Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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I must be 1/2 women, I had to read it 3 times

Friend of mine called & asked me if I could loan him $500 to help him pay his rent. I told him, "Give me a minute let me check my money situation & I'll call you right back."

Before I could check my account his sister calls & says, "Don’t give him any money because he's lying.” His Sister proceeds to tell me that he wants to use that $500 to get his girlfriend out of jail because he wants to be under the same roof with her for Valentine's Day.

So I thought about it for a minute, and decided to go ahead and give him the $500 because we all need help at times. So I called him back & said, "I got you."

A couple hours later, I got a call from the county jail and it was him. I say, "Hello" and he starts screaming & asking, “Why did you give me counterfeit money?!"

I replied, "So you & your girlfriend would be under the same roof for Valentine's Day..."

A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.

The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and £50,000.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money … but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates.”

To this the Arab replied: “Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now”.

We had a guy here locally who just lost his license to practice medicine, he got caught sleeping with one of his ex-patients! What a waste, all those years in school, all the studying and expense, all that time as an intern and putting up with all the crap from the Doctor's on staff! As a new Doc, he had to take all the cases the other doctors didn't want while they took the glory and good paying cases. He just bought a new Corvette, making payments on it so I suppose it will get repossessed. Kind of a damn shame, he was a really good Veterinarian!

This is a conversation between a man and a potential girlfriend.

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary!).

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: Oh, about 20 years, I suppose.

Woman:So, a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day, which puts your spending each month at $450.00.
In one year it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 or maybe more, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account, and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: “Are you okay? What’s your name?”

It’s John, and I’m okay, thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

John,” she said, “forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”

That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”

"Oh, come on now,” Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive I was weak. “Well okay,” I finally agreed but thought to myself, “my wife won’t like it.”

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. I really need to go now.”

Don’t be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. “She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

Still under the cart, I guess.”

An elderly lady went to court for shoplifting.

What is it that you stole?” the judge asked her.

Well, Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches.”

Alright. How many peaches were in the can?”

Six,” she answered, wondering what he would ask that for.

Okay. Well, I’m going to give you six days of jail, since there were six peaches in the can, okay?
Does that sound fair to you?”

Yes, Your Honor. I suppose it does.”

“Your Honor!” her husband piped up. I thought you should also know… she also stole a can of peas…”

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”

“No”, said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked, “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?”

“No I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now” she said,“Have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?”

“No way” he said becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied:

“Good go look in the garage.”

8 words with 2 meanings..
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male....... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male....... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni- kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male...... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male....... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter- tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male....... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male...... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Again, the answer was "NO!"

"Well," she continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"

In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, "Well first you gotta be dead!"

A married couple are travelling down the highway at about 40 mph with the husband behind the wheel.
The wife looks over at him and says “Honey, I know we’ve been married for fifteen years; but I want a divorce.”
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 45 mph.
She then says “I don’t want you to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend and he’s a better lover than you are.”
Again the husband says nothing but speeds up a bit more as his anger continues to build.
She says “I want the house.”
Again the husband speeds up and is now doing 55 mph.
She says “And I want the kids too.”
The husband again says nothing but just drives a bit faster.
Now he’s doing 70 mph.
She says “And I want the car, the cheque account, and all our credit cards as well.”
The husband starts to slowly veer towards the abutment of a bridge overpass.
She says “You’re taking all this very well; isn’t there something you want?”
The husband says “No; I’ve got all I need.”
She says “Really? What’s that?
Her husband, just before they hit the bridge abutment at 80 mph says “The airbag.”

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

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A woman gets mad at her husband. For revenge she goes to a bar and gets herself picked up by a guy.

They go to the hotel and while he's in the bathroom she strips and lays on the bed with legs spread wide.

The guy comes out of the bath and comments, "Wow. You're big down there!"

Insulted she leaves immediately.

Driving home she starts thinking. Well, I am getting older. I've had two kids.

She gets home, goes up to the bedroom, strips down, puts a mirror on the floor and straddles it bending back and forth to see better.

As this goes on her husband walks in unexpectedly. "What the hell are you doing?", he asks.

Thinking quickly she starts jumping around and says, "Aerobics."

He answers, "Aerobics, huh? Well, just be careful you don't fall into that hole in the floor."

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected & is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ...but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify" I answered "a doctor"

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14.To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I thought I was wrong once, but that was a mistake.




Jack.