Welcome to Club Hot Rod!  The premier site for everything to do with Hot Rod, Customs, Low Riders, Rat Rods, and more. 

  •  » Members from all over the US and the world!
  •  » Help from all over the world for your questions
  •  » Build logs for you and all members
  •  » Blogs
  •  » Image Gallery
  •  » Many thousands of members and hundreds of thousands of posts! 

YES! I want to register an account for free right now!  p.s.: For registered members this ad will NOT show

 
Like Tree2672Likes

Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

Reply To Thread
Page 210 of 226 FirstFirst ... 110 160 200 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 220 ... LastLast
Results 3,136 to 3,150 of 3376
  1. #3136
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Tigard
    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
    Posts
    2,188

    Am I the only one??
    Attached Images
    Rrumbler, DennyW, 34_40 and 4 others like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  2. #3137
    mprevo's Avatar
    mprevo is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2015
    Location
    Alpena
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1937 Plymouth Business Coupe
    Posts
    134

    A burglar broke into a guy's garage one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuable tools, and when he picked up a torque wrench to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more tools. Just as he pulled the plasma cutter out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

    "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

    "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

    The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

    "Moses," replied the bird.

    "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of guy would name a bird Moses?"

    "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus." the bird said.


    .
    Rrumbler, DennyW, 34_40 and 3 others like this.
    It is easy to make a small fortune in Hot Rods. Just start with a large one.......

  3. #3138
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    648

    A chicken farmer went to a local bar...sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating."

    "This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman. "What a coincidence" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

    "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

    "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

    That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens’ eggs become fertile?"

    "I used a different cock," he replied.

    The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

  4. #3139
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Tigard
    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
    Posts
    2,188

    The economy is so bad that:
    • I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail
    • CEO’s are now playing miniature golf
    • Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen
    • Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America
    • Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore
    • A picture is worth 200 words
    • They renamed Wall Street “Wal-Mart Street”

    Finally I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, the guy got all excited and asked if I could drive a stick shift truck!
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  5. #3140
    Rrumbler is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Las Vegas
    Car Year, Make, Model: Sans hot rod, sold the truck.
    Posts
    1,207

    The joke about the pilot and the dog reminded me of an old one I haven't heard in a long time.

    The plane was full, passengers were settled in, seat belt and emergency announcements were done on the seat back monitors. The engines started, and the plane rolled back from the gate and began to taxi out to the runway. An announcement came over the speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, you are flying today in the newest and most advances airliner ever developed, with safety and performance at the fore of design and development. This aircraft is totally automated; there are no pilots or flight crew; all functions and services are provided by fully automated equipment. We understand there may be some feelings of trepidation and perhaps fear, but these systems have been thoroughly tested over several years, and no faults have ever occurred. We hope you enjoy your flight and the experience of the next generation of air travel. Remember, there is absolutely no danger, nothing can go wrong -- "click-hiss-go wrong --- click-hiss-go wrong --- click-hiss-go wrong --- click hiss----------------------".

    .
    Rrumbler, Aka: Hey you, "Old School", Hairy, and other unsavory monickers.

    Twistin' and bangin' on stuff for about sixty or so years; beat up and busted, but not entirely dead - yet.

  6. #3141
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
    Kiwidreamer is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Tauranga
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1960 Lincoln Premier
    Posts
    361

    I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing.
    He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel in a constrained environment."

    I was impressed.



    On further enquiring, I learnt that he was washing dishes with hot water.....under his wife's supervision.

  7. #3142
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    648

    this one is for Johnboy the rest for all of us

    Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
    I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

    Thoughts for Today--

    Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

    When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

    A penny saved is a government oversight.

    The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

    The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

    The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

    He who hesitates is probably right.

    Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

    If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

    If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.

    The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

    There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt .

    Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'

    Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

    The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

    When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

    You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

    One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

    Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

    First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
    It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

    Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
    Today, it's called golf


    Lord,
    Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
    Rrumbler, johnboy, stovens and 1 others like this.

