Male...... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

    4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
    Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
    Male....... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

    5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter- tayn-ment) n.
    Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
    Male....... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

    6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
    Female... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
    Male..... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

    7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
    Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
    Male...... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

    8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
    Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
    Male...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
    johnboy, 34_40 and 40FordDeluxe like this.

  14. #3224
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Tigard
    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
    Posts
    2,148

    A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

    "NO!" the children all answered.

    "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

    Again, the answer was "NO!"

    "Well," she continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"

    In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, "Well first you gotta be dead!"
    40FordDeluxe likes this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  15. #3225
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Opunake NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford, sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    1,897

    A married couple are travelling down the highway at about 40 mph with the husband behind the wheel.
    The wife looks over at him and says “Honey, I know we’ve been married for fifteen years; but I want a divorce.”
    The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 45 mph.
    She then says “I don’t want you to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend and he’s a better lover than you are.”
    Again the husband says nothing but speeds up a bit more as his anger continues to build.
    She says “I want the house.”
    Again the husband speeds up and is now doing 55 mph.
    She says “And I want the kids too.”
    The husband again says nothing but just drives a bit faster.
    Now he’s doing 70 mph.
    She says “And I want the car, the cheque account, and all our credit cards as well.”
    The husband starts to slowly veer towards the abutment of a bridge overpass.
    She says “You’re taking all this very well; isn’t there something you want?”
    The husband says “No; I’ve got all I need.”
    She says “Really? What’s that?
    Her husband, just before they hit the bridge abutment at 80 mph says “The airbag.”
    RestoRod likes this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Links monetized by VigLink