Welcome to Club Hot Rod!  The premier site for everything to do with Hot Rod, Customs, Low Riders, Rat Rods, and more. 

  •  » Members from all over the US and the world!
  •  » Help from all over the world for your questions
  •  » Build logs for you and all members
  •  » Blogs
  •  » Image Gallery
  •  » Many thousands of members and hundreds of thousands of posts! 

YES! I want to register an account for free right now!  p.s.: For registered members this ad will NOT show

 
Like Tree2680Likes

Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

Reply To Thread
Page 216 of 226 FirstFirst ... 116 166 206 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 ... LastLast
Results 3,226 to 3,240 of 3377
  1. #3226
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,058

    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
    Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
    The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
    "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
    "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

    Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  2. #3227
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    649

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A woman gets mad at her husband. For revenge she goes to a bar and gets herself picked up by a guy.

    They go to the hotel and while he's in the bathroom she strips and lays on the bed with legs spread wide.

    The guy comes out of the bath and comments, "Wow. You're big down there!"

    Insulted she leaves immediately.

    Driving home she starts thinking. Well, I am getting older. I've had two kids.

    She gets home, goes up to the bedroom, strips down, puts a mirror on the floor and straddles it bending back and forth to see better.

    As this goes on her husband walks in unexpectedly. "What the hell are you doing?", he asks.

    Thinking quickly she starts jumping around and says, "Aerobics."

    He answers, "Aerobics, huh? Well, just be careful you don't fall into that hole in the floor."
    Rrumbler, 34_40 and 40FordDeluxe like this.

  3. #3228
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    In the Boonies of Ontario
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
    Posts
    1,307

    Paraprosdokians

     



    Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected & is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).

    1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

    2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ...but it's still on my list.

    3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

    5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

    6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

    7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

    8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

    9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

    10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify" I answered "a doctor"

    11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

    12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

    13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

    14.To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

    15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

    16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  4. #3229
    Jack F's Avatar
    Jack F is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Caldwell
    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 ford 3 window/461 pontiac
    Posts
    903

    17. I thought I was wrong once, but that was a mistake.




    Jack.
    Rrumbler and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    www.clubhotrod.com/forums/showthread.php?t=44081

  5. #3230
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,058

    I just wanted to make a snowman...

     



    8:00 I made a snowman.

    8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

    8:15 So, I made a snow woman

    8:17 My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere

    8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead

    8:22 The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts

    8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

    8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white..

    8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa

    8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended

    8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role

    8:43 The council equalities officer arrived and threatened me with eviction

    8:45 TV news crew from TVNZ shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am called a sexist.

    9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

    9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices... my children are taken by social services

    9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded

    Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live today, and it's going to get worse
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  6. #3231
    34_40's Avatar
    34_40 is online now CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    New Bedford
    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 Ford 3W Coupe Replica
    Posts
    13,224

    SNOWBALLS!!! BWAhahahahahahahaha.. rptflmfao!!! Thanks for the laugh JB!
    Rrumbler likes this.

  7. #3232
    53 Chevy5's Avatar
    53 Chevy5 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Doon, Ia
    Car Year, Make, Model: 53 Chevy 3100
    Posts
    2,119

    I was told it's the first day of spring today?
    Attached Images
    Seth

    God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing. C.S.Lewis

  8. #3233
    34_40's Avatar
    34_40 is online now CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    New Bedford
    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 Ford 3W Coupe Replica
    Posts
    13,224

    Yeah, I'm stuck at work right now waiting for the fourth nor'easter to slam us. ugh.. I'm hating winter right about now!
    40FordDeluxe likes this.

  9. #3234
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,058

    Suicide Prevention...

     



    A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

    A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?”

    She screamed, “NO! B#%%*^r off you filthy old pervert!”

    He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I’ll just go and wait at the bottom.”

    She didn’t jump.
    TOW'D, Rrumbler, Jack F and 1 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  10. #3235
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    In the Boonies of Ontario
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
    Posts
    1,307

    One day a man decided to retire...

    He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

    He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

    After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

    In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

    She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

    "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

    "But, where did you get the tools?"

    "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

    The guy is stunned.

    "Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

    Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

    While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

    "Would you like a drink?"

    "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

    "Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

    Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces," I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

    No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

    "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

    When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

    "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

    He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,


    "You've built a Golf Course?"
    TOW'D, Rrumbler, 53 Chevy5 and 5 others like this.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  11. #3236
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,058

    I never saw that coming!
    Good one!
    stovens likes this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  12. #3237
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,058

    A 71-year-old man is having a drink in a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous 19-year-old girl enters and sits down a few seats away.

    The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her. After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

    Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:

    “I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game. I want 100 dollars, and there’s another condition”.

    Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

    “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

    The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 ten-dollar bills in her outstretched hand.

    He then looks her square in the eye, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."
    Rrumbler, 34_40, stovens and 1 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  13. #3238
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,058

    What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another tectonic plate?


    "Sorry, my fault!"
    Rrumbler, 34_40, stovens and 1 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  14. #3239
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Tataraimaka NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,058

    Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery: Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get married, begin the quest to change their behavior and life-style once their vows are exchanged? Finally, the riddle is solved. A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation:

    When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn.
    Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts where the brain absorbs these three stimuli: Aisle, altar, and hymn. She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions:- Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn.
    And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is complete. She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself:

    “I’ll alter him!”

    HERE ENDETH THE LESSON.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  15. #3240
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    In the Boonies of Ontario
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
    Posts
    1,307

    Here are the winners of taking any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supplying a new definition.

    1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
    2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.
    3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
    4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
    5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
    6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
    7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
    8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
    9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
    10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
    11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
    12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
    13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
    14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
    15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
    16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
    17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
    johnboy, stovens, Jack F and 1 others like this.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Links monetized by VigLink