  8. #3143
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,048

    Quote Originally Posted by TOW'D View Post
    this one is for Johnboy the rest for all of us

    Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
    I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
    Well thank you Hank!

    (I think! Trouble is that there's an awful lot of truth in that quote!)

    TOW'D, Rrumbler, stovens and 1 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  9. #3144
    fitzwilly's Avatar
    fitzwilly is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    FLUSHING, MICHIGAN
    Car Year, Make, Model: 59 FORD FAIRLANE 500 GALAXIE
    Posts
    207

    The other day a friend commented about the many wrinkles in my face.
    "Those aren't wrinkles," I said. "Those are laugh lines."
    I think I heard him mumble under his breath, "Nothing could be that funny."
    Rrumbler likes this.

  10. #3145
    HOSS429's Avatar
    HOSS429 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    New Market
    Posts
    2,395

    as i was taking my walk yesterday i came upon 3 birds sitting on a power line .. i hear one of them say " my instincts tell me to go west this year " ... another one says " my instincts tell me to go south " .. the third bird speaks up and says " my end stinks too but it dont tell me to go anywhere !! "
    Rrumbler likes this.
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  11. #3146
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Tigard
    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
    Posts
    2,188

    There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

    “Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I suddenly burst into tears.

    “Oh, come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”

    “This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me.”

    “So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jackass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?
    ted dehaan, 34_40, stovens and 1 others like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  12. #3147
    JeffB2's Avatar
    JeffB2 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Phoenix
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1954 Ford Customline 5.0 & AOD
    Posts
    443

    I guess we can all relate to this scene

     



    This is what us hotrodders face on a regular basis.
    Attached Images
    ted dehaan, NTFDAY, 34_40 and 4 others like this.

  13. #3148
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
    Kiwidreamer is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Tauranga
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1960 Lincoln Premier
    Posts
    361

    A rather ‘frustrated’ woman went to the supermarket to try to take her mind off her overly erotic thoughts.

    As she moved through the aisles she saw bananas and apples and so many things that made her recall rather than forget her erotic mood.

    She ended up buying far more than she needed.

    When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing bags. As he packed her bags his muscles gleamed under the fluorescent lights and she could make out the contours of his fit body under his tight T-shirt and trousers.

    She could hardly control herself.

    After she paid she asked the young man if he could help her to her car with her many heavy bags of groceries.

    The young man willingly obliged.

    As they walked through the carpark the lady finally lost control. She placed her hand on the young man’s bum and said “I have an itchy pussy”.

    To which the young man replied “You’ll have to show me where it is ’cause all these Japanese cars look the same to me”.
    NTFDAY, 34_40 and 40FordDeluxe like this.

  14. #3149
    mprevo's Avatar
    mprevo is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2015
    Location
    Alpena
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1937 Plymouth Business Coupe
    Posts
    134

    A Mom, Dad, and their two young boys are driving down the road behind a garbage truck. When the garage truck hits a dip in the road a dildo flies out of the back and thumps against the windshield of the family's car.

    The mom instantly becomes very embarrassed. In an effect to spare her young children's innocence, the mother turns around and says to the boys

    "Don't worry. That was just a flying insect."

    To which one of the boys replies "Was it? Wow! I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

    .
    NTFDAY, Rrumbler, 34_40 and 1 others like this.
    It is easy to make a small fortune in Hot Rods. Just start with a large one.......

  15. #3150
    mprevo's Avatar
    mprevo is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2015
    Location
    Alpena
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1937 Plymouth Business Coupe
    Posts
    134

    One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter in their mini van and honked his car horn by mistake.

    She immediately turned and looked at him with an expectant look on her face.

    Seeing her look at him he said, "I did that by accident."

    She replied, "Oh, yes, I know that, daddy."

    He replied, "How did you know?"

    The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!"

    .
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, Rrumbler and 1 others like this.
    It is easy to make a small fortune in Hot Rods. Just start with a large one.......

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Links monetized by VigLink