Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A woman was going to Italy on a ten-day business trip. Before leaving, she asked her husband if there was a present he wanted her to bring back.
“How about an Italian girl?” he laughed.

The suggestion was met with stony silence.

Ten days later, she returned home and he asked her whether she’d had a good trip.
“Yes, it was surprisingly enjoyable,” she replied.
“And where’s my present?” he smiled.
“What present?”
“The one I asked for – an Italian girl.”

“Oh, that! I did what I could; now we have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl.”

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a POLITICIAN.'

That's a good one.

That was a good one JB!

This one most likely been told before but had me laughing

IMMUTABLE LAWS

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated
to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

Law of Physical Appearance
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Law of Public Speaking
-- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better.
But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him ; 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

Nearing the end, an old man is surrounded by his loved ones.

As the final moment approaches, he whispers, “I must tell you my greatest secret.”

His family urges him to go on. “Before I got married, I had it all,” he explains,

“Fast cars, cute girls and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me, ‘Get married and start a family. Other wise, no one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you’re on your deathbed.’

So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are. And you know what?”

“What?”

“I’m not even thirsty!”

Hillary is talking to The Pope, and he says:

“With but one wave of my hand, I can make these people feel joy. A joy that nothing else in the world can bring. And it will be an eternal, everlasting joy.”

Hillary says:

“I’ll believe that when I see it.”

And so, the Pope raises his hand into the air, And slaps her across the face, and the crowd goes wild.

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques for my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

I strike a quay end type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can putt the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have wrung this poem threw it
I am shore yore pleased two no
Its litter perfect awl the whey
My chequer tolled me sew.

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. Fearing the worst, and with trembling hands, she opens it.

Dear Mum,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found a real passion, and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos, and his big motorcycle.
But it is not only that mum, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed says that we will be very happy in his caravan in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me, and that's also one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt any-one and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who will be providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.
In the meantime we'll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry mum, I'm 15 years old now, and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Jenny.






P.S. Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my School Report Card that's in my desk drawer.
Jenny.

After 12 children an Irish couple decided enough was enough, so the husband went to the Doctor to find out what their options were.
"Well, you could have a vasectomy," said the Doc., "that would fix the problem, but it's very expensive."
When the Irishman pleaded poverty, the Doctor continued: "There is a cheaper alternative, go home, get the largest firecrackers you can find, put them all in a beer can, light it, hold it up next to your ear, and count to ten."
"C'mon, said the patient,"I mayn't be the brightest crayon in the box, but I can't see how firecrackers in a beer can will help me!"
"Trust me," said the Doc., "it will do the job."
So the man went home, put lots of crackers in a beer can, lit it, held it up to his ear, and began to count: "1,2,3,4,5,......." at which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so as to continue counting on the other hand.

This option can also be applied in Auckland, Australia, and Washington.

Two old guys were chatting.....


One said to the other:



"My 75th birthday was yesterday.

The wife gave me SUV".


Other guy responded:

"Wow, that's amazing!

Imagine, SUV!

What a great gift!"


First guy:

"Yup.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?

"Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry’s whore ...

BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA.... Thanks Ryan!

A toothpaste factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution – on time, on budget, and high quality.

Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day.

He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

“Oh, that,” the supervisor replied, “Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang.”