Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Omg!!! Eight!

good quote from Woody Allen .

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm

Originally Posted by TOW'D

good quote from Woody Allen .

In my next life I want to live my life backwards......

Good one! You clearly gave credit to Woody Allen, but as I read it my head was thinking "George Carlin", but then I realized that George would have "Spiced Up" the piece in several places, like ".... you're ready for high school, but with all those years of experience!" (add his wide eyed, shock & awe expression)!

Thanks for the smiles!

Paddy and Shane are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day, Shane slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Shane to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Shane. The nurse says, “Oh he’s out in rehab exercising.” Paddy couldn’t believe it, but there’s Shane out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he’s back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Shane slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Shane off to the hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, “He’s out in the rehab again exercising.” And sure enough, there’s Shane out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Shane comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Shane to the hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Shane is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, “He’s dead.”

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. “I suppose the saw finally did him in.”

“No”, says the nurse, “Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Paddy accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Mick's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear. Shocked by this, Paddy upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Paddy went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Mick's wife, Sue, followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Paddy admitted that he did.
Sue said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $250.'
Paddy confirmed that he is very interested. Sue told him that since her husband Mick played golf Friday afternoons and Paddy didn't, Paddy should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Paddy showed up at Mick's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum, they went to the bedroom, and Sue gave him an extremely great time. Paddy quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Mick came home from golf at 6 p.m. and upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Paddy come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked "Did he give you $250?
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did.'

Mick, with a satisfied look on his face, continued, 'Good. He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $250 from me. He promised he'd stop by this afternoon and pay it back.'


And that is how to play poker.

My neighbour asked if I'd been surprised by the recent strong winds.
"Surprised?" I said, "I was blown away!"

My new girlfriends car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them and said "Mum, I'm gonna be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh dear," she sighed, "I thought you had a real one this time."

Even Chris laughed at that one JB! LOL

just a bit funny

There was a small seminary in New England that specialized in training pastors for churches in small, rural towns. There was a student named Tom who came from a large metropolitan city area. Tom was a nice guy and enthusiastic.

Between his junior and senior year an opportunity arose for a summer pastorate in New Hampshire. Tom jumped at the chance. The day after final exams Tom packed his car and drove the six hours to the rural New Hampshire town.

Shortly after arriving at the parsonage Tom had to answer the landline phone.

“Hello, is this the summer pastor?” the lady asked.

“Yes, I’m Tom Claridge.”

“Well Parson Claridge, I’m a calling because Sister Dorothy Reynolds died three days ago, and they’re holding the graveside service this afternoon. You need to get out there quickly!”

“Just tell me how to get there and I’ll be on the way.” (This was long before GPS and cellphones).

Soon Tom was on his way with handwritten notes and a Bible in his hand. But, Tom was a city born and raised man, and was used to well marked streets and roads. Soon he became lost. And then more lost, and frustrated. After an hour had passed Tom decided to try and retrace his route and head back to the church and parsonage.

After he rounded one corner he spotted four men and a woman, with three of the men shoveling dirt into a hole.

“Stop! Wait, I’m here!” Tom hollered leaping from his car.

The men stopped shoveling and they all turned to observe Tom climbing up the small rise. “Let me at least read the 23rd Psalm and say a prayer.” They all nodded and stepped aside.

Tom gave a somber reading of the psalm, and a very nice prayer. After he said, “Amen,” he nodded at the three men leaning on their shovels and said, “You may continue.” He turned and walked to his car and drove away.

“Well, that was interesting,” the oldest man said. “In my 38 years of installing septic systems I’ve never had someone want to pray over one.”

2 gals talking

Saw this posted and it's too close to true for you married guys.... and I don't know who Alan Roper is, and really don't care.
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the 60's vs todaydrag race.jpg

An elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

An Air Force fighter pilot found himself at a gala event hosted by a local (strictly women's) liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the pilot for conversation. She said,

"Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the pilot said, "just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The aviator's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."

The pilot just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The aviator continued to stare at her and replied, "2015."

She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 2015, isn't that a little extreme?"

Then, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"