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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #3181
    34_40's Avatar
    34_40 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    JB, OOOOOO NOOOOOooooo... 8-)
    stovens likes this.

  2. #3182
    glennsexton's Avatar
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    Ole , age 92 and Lena, age 89, living in the Northfield Retirement Center, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass the Village Drug Store.

    Once inside, Ole addresses the man behind the counter:
    "Are you the owner?"

    The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

    Ole: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

    Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

    Ole: "How about medicine for circulation?"

    Pharmacist: "All kinds."

    Ole: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

    Pharmacist: "Definitely."

    Ole: "How about suppositories?"

    Pharmacist: "You bet!"

    Ole: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

    Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."

    Ole: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

    Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

    Ole: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

    Pharmacist: "We sure do."

    Ole: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

    Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

    Ole: "Adult diapers?"

    Pharmacist: "Sure."

    Ole: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
    Rrumbler, 34_40, stovens and 1 others like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  3. #3183
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Sometimes we seniors understand directions too well…

    I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.
    The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.
    I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?
    Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around. Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.
    When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?”
    The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!”

    I said, "Oh, thank God for that! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!”
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
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  4. #3184
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Robert was due to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died.
    He decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with, so went to a singles bar where he met a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
    “Right now I’m just an ordinary bloke,” he told her, “but within a couple of months my father will pass away and I’ll inherit 30 million dollars.”

    The woman went home with Robert that night and four days later became his stepmother.
    Rrumbler, 42K3, 34_40 and 3 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

  5. #3185
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    I hate people who take drugs and alcohol!











    Like Customs Officers and Policemen...
    Last edited by johnboy; 10-10-2017 at 09:10 PM.
    40FordDeluxe likes this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

  6. #3186
    rspears's Avatar
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    A friend of mine wrote, "I rode my bicycle to the liquor store yesterday, and picked up a bottle of really nice single malt scotch. Out front, I put the bottle in my bicycle basket, but then thought, 'If I fall off of my bike the bottle will break!', so I drank the entire bottle before heading home, and through the empty bottle in their trash receptacle. It turns out my fears were well placed, because I fell off of the bicycle seven times on the way home!!"

    Smart guy!
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  7. #3187
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Bob the boss.

     



    Bob the boss was suffering a minor cash-flow problem so decided he'd have to reduce staff numbers by at least one to manage his way through it. But he couldn't decide who to fire.
    He finally whittled it down to a choice between two: Jack or Jill as they were the two most recently employed.
    To make his choice the next day he thought he'd fire the first one to visit the water-cooler.
    Jill, after a night out with her friends on the plonk came to work next day and headed straight for the cooler.
    So Bob the boss walked up to her and said "I've decided I have to either lay you or Jack off..."
    Jill interrupted him with the reply "Could you jack off? I feel like s**t."
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

  8. #3188
    mprevo's Avatar
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    All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside. Finally it was his turn to be summoned. Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table. He was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did. The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked,

    "Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Foyt?"

    "Oh, no, sir, positively not!" Ted replied.

    "Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.

    "Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"

    "You'd swear to that?"

    "Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Foyt, anytime, anywhere," insisted Ted.

    "Good. Then you fire her."

    .
    Rrumbler and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    It is easy to make a small fortune in Hot Rods. Just start with a large one.......

  9. #3189
    CR55's Avatar
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    Could have used this myself years ago! Lol

     



    Joke of the Day! hide this posting
    An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

    One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began lecturing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

    All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

    At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

    So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

    The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

    "And what about the men?" the minister asked.

    "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
    NTFDAY, Rrumbler, 42K3 and 1 others like this.
    I thought I knew a lot, until I had teenagers!

  10. #3190
    stovens's Avatar
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    So where can we rent his mule? I realize I may need to book in advance due to availability!
    TOW'D and Rrumbler like this.
    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

  11. #3191
    rspears's Avatar
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    Two of the most overlooked qualities in life:

    Patience & Wisdom!

    patience & wisdom.jpg
    rbohm, ted dehaan, TOW'D and 5 others like this.
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  12. #3192
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Once upon a time (all good stories start that way,) in a land far far away, (Siberia actually,) a little swallow's biological clock had a hiccough and as a result he left it too late to fly south for the winter.
    Oh he tried! He flew as hard and as fast as he could but eventually, cold and exhausted, he fell from the sky.
    Ivan, a local woodcutter came across him whilst heading for work. "Poor little fella!" he thought. (But in Russian; because that was the only language he knew.) "There's a nice fresh steaming reindeer shit. I'll put him in that and he'll soon get warm again."
    So he did.
    And yes; the swallow did warm up. Soon he was warm enough to start chirruping again.
    "I'm warm!" he sang, "I'm warm!"
    A wolf heard him and came to investigate the noise.
    "Aha!" he thought. "A swallow!"
    So he ate him.

    There are four morals to this story:
    1) It's not always your enemies who drop you in the shit.
    2) It's not always your friends who get you out.
    3) Sometimes being in the shit is the best option.
    4) And if you're in the shit don't sing about it.
    Last edited by johnboy; 10-31-2017 at 08:35 PM.
    NTFDAY, Rrumbler, 34_40 and 2 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

  13. #3193
    rbohm's Avatar
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    how shit happens;


    In the beginning there was the Plan.
    And then came the Assumptions.
    And the Assumptions were without form.
    And the Plan was without substance.
    And darkness was on the face of the Workers.
    And they spoke among themselves, saying
    "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks".
    And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said
    "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof".
    And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying
    "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none can abide by it".
    And the Managers went unto their Directors saying
    "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength".
    And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another
    "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong".
    And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them
    "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful".
    And the Vice Presidents went unto President saying unto him
    "This new Plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of this company, with powerful effects".
    And the President looked upon the Plan and saw it was good.
    And the Plan became Policy.
    This is how shit happens.
    NTFDAY and Rrumbler like this.
    a man's fate is a man's fate
    and life is but an illusion

    fordsix.com admin

  14. #3194
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn, when she came upon a large pile of fresh cow manure.
    Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.
    She ate...and ate...and then...she ate some more!
    Finally, she decided she'd had plenty.
    She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.
    But alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
    She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation
    Then she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.
    She'd found the solution!
    She realized that if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.
    So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle.
    Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air.
    She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor... A Dead fly...
    Now there's a moral to this sad story.
    (Isn't there always)

    Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.
    rbohm, NTFDAY, TOW'D and 3 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

  15. #3195
    glennsexton's Avatar
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    Two elderly women, Mary and Susan, were sitting outside their nursing home, enjoying some coffee and having a smoke. They were having a great time talking and enjoying the sun, when suddenly, it started to rain.

    A few seconds later, it was absolutely pouring down, but one of the ladies calmly opened her purse and started rummaging through it. Mary slowly pulled a condom out of the purse, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking without a care in the world.

    Susan looked at her in surprise and asked, “Whats that?”

    Mary replied, “A condom, of course. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”

    Susan exclaimed, “That’s ingenious! But where did you get the condom?”

    Mary replied, “Oh, you can get them in any drugstore these days.”

    The next day, Susan hobbled herself to the local drugstore, parked her walker by the entrance and went in. She started looking around for a bit, but didn’t find what she was looking for. She walked up to the cashier and announced to him that she wanted a 12-pack of condoms.

    The young cashier seemed quite surprised at hearing this coming from an 81 year old lady.

    A bit embarrassed, he stuttered, “A-alright ma’am. Which brand of condoms do you prefer?”

    Susan shrugged and replied, “Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.”

    The pharmacist fainted.
    Rrumbler, 34_40, stovens and 2 others like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

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