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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #3196
    stovens's Avatar
    stovens is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    now that's a keeper.
    Rrumbler likes this.
    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

  2. #3197
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
    The waitress asks them for their orders.
    The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
    'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
    A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $19.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
    The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
    The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'
    Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
    This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
    'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
    'Same for me,' says the emu.
    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.60.'
    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
    The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
    'Well love,' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
    My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
    'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
    'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
    Still curious the waitress asks, 'So what's with the emu?'
    The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

  3. #3198
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    glennsexton is online now CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    I don't care where your from.... that's funny!!
    Rrumbler, JeffB2 and 34_40 like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  4. #3199
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Once upon a time (all good stories start that way,) in a land far far away (the North Pole actually,) in a huge underground cavern (known to the locals as Santa’s Workshop,) Santa was preparing everything for his Annual Toy Run, which was only a week away.
    A little fairy, Nuff, (not an unusual name for a fairy – surely everyone’s heard of Fairy Nuff?) came to see him.
    “Santa,’ she said, “it would seem that our Christmas tree has been overlooked this year. Do you want me to fly to Finland and bring one back?”
    “Dear me!” said Santa, “how remiss! Yes please Fairy Nuff.”
    So without any more ado, away flew Fairy Nuff.

    It was about then that things started to go wrong for poor Santa.
    One of the elves marched into his office.
    “I’m Good Elf To Ya, Union Delegate for the Free Order of Elves, or FOE as we like to be known. As of 3 o’clock this afternoon we’re going on strike. We’ve kept this workshop running 24/7 for the last twelve months and we’re demanding better working conditions for a start. We also want higher wages, (at least 7 cents more per week) a paid holiday in Bermuda every summer of at least 2 hours per elf, paid elf insurance with Medicare, and…”
    “Out! Out!” roared Santa “I can’t afford such profligate expenses! We run a shoestring business here! I’d be broke if I acquiesced to your demands!”
    “Suit yourself,” said Good Elf To Ya, “but as of 3 o’clock we’re gone,” and he walked out.
    Just then the phone rang.
    “Hello,” said Santa, picking up the receiver.
    “Senior Sergeant Plod from the Vice Squad,” said the caller. “Every year about this time we have multiple worldwide reports of unauthorised entries into private dwellings. We have collated these reports and have come to the conclusion that this is but one man on an annual crime spree.. We’ll be there to interrogate you at length in an hour, have your attorney available,” and hung up.
    There was then a timid knock at the door.
    “Come in,” said Santa.
    It was reindeer Donner.
    “What can I do for you?’ asked Santa.
    “Umm…some of the boys and I got on the turps a bit last night,” said Donner, “and things got a bit rowdy. Blitzen has a broken leg, Prancer has a dislocated shoulder, and Rudolph walked into the edge of a door and now has one eye the size of a football and glowing brighter than his nose. We’re going to be out of action for a fortnight if not more.”
    “Get out of my sight,” groaned Santa.
    Just then the phone rang again.
    “What!’ roared Santa as he picked it up.
    “Hello,” said a voice. “Senior Inspector Clark Kent from Civil Aviation Authority. It has come to our attention that you’ve been flying around all over the place in an unlicensed unregistered unauthorised craft. Can’t have that old chap! Next thing you know there’ll be all sorts on unauthorised idiots flying about all over the place. And that’s not a very good look.
    Your craft has been grounded pending inspection.”
    And he hung up.
    Then there was another knock at the door.
    “Yes?” groaned Santa.
    “It’s me, Nuff,” said a voice. “I’ve got the Christmas tree. Where shall I put it?”


    And from that day forward it has become the custom to have a fairy on the top of a Christmas tree.
    Rrumbler, 34_40 and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

  5. #3200
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    42K3 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A twice divorced woman was having lunch with her friends and talking about her new exciting third marriage,
    one of the women asked "what happened?"
    She replied, Well, my first husband was a doctor and all he wanted to do was examine it.
    My second husband was a lawyer and all he wanted to do was talk to it.
    Then I married a hot rod mechanic, he tore into it on the first night and has been working on it ever since.
    34_40, stovens and Jack F like this.

  6. #3201
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    Bob walked into a sports bar around 5:58 PM. He sat down next to
    a very attractive blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 6 PM
    news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man
    on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
    The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
    "You know, I reckon he'll jump," said Bob.
    The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
    Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
    The blonde placed her money on the bar and kept watching
    the scene on the telly. The guy on the ledge did a swan dive
    off the building, falling to his death.
    The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
    "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
    Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM
    news, so I knew he would jump."
    The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
    Bob took the money.

