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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #3211
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    One evening, after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Hot Rod in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the workbench watching him.
    After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage."
    "You probably should consider selling your Hot Rod and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment... And what's the use of that old Harley motorcycle?"

    Bob looked horrified!

    She noticed and said, "Honey, what's wrong?"

    He replied, "You are starting to sound like my ex-wife."

    "Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

    Bob replied, "I wasn't..."
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  2. #3212
    34_40's Avatar
    34_40 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 Ford 3W Coupe Replica
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    FINALLY!! Something Funny!! rotflmao.. HAH!!!

  3. #3213
    40FordDeluxe's Avatar
    40FordDeluxe is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Prairie City
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Ford Deluxe, 68 Corvette, 72&76 K30
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    Blog Entries
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    That is awesome!
    Ryan
    1940 Ford Deluxe Tudor 354 Hemi 46RH Electric Blue w/multi-color flames, Ford 9" Residing in multiple pieces
    1968 Corvette Coupe 5.9 Cummins Drag Car 11.43@130mph No stall leaving the line with 1250 rpm's and poor 2.2 60'
    1972 Chevy K30 Longhorn P-pumped 24v Compound Turbos 47RH Just another money pit
    1971 Camaro RS 5.3 BTR Stage 3 cam, SuperT10
    Tire Sizes

  4. #3214
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    660

    A State Trooper pulled an 87-year-old woman over for speeding.
    As he looked at her driver's license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a concealed weapon permit.
    Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask, "Do you have a gun in your possession?"
    She replied in her crackly voice, "Indeed, I do. Why I have a 45 automatic in the glove box."
    The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons.
    She replied, "I have a 9 mm Glock in the center console."
    The shocked trooper asked, "Is that all the weapons you are transporting?"
    The little old lady held up her purse and replied, "Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse."
    Finally, the astonished trooper asked, "What are you afraid of?"
    And the little old lady smiled and replied: "Not a F- ing Thing."

  5. #3215
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
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    Technology? Good or Bad?

     



    I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
    She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
    "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
    "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

    As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
    NTFDAY and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  6. #3216
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    another oldie

    I was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.
    I asked my wife if she would go to Lowes and pick up a hinge. She agreed
    to go. While she was waiting for the manager, Charlie, to finish serving a
    customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the manager was
    finished, She asked him, "How much is that faucet?

    The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00."

    She exclaimed, "My goodness, that's an expensive faucet - certainly out of
    my price range.." She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent
    her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and it was $3.49.
    He then went into the storeroom to get one.

    From the storeroom, the manager yelled. "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the
    hinge?"

    She shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

    This is why you can't send a woman to Lowes
    NTFDAY, johnboy, JeffB2 and 3 others like this.

  7. #3217
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Crikey Hank, that's a bit rough!

    (Funny though!)

    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  8. #3218
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
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    The sheriff enters the bar. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks.
    "What does he look like?"
    "He wears a brown paper suit, with brown paper hat, shirt, tie, socks, and shoes."
    "What's he wanted for?"

    "Rustling."
    NTFDAY, Rrumbler and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  9. #3219
    34_40's Avatar
    34_40 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 Ford 3W Coupe Replica
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    OH JB..... Please.
    Jack F likes this.

  10. #3220
    Dave Severson is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: '67 Ranchero, '57 Chevy, '82 Camaro,
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    Procrastinators United will be holding a meeting for nominating members to be inducted in the 2004 Procrastinators Hall of Fame class.
    stovens and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, Live for Today!
    Carroll Shelby

    Learning must be difficult for those who already know it all!!!!

  11. #3221
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
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    A guy walks into a bar and demands a shot of 12-yr old malt.

    The barman says to himself "Rude bastard, he'll never know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old blended whisky.

    The guy takes one sip, spits it out and shouts at the barman: "Oi, I said 12-year old malt!"

    The barman is unimpressed and tries to foist him off with some 6-year old scotch. The guy takes a sip...same reaction. But the barman is still unwilling to give in and he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the customer.

    Finally, the barman has to concede that the guy is a connoisseur and he serves him his original request for a glass of 12-year-old malt. The guy takes a sip and is at last satisfied.

    All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the customer and slurs: "Shay mishter, tashte this!"

    The guy duly obliges but spits it out immediately. "Ugh ! It tastes like piss," he shoots back at the drunk.

    The drunk replies: "It ish. How old would you shay I am ?"
    NTFDAY and 40FordDeluxe like this.

  12. #3222
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
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    The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar: "What'll you have?"
    The guy replies: "A scotch please."
    The bartender hands him his drink and says: " That'll be $7," to which the guy replies: "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything."
    A lawyer, sitting nearby says: "He's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
    The bartender, not impressed, says to the guy: "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't you ever let me catch you in here again."

    The next day, the same guy walks in to the bar. The bartender says: "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
    The guy says: "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
    The bartender replies: "Crikey! This is uncanny. You must have a double."
    To which the guy replies: "Thank-you. Make it a scotch."
    Rrumbler, JeffB2, 34_40 and 2 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  13. #3223
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
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    Don't meddle with us old fellas!

     



    A few years back I used to sub-contract over the winter months welding up new cowsheds being built by local builders.
    I was strong enough in those days to be able to pick up my welder from the back of the Falcon and carry it to wherever I needed it on-site.
    One particular builder had an obnoxious twenty/twenty-five year old working for him who delighted in baiting me, and how he was my physical superior after he'd seen me do this four or five times.
    He just kept at it, asking if I needed help stirring sugar into my coffee, or even needing a helping hand to drink it, all the time calling me 'Pops' or 'Old Fella' and it did rather start to get up my nose and irritate.
    One morning smoko (a Kiwi term for morning/afternoon tea,) I'd had enough, so said: "Okay smartarse, I'll wager one hundred bucks I can barrow a pile of shit over to that end of the yard that you won't be able to barrow back."
    "You're on!" he replied.
    So I went and got a barrow, wheeled it back to the smoko caravan, put it down, turned around to him and said: "Hop in."

    (That's a true story. Would I ever tell lies to you?)

    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  14. #3224
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,145

    My last Harley ride...

     



    While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a kangaroo, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
    Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
    As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
    "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
    She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
    "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
    "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
    Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
    We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
    "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"


    "Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."
    TOW'D, glennsexton, JeffB2 and 3 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  15. #3225
    34_40's Avatar
    34_40 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 Ford 3W Coupe Replica
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    OOOOOOOOOOoooooo JB. Did you tell Rosie that one??? LOL..
    40FordDeluxe likes this.

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