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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #3166
    fitzwilly's Avatar
    fitzwilly is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    I was talking to a Mexican guy the other day and the subject came up about the "wall".
    "The folks in Mexico must be really upset about a wall being built between our two countries",I said,
    "That's true," he replied, "but they'll get over it,"
    Rrumbler, DennyW and stovens like this.

  2. #3167
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps,

    "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

    The operator says,

    "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

    There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says,

    "OK, now what?"
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  3. #3168
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    Gynaecologist Assistant Job Opening


    A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
    The clerk pulled up the file and read -- "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. "The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."
    "Good grief; is that where the job is?"
    "No sir; that's where the end of the line is right now."
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  4. #3169
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Reaching the end of a job interview, the Recruiter asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

    The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

    The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”

    The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! You've got to be kidding?”

    The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  5. #3170
    HOSS429's Avatar
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    Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,
    a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
    He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
    So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

    Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies —
    two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
    The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing
    exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

    “Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving
    slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

    “Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...
    22 miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

    The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
    that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed,
    the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

    “But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask...
    Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they
    haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

    “Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
    Rrumbler and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  6. #3171
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    While Trump is on a visit to Moscow, he and Putin begin debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

    Trump: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

    Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

    Trump: I don't believe you. I bet if we take your limo out for a spin, I'll see some drunks staggering around.

    Putin: Okay, let me prove you wrong. We'll drive around and if you see a single drunk you can shoot them with my own gun.

    Putin let's the FSB know what they're doing, and tells them to do a sweep and round up every single drunk on their route. He says if Trump sees a single drunk everyone will get sent to Siberia.

    Trump and Putin drive around for 10 minutes, and the streets are empty. Not a single person is out, let alone a drunk. Trump is about to accept defeat when a visibly drunk man staggers out of an apartment building, singing a Russian folk song. Trump leans out the window and shoots him.

    Trump: See Vlad, I saw one person and he was drunk! All Russians are drunks!

    Six months later Putin travels to Washington DC and he and Trump are having the same argument about morals and society. Putin suggests they do the same thing they did in Moscow, and he will shoot any drunks that he sees on Washington's streets. Trump let's the Secret Service know to go ahead and make sure there are no drunks anywhere on their route.

    The two presidents drive around for 10 minutes, without seeing anyone. Just as they're turning around a huge group of drunks stumbles out of a bar. Putin gets excited, leans out the window and mows them all down. He teases Trump for the rest of the night.

    Putin: Donald, you said Russians were worse drunks than Americans. I just killed 20 of them, looks like Russia wins again!

    The next morning Vladimir Putin picks up the newspaper and sees the headline: 20 Russian Embassy Workers Slain In Drive-By Shooting.

  7. #3172
    glennsexton's Avatar
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    Too funny TOW'D
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  8. #3173
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
    They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
    The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,
    suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair,
    under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.
    The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair
    and totally out of sight under the tablecloth.
    Still, the man stared straight ahead.
    The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque
    and worried that it might offend other diners,
    went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man:
    "Pardon me, but I think your wife just slid under the table.”

    The man calmly looked up at her and said:
    "No, she didn't... she just walked in.”

  9. #3174
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    Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 p.m. news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man preparing to jump off the ledge of a large building. The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

    Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

    The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

    Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!” Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

    The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

    Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 p.m. news, so I knew he would jump.”

    The blonde replied, “I did, too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
    Bob took the money.
    TOW'D, 34_40, 40FordDeluxe and 1 others like this.
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  10. #3175
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    I wondered where Uncle
    bob has been lately!
    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

  11. #3176
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    What is meant by the modern term referred to as ‘POLITICAL CORRECTNESS’..

    The definition is found in 4 telegrams at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence, Missouri.
    The following are copies of four telegrams between President Harry Truman and Gen Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the WWII Surrender Agreement in September 1945.. The contents of
    those four telegrams below are exactly as received at the end of the war - not a word has been added or deleted!

    (1) Tokyo, Japan
    0800-September 1,1945
    To: President Harry S Truman
    From: General D A MacArthur

    Tomorrow we meet with those yellow-bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions?

    (2) Washington, D C
    1300-September 1, 1945
    To: D A MacArthur
    From: H S Truman

    Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!

    (3) Tokyo, Japan
    1630-September 1, 1945
    To: H S Truman
    From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz

    Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?

    (4) Washington, D C
    2120-September 1, 1945
    To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
    From: H S Truman

    Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end!

    Now, with special thanks to the Truman Museum and Harry himself, you and I finally have a full understanding of what ‘POLITICAL CORRECTNESS’ really means.....
    Rrumbler, JeffB2, Jack F and 1 others like this.

  12. #3177
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    Ya gotta wait till the turd dries.

    Myth Busters proved that a turd CAN be polished.

    But in the end, it's still a turd.
    .
    Education is expensive. Keep that in mind, and you'll never be terribly upset when a project goes awry.
    EG

  13. #3178
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
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    An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
    Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is
    that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
    "The good news is...... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
    The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
    "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
    "Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."
    "That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even
    taken up painting landscapes in water colours."
    "That’s unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
    "Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.
    Rrumbler, JeffB2, Jack F and 1 others like this.

  14. #3179
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Bureaucrats

     



    Once upon a time (all good stories start this way,) the king of a small European country called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The royal weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain for at least 4 days.
    So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."
    The king was a polite and considerate man, and he replied: "Thanks for your concern, but don’t worry. It's not going to rain today. I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
    So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
    Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
    The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtained the information about rain today from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain very soon." So the king hired the donkey instead.
    And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and to occupy its highest and most influential positions.
    The practice is unbroken to this day...
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
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    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  15. #3180
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    The last time I was in Germany (just after WWII,) my watch started playing up.
    Instead of going tick-tock-tick-tock it would just go tick-...-tick-...-tick-... and run at half speed.
    Fortunately there was a watchmaker just down the road from the hotel we were billeted in; so I took it in for him to check it out.
    "Vot iss der matter weeth eet?" he asked.
    So I told him that it no longer goes tick-tock-tick-tock but just tick-...-tick-...-tick-... and runs at half speed.
    With that he picked it up, looked it squarely in the face and said: "Ha! Ve haff vays off making you tock!"
    stovens and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

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