Welcome to Club Hot Rod!  The premier site for everything to do with Hot Rod, Customs, Low Riders, Rat Rods, and more. 

  •  » Members from all over the US and the world!
  •  » Help from all over the world for your questions
  •  » Build logs for you and all members
  •  » Blogs
  •  » Image Gallery
  •  » Many thousands of members and hundreds of thousands of posts! 

YES! I want to register an account for free right now!  p.s.: For registered members this ad will NOT show

 
Like Tree2740Likes

Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

Reply To Thread
Page 219 of 219 FirstFirst ... 119 169 209 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219
Results 3,271 to 3,285 of 3285
  1. #3271
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,139

    Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

    Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

    Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

    Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it."

    "This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
    I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
    Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
    Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tyre.
    When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

    He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
    When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.
    Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
    It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

    And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, glennsexton and 2 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  2. #3272
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    659

    One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

    "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

  3. #3273
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,139

    Quote Originally Posted by TOW'D View Post
    One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

    "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
    I'll raise a glass to that!
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  4. #3274
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    659

    They have finally figured out what caused Tiger Woods mid career slump. As you know, he admired his father a lot and looked up to him for everything. An old video was found of Tiger and his Dad practicing golf at an early age.

    Tiger’s Dad said, “ son focus only on golf and screw everything else”
    NTFDAY, johnboy and Driver50x like this.

  5. #3275
    HOSS429's Avatar
    HOSS429 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    New Market
    Posts
    2,412

    Chuck Norris ordered a big mac today at burger king and got one ..
    Jack F and Driver50x like this.
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  6. #3276
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,139

    Covid 19

     



    This voluntary isolation to stem this virus is getting on my wick.
    It's upsetting the missus too!
    She's running around outside banging on the doors and windows pleading to be let back in.
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, glennsexton and 3 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  7. #3277
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    659

    It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut
    a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for
    almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto
    the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped
    his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.

    The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
    But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.

    The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man
    couldn’t take it any longer.
    “Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been
    here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do
    it?”

    The boy responded,
    “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”

    “What was that?” the old man asked.

    Again the boy responded,
    “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”

    “Look,” said the old man,
    “I can’t understand a word you’re saying.”

    The boy spit the bait into his hand and said,
    “You have to keep the worms warm!”
    NTFDAY, johnboy and stovens like this.

  8. #3278
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    659

    This guy is driving down the highway in his corvette and sees a hitchhiker with a big dog. So he stops and tells the the guy he would give him a ride, but there's not room for the dog. The hitchhiker says "I can tie his leash on the back bumper."

    The corvette driver says "that dog can't keep up." The hitchhiker says "oh yeah, he's pretty fast." So he ties the dog on the back bumper and they get in and take off. The driver gets up to 20 mph, looks in the mirror and the dog is trotting along behind. He kicks it up to 50, looks in the mirror and the dog is just loping along .

    So he kicks it up to 80, looks in the mirror and the dog is running all out. He thinks Damn, I gotta take another look at this dog. So he slams on the brakes and they get out and walk to the back of the vette. The dog is just standing there.
    The driver says "that's the fastest dog I've ever seen. But what's that red ring around his neck?"

    The hitchhiker says "that's his a$$hole, he's not used to stopping that fast."

  9. #3279
    rspears's Avatar
    rspears is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Gardner, KS
    Car Year, Make, Model: '33 HiBoy Coupe
    Posts
    9,757

    Not every place that changes oil knows this:

    oil change.jpg
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  10. #3280
    36 sedan's Avatar
    36 sedan is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    american canyon
    Car Year, Make, Model: 36 Ford Sedan, 23 T Bucket
    Posts
    1,675

    Ya gotta admit, it does get the last drop out, LOL...
    NTFDAY likes this.

  11. #3281
    HOSS429's Avatar
    HOSS429 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    New Market
    Posts
    2,412

    along that vein and yet not very funny at the time at the service station i worked at in the mid 80`s the nite closing crew forgot to set the safety catch on the car lift with a reasonable new mercedes convert of some kind up in the air .. the next morning it was found upside down in the next bay .. it came down on the tire rack stored nearby and flipped off ..
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  12. #3282
    rspears's Avatar
    rspears is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Gardner, KS
    Car Year, Make, Model: '33 HiBoy Coupe
    Posts
    9,757

    Quote Originally Posted by HOSS429 View Post
    along that vein and yet not very funny at the time at the service station i worked at in the mid 80`s the nite closing crew forgot to set the safety catch on the car lift with a reasonable new mercedes convert of some kind up in the air .. the next morning it was found upside down in the next bay .. it came down on the tire rack stored nearby and flipped off ..
    There's a new, bright red C8 Corvette up for auction that suffered the same fate. Fell off of the lift at the dealership and they ordered the guy a new one - https://www.hotrod.com/articles/2020...4198F82D317D4B
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  13. #3283
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,139

    Two Kiwis are standing in a bar when suddenly a woman behind them starts to choke.
    The first Kiwi lifts up the back of her skirt, pulls down her knickers and then slowly licks up and down the woman's butt crack. This shocks the woman into a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth and she begins to breathe again.
    "Ya know," his partner says in admiration, "I'd heard about that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
    Last edited by johnboy; 08-16-2020 at 10:17 PM.
    NTFDAY and 34_40 like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  14. #3284
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,139

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
    'No,' she answered.
    I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And that's when the fight started...
    ________________________________
    I took my wife to a restaurant.
    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
    "Nah, she can order for herself."
    And that's when the fight started.....
    _____________________________
    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
    I asked her, "Do you know him?"
    "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
    And then the fight started...
    ________________________________
    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
    But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer...always something more important to me.
    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
    I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
    _____________________________
    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, "What's on TV?"
    I said, "Dust."
    And then the fight started...
    ________________________________
    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
    And that's how the fight started...
    _______________________________
    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
    I bought her a bathroom scale.
    And then the fight started......
    ______________________________
    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
    And then the fight started...
    ________________________________
    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
    And then the fight started........
    ________________________________
    I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
    He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
    So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
    That's how the fight started.
    ________________________________
    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's how the fight started.
    Last edited by johnboy; 08-20-2020 at 10:34 PM.
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, 34_40 and 1 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  15. #3285
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,139

    Being nice to people.

     



    I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 73 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order.
    So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.
    When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again.

    Don't blow your horn at old people; we have been around a long time.
    NTFDAY, TOW'D and glennsexton like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Links monetized by VigLink