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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #3286
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    The Population of this country is 310 million.

    160 Million are retired.

    That leaves 140 million to do the work.

    There are 85 million in school.

    Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

    Of this, there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

    Leaving 20 million to do the work.

    2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing terrorists.

    Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.

    Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city governments.

    That leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

    At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

    Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

    Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

    That leaves just two people to do the work.

    You and me.

    And there you are, sitting on your backside, at your computer, reading jokes.

    Nice. Real nice.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  2. #3287
    johnboy is online now CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    I was in a couple's home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password.
    "Start with a capital S, then 123," she shouted back.

    We tried S123 several times, but it didn't work. So we called the wife in.
    As she input the password, she muttered, "I really don't know what's so difficult about typing 'Start123.'"
    Rrumbler, DennyW and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  3. #3288
    johnboy is online now CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    In New Zealand we have a TV programme aired on a Thursday evening called ‘Police 10 7’ which follows some of the incredibly stupid antics that our police forces have to contend with.
    A few weeks back two cops were called to a shopping mall where a drunken woman was making a right nuisance of herself. They got her in their car and decided to take her back to her own place to sober up.
    As they were driving her there she turned to the one along side her and said: “I heard a very funny joke today. Shall I tell it to you?”
    “Go ahead,” said the plod.
    “Do you know what a Schitzu is?”
    “Yep. It’s a bred of Chinese dog isn’t it?”
    “Nah. It’s a zoo with no animals.”
    TOW'D, Rrumbler and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  4. #3289
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
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    A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a burger and a beer. After his meal, he gets up, pulls out a Mac 10 and kills everyone in the bar except the bartender. As the bear heads for the door, the bartender exclaims, "Why did you do that?"
    The bear simply replies, "I'm a panda, look it up."
    The bartender pulls a dictionary out from under the bar, flips through some pages and reads:
    "Panda: mammal - large black and white bear from Asia; eats shoots and leaves."
    Rrumbler and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  5. #3290
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
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    Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white U.S. government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

    The Chief nodded in agreement.

    The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

    The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied, 'When white man find land, natives running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Native man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

    Then the chief leaned back and smiled, 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  6. #3291
    johnboy is online now CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A dyslexic woman was locked up for stealing lingerie from her employer.


    People who knew her always thought she would end up behind bras.
    Rrumbler, stovens and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  7. #3292
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Just met a guy from India, He said he has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. I asked his name he said....Bindair Dundat......
    TOW'D, Rrumbler, johnboy and 2 others like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  8. #3293
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck.

    When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

    Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

    To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”

    Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

    Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

    Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the comer of his left eye.
    TOW'D, Rrumbler, johnboy and 2 others like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  9. #3294
    Rrumbler is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Here is a different twist on an oldie but goodie.

    An old veteran walks into a grocery store. Immediately, the cashier stops him and says, "sir, your barracks door is open." At first, he pays zero attention to her because he doesn't live in the barracks. So, he continues shopping until he spots a man stocking some shelves. He tells him what the cashier said and asks what she could've meant.


    He tells the veteran that his fly is open.

    After completing his shopping, he goes back to the same cashier and says, "ma'am, you told me my barracks door was open. While you were looking, did you see a Marine standing at attention, saluting?"

    The cashier replies, "no, sir. I just saw an old, retired veteran lying on two seabags."

    ...
    stovens and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    Rrumbler, Aka: Hey you, "Old School", Hairy, and other unsavory monickers.

    Twistin' and bangin' on stuff for about sixty or so years; beat up and busted, but not entirely dead - yet.

  10. #3295
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A man comes home and sees a note on the refrigerator from his wife. She wrote,

    “This isn’t working. I’m at my mother’s.”

    The man opens the fridge, the light turns on, it feels nice and cold, and he says to himself,

    “What's she talking aboutl? The fridge is working fine!”
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  11. #3296
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    A group of 12 women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving
    relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of
    you love your husband?" All the women raised their hand.
    Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you
    loved him?"
    Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
    The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their
    husband "I love you, sweetheart."

    Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and
    read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.


    Below are 12 actual replies from their husbands. If you have been married
    for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true
    love.
    Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?


    1. Who the hell is this?
    2. Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
    3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
    4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
    5. I don't understand what you mean.
    6. What the hell did you do now?
    7. Are you sure this is for me?
    8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
    9. Am I dreaming?
    10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
    11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
    12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

  12. #3297
    johnboy is online now CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    That's priceless Hank!
    I can even see what my reaction would've been in there!
    Last edited by johnboy; 10-08-2018 at 09:15 PM.
    TOW'D and Rrumbler like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  13. #3298
    Rrumbler is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    I'm with Johnboy; I'd probably just reply: "Hunh????"

    ..
    TOW'D likes this.
    Rrumbler, Aka: Hey you, "Old School", Hairy, and other unsavory monickers.

    Twistin' and bangin' on stuff for about sixty or so years; beat up and busted, but not entirely dead - yet.

  14. #3299
    johnboy is online now CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Reply #6: What the hell did you do now?
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  15. #3300
    johnboy is online now CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford, sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
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    I got pulled over by the Plod Squad the other day for speeding.
    I'm a mouth at the best of times; and getting a ticket is not the best of times.
    So I had a rant at the cop along the lines of "What the hell am I supposed to do with another bloody ticket, don't you jokers get sick of dishing them out to innocent drivers?"
    And so on.
    And on.
    And on...

    The cop never said a word until he handed me the ticket.
    "There is a plus to it," he said, "when you get three of them in one year you get a push-bike."
    34_40 and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

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