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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #3376
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    BIOLOGY EXAM:

    This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.

    The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

    However, he wrote:

    1) It is perfect formula for the child.
    2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
    3) It is always the right temperature.
    4) It is inexpensive.
    5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
    6) It is always available as needed.

    And then the student was stuck.

    Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

    7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

    He got an A+.

  2. #3377
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.
    2 - I consider "On Trend" to be the clothes that still fit.
    3 - I don't need anger management. People need to stop pissing me off.
    4 - My people skills are just fine. My tolerance for idiots needs work.
    5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down. I’ll remember it."
    6 - I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.
    7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.
    8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.
    9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
    10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than I am.

  3. #3378
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
    The 87-year-old said "Well, I eat a lot of rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies".

    So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the sales lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any rye bread?"

    She said "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said "I want five loaves".

    The sales lady said "My goodness... five loaves? By the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard".
    The 80-year old man replied "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me".
    NTFDAY, johnboy, JeffB2 and 2 others like this.

  4. #3379
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Crikey!
    Thanks for the tip Hank!
    I'm gonna have to get me some rye bread!

    TOW'D, 34_40 and stovens like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  5. #3380
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

    Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

    Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

    Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it."

    "This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
    I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
    Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
    Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tyre.
    When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

    He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
    When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.
    Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
    It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

    And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, glennsexton and 2 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  6. #3381
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

    "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

  7. #3382
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Quote Originally Posted by TOW'D View Post
    One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

    "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
    I'll raise a glass to that!
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  8. #3383
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    They have finally figured out what caused Tiger Woods mid career slump. As you know, he admired his father a lot and looked up to him for everything. An old video was found of Tiger and his Dad practicing golf at an early age.

    Tiger’s Dad said, “ son focus only on golf and screw everything else”
    NTFDAY, johnboy and Driver50x like this.

  9. #3384
    HOSS429's Avatar
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    Chuck Norris ordered a big mac today at burger king and got one ..
    Jack F and Driver50x like this.
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  10. #3385
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Covid 19

     



    This voluntary isolation to stem this virus is getting on my wick.
    It's upsetting the missus too!
    She's running around outside banging on the doors and windows pleading to be let back in.
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, glennsexton and 3 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  11. #3386
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut
    a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for
    almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto
    the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped
    his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.

    The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
    But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.

    The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man
    couldn’t take it any longer.
    “Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been
    here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do
    it?”

    The boy responded,
    “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”

    “What was that?” the old man asked.

    Again the boy responded,
    “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”

    “Look,” said the old man,
    “I can’t understand a word you’re saying.”

    The boy spit the bait into his hand and said,
    “You have to keep the worms warm!”
    johnboy and stovens like this.

  12. #3387
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    This guy is driving down the highway in his corvette and sees a hitchhiker with a big dog. So he stops and tells the the guy he would give him a ride, but there's not room for the dog. The hitchhiker says "I can tie his leash on the back bumper."

    The corvette driver says "that dog can't keep up." The hitchhiker says "oh yeah, he's pretty fast." So he ties the dog on the back bumper and they get in and take off. The driver gets up to 20 mph, looks in the mirror and the dog is trotting along behind. He kicks it up to 50, looks in the mirror and the dog is just loping along .

    So he kicks it up to 80, looks in the mirror and the dog is running all out. He thinks Damn, I gotta take another look at this dog. So he slams on the brakes and they get out and walk to the back of the vette. The dog is just standing there.
    The driver says "that's the fastest dog I've ever seen. But what's that red ring around his neck?"

    The hitchhiker says "that's his a$$hole, he's not used to stopping that fast."

  13. #3388
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    Not every place that changes oil knows this:

    oil change.jpg
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  14. #3389
    36 sedan's Avatar
    36 sedan is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Ya gotta admit, it does get the last drop out, LOL...
    NTFDAY likes this.

  15. #3390
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    along that vein and yet not very funny at the time at the service station i worked at in the mid 80`s the nite closing crew forgot to set the safety catch on the car lift with a reasonable new mercedes convert of some kind up in the air .. the next morning it was found upside down in the next bay .. it came down on the tire rack stored nearby and flipped off ..
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

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