  7. #3202
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Edward (Teddy) Beer.

     



    One for you oldies out there...

    Many years ago, (when I wore a younger man’s clothes,) I used to go out welding cow-sheds over the winter months for various builders. (It’s called ‘cash-flow’,) and on one particular job the son of friends of ours was working there too.
    The son of Mary and Phillip Beer, they’d named him ‘Edward’. That was mean and thoughtless of them.. (Which is an indication of the calibre/IQ of our friends.) Of course he got called ‘Teddy’

    Teddy was a drainlayer by trade, and the terrain on this particular site was pretty boney; so there was a lot of pick and shovel work for him to do.

    One afternoon, after 3:00 smokeoh (a Downunder term for morning and afternoon tea breaks,) Teddy and I came out of the caravan together.
    “Look at that,” said Teddy, pointing, “some rotten mongrel has nicked my pick!”
    And sure enough; it was gone. Vanished entirely.
    “Aha!” I said. “What’s today?”
    “Tuesday,” said Teddy.
    “That explains it;” I replied, “Tuesday’s the day the Teddy Beers have their picks nicked…”
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

  8. #3203
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    I suppose it's about time I told this story...I've kept quiet about it for years...but now I think it can finally come out...it was a long time ago...


    It all started when my sister and brother-in-law bought a ten acre block up Valley Road in Paraparaumu, and needed it fenced into smaller paddocks.
    They got a quote from a local fencing contractor for $180 per chain, (a chain is a lineal measure; 1 chain = 66 ft.,) which they thought rather excessive, so asked me for my opinion.
    Being young and dumb, and proud of my fencing skills, I offered to do it for them for nothing...and hey; that's what you do for family.
    So She and I loaded my fencing gear into the car and headed for Paraparaumu expecting to knock the job out in a week or so.

    Oh boy! Was I in for a surprise!

    In my land I'd budget on 35 minutes for a strainer hole, another 35 mins. for stay and plate, and 5 mins. per post hole.
    Whereas their land is all rotten rock...every hole had to be dug with a crowbar; if I got two strainer/stay assemblies in in a day I was doing well.
    So the job took much longer than anticipated.
    But my farm had to be run at the same time...so I sent She back home (with the car,) while I stayed on to fence the block up, sleeping in the wee shed on the property.
    I soon found there were some things I really needed for creature comfort, so I started making a wee list for 'stuff' I needed to buy from down in the village.
    1) Soup. Versatile stuff, and easy to prepare on the wee gas burner I'd brought with me.

    2) A cauli. I really love my veges, and cauliflower is one of my favourites.

    3) Fridge. Gotta have somewhere to keep my cauli...and my beer!

    4) Elastic. The elastic band in one pair of my dacks had given out, and they were bunching around my crotch...most uncomfortable.

    5) Eggs. They too are versatile...scramble them, fry them, poach them...all good.

    6) Peas. Yep...love my veges.

    7) Halitosis. Not expecting to be here long, I hadn't brought enough tooth-paste...and it's got pretty bad when you spit on the grass and it shrivels in a puff of smoke.

    So I set off on the ten mile walk to town, intending to get a local courier to bring these things (and me,) back up to Valley Rd.
    I was about half way there when I realised I'd left my list behind, so I started chanting it under my breath so that I wouldn't forget anything.
    One of the locals, driving to town himself, saw me walking and stopped to give me a lift.
    (He was English, or French, or Belgian, or some other sort of overstayer.)
    "What's that you're saying?" he asked.
    So I told him.
    "Soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis."
    "Hmm," he said. "I think I can do something with that. Soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis. Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious. Soup a cauli fridge elastic eggs peas halitosis!"

    So now you know how it came about.
    And I first put those words to paper.
    Rrumbler, 34_40, stovens and 1 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

  9. #3204
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    groan...



    HAH!

  10. #3205
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    An ex-neighbour of mine, Bert Prescott, was a man who really loved tractors. He collected them, he drove them around town, He collected books on tractors, he went to tractor shows, he loved anything to do with tractors.
    One day, at a tractor show, he got hit by a tractor and was severely injured. After months in the hospital and rehab, he finally got his life back on track, but now he hated tractors.
    He sold every tractor he owned and vowed never to have anything to do with tractors ever again.
    One day he was walking past a burning house with people trapped inside. There was so much smoke that the fire-fighters couldn't get in.
    So Bert walked up to the house and with a huge breath, sucked all the smoke out, long enough for the fire-fighters to enter and save the people.

