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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #3331
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar: "What'll you have?"
    The guy replies: "A scotch please."
    The bartender hands him his drink and says: " That'll be $7," to which the guy replies: "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything."
    A lawyer, sitting nearby says: "He's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
    The bartender, not impressed, says to the guy: "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't you ever let me catch you in here again."

    The next day, the same guy walks in to the bar. The bartender says: "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
    The guy says: "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
    The bartender replies: "Crikey! This is uncanny. You must have a double."
    To which the guy replies: "Thank-you. Make it a scotch."
    Rrumbler, JeffB2, 34_40 and 2 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  2. #3332
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Don't meddle with us old fellas!

     



    A few years back I used to sub-contract over the winter months welding up new cowsheds being built by local builders.
    I was strong enough in those days to be able to pick up my welder from the back of the Falcon and carry it to wherever I needed it on-site.
    One particular builder had an obnoxious twenty/twenty-five year old working for him who delighted in baiting me, and how he was my physical superior after he'd seen me do this four or five times.
    He just kept at it, asking if I needed help stirring sugar into my coffee, or even needing a helping hand to drink it, all the time calling me 'Pops' or 'Old Fella' and it did rather start to get up my nose and irritate.
    One morning smoko (a Kiwi term for morning/afternoon tea,) I'd had enough, so said: "Okay smartarse, I'll wager one hundred bucks I can barrow a pile of shit over to that end of the yard that you won't be able to barrow back."
    "You're on!" he replied.
    So I went and got a barrow, wheeled it back to the smoko caravan, put it down, turned around to him and said: "Hop in."

    (That's a true story. Would I ever tell lies to you?)

    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  3. #3333
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    My last Harley ride...

     



    While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a kangaroo, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
    Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
    As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
    "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
    She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
    "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
    "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
    Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
    We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
    "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"


    "Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."
    TOW'D, glennsexton, JeffB2 and 3 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  4. #3334
    34_40's Avatar
    34_40 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 Ford 3W Coupe Replica
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    OOOOOOOOOOoooooo JB. Did you tell Rosie that one??? LOL..
    40FordDeluxe likes this.

  5. #3335
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Quote Originally Posted by 34_40 View Post
    OOOOOOOOOOoooooo JB. Did you tell Rosie that one??? LOL..
    I wouldn't dare!

    (I'm a devout coward!)
    34_40 and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  6. #3336
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
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    A young monk arrives at the monastery.

    He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

    The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”

    He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault.

    Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk.

    The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

    “We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”

    “Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?”

    The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is ‘celebrate’!”
    34_40, stovens and Jack F like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  7. #3337
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A man was driving when he first saw the flash of a traffic camera.

    He figured that his picture had been taken for speeding, even though he knew he wasn’t.

    Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly.

    But again the camera flashed.

    Thinking this was pretty funny, he drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time he drove by at a snail’s pace.

    Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
    johnboy and JeffB2 like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  8. #3338
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Graceful Nellie.

     



    There was a young girl full of grace,
    whose corsets no longer would lace.
    Her mother said: "Nellie,
    there's more in your belly,
    than ever went in through your face."
    NTFDAY, JeffB2 and 34_40 like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  9. #3339
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
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    There was a young girl from Piatte,
    who had triplets, Matt, Pat, and Tat.
    'Twas fun in the breeding
    but hell in the feeding,
    when she found there was no tit for Tat.
    NTFDAY, 34_40, stovens and 1 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  10. #3340
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
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    An Aussie mate sent me this:

     



    The other day a local mosque opened its doors and invited non-Muslims to visit in the spirit of their faith's willingness to be open and welcoming, so I too decided to go to the local mosque in Lakemba for the first time to see what it was all about:
    Lakemba has a large Muslim population and the Lakemba Mosque is one of Australia's largest.
    At the time I was limping a little. I sat down, and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:
    "By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you will walk today."
    I told him I wasn't paralysed, I only had a small bunion on my left foot.
    He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra:
    "By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you WILL walk today."
    Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
    After prayers I stepped outside, and bugger me, he was right,


    MY CAR WAS GONE.
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, glennsexton and 3 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  11. #3341
    34_40's Avatar
    34_40 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    JB, I read that one to Chris and she bust out laughing and said to tell you "Good One JB"!!!
    johnboy likes this.

  12. #3342
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Quote Originally Posted by 34_40 View Post
    JB, I read that one to Chris and she bust out laughing and said to tell you "Good One JB"!!!
    Well thank you Chris!
    There aren't many ladies in the world that say complimentary things about me!

    Here's another one from that same Aussie mate:

    The National roads authority found over 200 dead crows on the Dublin Port tunnel approach recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

    A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

    However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the birds' beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars.

    The Authority then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

    They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  13. #3343
    NTFDAY's Avatar
    NTFDAY is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: '66 Mustang, 76 Corvette
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    4,635

    Question: Is sex Work? Or pleasure?

    A U.S.Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the
    colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to
    get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

    A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

    A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

    A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

    There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

    Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

    The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

    "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

    The room fell silent
    Ken Thomas
    NoT FaDe AwaY and the music didn't die
    The simplest road is usually the last one sought
    Wild Willie & AA/FA's The greatest show in drag racing

  14. #3344
    34_40's Avatar
    34_40 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    The last 2 are oldies but goodies. Thanks for sharing them.

  15. #3345
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A well known equestrian competitor was admitted to Waikato Hospital last night. He was found to have six small plastic horses stuck up his anus.
    His condition is described as stable.
    TooMany2count, 34_40 and Scrubline like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

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