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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #3151
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Never try to be clever with a woman.

     



    A woman was going to Italy on a ten-day business trip. Before leaving, she asked her husband if there was a present he wanted her to bring back.
    “How about an Italian girl?” he laughed.

    The suggestion was met with stony silence.

    Ten days later, she returned home and he asked her whether she’d had a good trip.
    “Yes, it was surprisingly enjoyable,” she replied.
    “And where’s my present?” he smiled.
    “What present?”
    “The one I asked for – an Italian girl.”

    “Oh, that! I did what I could; now we have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl.”
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  2. #3152
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
    'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
    'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
    'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
    So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
    The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
    The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
    The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a POLITICIAN.'
    Rrumbler, cffisher, 34_40 and 1 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  3. #3153
    Al G is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    That's a good one.

  4. #3154
    34_40's Avatar
    34_40 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 Ford 3W Coupe Replica
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    That was a good one JB!

  5. #3155
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    This one most likely been told before but had me laughing

    IMMUTABLE LAWS

    Law of Mechanical Repair
    After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

    Law of Gravity
    Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

    Law of Probability
    The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

    Law of Random Numbers
    If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

    Variation Law
    If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

    Law of the Bath
    When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

    Law of Close Encounters
    The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

    Law of the Result
    When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

    Law of Biomechanics
    The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

    Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

    The Coffee Law
    As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold

    Murphy's Law of Lockers
    If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

    Law of Physical Surfaces
    The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated
    to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

    Law of Logical Argument
    Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

    Law of Physical Appearance
    If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

    Law of Public Speaking
    -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

    Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-
    As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

    Doctors' Law
    If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better.
    But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
    Rrumbler, johnboy, 34_40 and 1 others like this.

  6. #3156
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him ; 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
    'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
    He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  7. #3157
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
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    Nearing the end, an old man is surrounded by his loved ones.

    As the final moment approaches, he whispers, “I must tell you my greatest secret.”

    His family urges him to go on. “Before I got married, I had it all,” he explains,

    “Fast cars, cute girls and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me, ‘Get married and start a family. Other wise, no one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you’re on your deathbed.’

    So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are. And you know what?”

    “What?”

    “I’m not even thirsty!”
    Rrumbler, 34_40 and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  8. #3158
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Hillary is talking to The Pope, and he says:

    “With but one wave of my hand, I can make these people feel joy. A joy that nothing else in the world can bring. And it will be an eternal, everlasting joy.”

    Hillary says:

    “I’ll believe that when I see it.”

    And so, the Pope raises his hand into the air, And slaps her across the face, and the crowd goes wild.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  9. #3159
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Spiel cheque

     



    Eye halve a spelling chequer
    It came with my pea sea
    It plainly marques for my revue
    Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

    I strike a quay end type a word
    And weight four it two say
    Weather eye am wrong oar write
    It shows me strait a weigh.

    As soon as a mist ache is maid
    It nose bee fore two long
    And eye can putt the error rite
    Its rare lea ever wrong.

    Eye have wrung this poem threw it
    I am shore yore pleased two no
    Its litter perfect awl the whey
    My chequer tolled me sew.
    Last edited by johnboy; 08-18-2018 at 09:33 PM. Reason: sPEling miss steak
    Rrumbler and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  10. #3160
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. Fearing the worst, and with trembling hands, she opens it.

    Dear Mum,
    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found a real passion, and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos, and his big motorcycle.
    But it is not only that mum, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed says that we will be very happy in his caravan in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me, and that's also one of my dreams.
    I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt any-one and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who will be providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.
    In the meantime we'll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better, he deserves it.
    Don't worry mum, I'm 15 years old now, and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to get to know your grandchildren.
    Your loving daughter,
    Jenny.






    P.S. Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my School Report Card that's in my desk drawer.
    Jenny.
    Rrumbler, 34_40, Jack F and 1 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  11. #3161
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
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    After 12 children an Irish couple decided enough was enough, so the husband went to the Doctor to find out what their options were.
    "Well, you could have a vasectomy," said the Doc., "that would fix the problem, but it's very expensive."
    When the Irishman pleaded poverty, the Doctor continued: "There is a cheaper alternative, go home, get the largest firecrackers you can find, put them all in a beer can, light it, hold it up next to your ear, and count to ten."
    "C'mon, said the patient,"I mayn't be the brightest crayon in the box, but I can't see how firecrackers in a beer can will help me!"
    "Trust me," said the Doc., "it will do the job."
    So the man went home, put lots of crackers in a beer can, lit it, held it up to his ear, and began to count: "1,2,3,4,5,......." at which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so as to continue counting on the other hand.

    This option can also be applied in Auckland, Australia, and Washington.
    Rrumbler, 34_40, Jack F and 1 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  12. #3162
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
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    Two old guys were chatting.....


    One said to the other:



    "My 75th birthday was yesterday.

    The wife gave me SUV".


    Other guy responded:

    "Wow, that's amazing!

    Imagine, SUV!

    What a great gift!"


    First guy:

    "Yup.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  13. #3163
    40FordDeluxe's Avatar
    40FordDeluxe is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Ford Deluxe, 68 Corvette, 72&76 K30
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    Blog Entries
    1

    A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?

    "Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”

    The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

    "And how about you, Sarah?"

    "I wanna be Larry’s whore ...
    TOW'D, Rrumbler, 34_40 and 2 others like this.
    Ryan
    1940 Ford Deluxe Tudor 354 Hemi 46RH Electric Blue w/multi-color flames, Ford 9" Residing in multiple pieces
    1968 Corvette Coupe 5.9 Cummins Drag Car 11.43@130mph No stall leaving the line with 1250 rpm's and poor 2.2 60'
    1972 Chevy K30 Longhorn P-pumped 24v Compound Turbos 47RH Just another money pit
    1971 Camaro RS 5.3 BTR Stage 3 cam, SuperT10
    Tire Sizes

  14. #3164
    34_40's Avatar
    34_40 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 Ford 3W Coupe Replica
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    BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA.... Thanks Ryan!

  15. #3165
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A toothpaste factory had a problem.

    They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem.

    The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution – on time, on budget, and high quality.

    Everyone in the project was pleased.

    They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

    With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day.

    He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.

    Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

    “Oh, that,” the supervisor replied, “Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang.”
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

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