    Afterwards, a fireman said to him "Bert, that was amazing! How did you do it?"
    He replied, "I'm an ex-tractor fan."


    (That's a true story. Would I lie to you?)

    Rrumbler, JeffB2, 34_40 and 2 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

  11. #3206
    34_40's Avatar
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    Lie? Never...

    Exaggerate??? Certainly!
    johnboy and 40FordDeluxe like this.

  12. #3207
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Bitcoin.

     



    I got this in my mail today.
    I didn't write it; but oh boy I wish I had!
    It's too good to not share:




    A lot of monkeys lived near a village.
    One day a merchant came to the village to buy these monkeys!
    He announced that he will buy the monkeys @ $100 each.
    The villagers thought that this man is mad.
    They thought how can somebody buy stray monkeys at $100 each?
    Still, some people caught some monkeys and gave it to this merchant and he gave $100 for each monkey.
    This news spread like wildfire and people caught monkeys and sold them to the merchant.
    After a few days, the merchant announced that he will buy monkeys @ $200 each.
    The villagers then ran around to catch the remaining monkeys!
    They sold the remaining monkeys @ $200 each.
    Then the merchant announced that he will buy monkeys @ $500 each!
    The villagers start to lose sleep! ... They caught six or seven monkeys, which was all that was left and got $500 each.
    The villagers were waiting anxiously for the next announcement.
    Then the merchant announced that he is going home for a week. And when he returns, he will buy monkeys @ $1000 each!
    He asked his employee to take care of the monkeys he bought. He was alone taking care of all the monkeys in a cage.
    The merchant went home.

    The villagers were very sad as there were no more monkeys left for them to sell at $1000 each.
    Then the employee told them that he will sell some monkeys @ $700 each secretly.
    This news spread like fire. Since the merchant buys monkey @ $1000 each, there is a $300 profit for each monkey.
    The next day, the villagers made a queue near the monkey cage.
    The employee sold all the monkeys at $700 each. The rich bought monkeys in big lots. The poor borrowed money from money lenders and also bought monkeys!
    The villagers took care of their monkeys & waited for the merchant to return. 😕

    But nobody came! ... Then they ran to the employee...

    But he had already left too !

    The villagers then realised that they have bought the useless stray monkeys @ $700 each and are unable to sell them!

    The Bitcoin will be the next monkey business

    It will make a lot of people bankrupt and a few people filthy rich this monkey business.

    That's how it will work.
    TOW'D, robot, Rrumbler and 4 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

  13. #3208
    Rrumbler is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    John, you're going to make me groan, yet.

    .
    johnboy likes this.
    Rrumbler, Aka: Hey you, "Old School", Hairy, and other unsavory monickers.

    Twistin' and bangin' on stuff for about sixty or so years; beat up and busted, but not entirely dead - yet.

  14. #3209
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    This rude woman looked at my beer belly the other night and said “Is that Tui or Lion?”
    I replied “There’s a tap underneath; taste it and find out.”


    I told a girl in the pub the other day I could tell what day of the week she was born just by fondling her boobs.
    “Really?” she asked. “Go on then; try!”
    After two minutes she got impatient, and said “Come on, what day was I born?”
    I said “Yesterday.”


    I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool. The lifeguard shouted so loudly I nearly fell in.
    34_40, Jack F and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

  15. #3210
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A Kiwi bloke, a little guy, was sitting in a bar in Christchurch when this huge burly Australian walks in. As he passes the Kiwi he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.
    The big Aussie says: “That’s a karate hop from Korea.”
    The Kiwi says nothing, gets back on his barstool, and resumes drinking his beer.
    The Aussie gets up to go to the bathroom and as he walks by the Kiwi hits him on the other side of the neck knocking him to the floor again.
    “That’s a judo chop from Japan,” he says. The Kiwi decides he’s had enough of this and leaves.
    Half an hour later he’s back again and sees the Aussie sitting on his barstool; so walks up behind him, and with one blow knocks him to the floor, out cold.
    The Kiwi turns to the barman and says: “When he come to; tell him that was a crowbar from Bunnings.”
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    '47 Ford sedan.
    '49 Morris Minor.
    '51 Ford school bus.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica.

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