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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #3361
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Feb 2004
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    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    645

    A buxom young lady decides to go for a swim in the ocean, so she wades in and is hit by a huge wave, tearing off her bikini top and washing it out to sea.
    She tries to cover herself up with her hands and arms and heads back to shore.
    Just as she walking is out of the water and heading for her beach towel and clothes,
    a little boy comes up to her and says, "Hey lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with the brown nose."
    johnboy and 34_40 like this.

  2. #3362
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    May 2005
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    Opunake NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
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    2,025

    An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
    Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jim had carved "I love you, Lucy".
    On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Lucy quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
    Jim said,: "We've got to give it back."
    Lucy said: "Finders keepers."
    She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
    The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
    Lucy said: "No."
    Jim said: "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
    Lucy said: "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."
    The agents turned to Jim and began to question him.
    One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
    Jim said: "Well, when Lucy and I were walking home from school yesterday .."

    The first police officer turned to his partner and said: "Let’s get out of here."
    TOW'D, glennsexton, 34_40 and 1 others like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  3. #3363
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    May 2005
    Location
    Opunake NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
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    A huge thank you to my neighbour for allowing me to borrow her large sheet of plastic covering.


    Ta, Pauline.
    34_40 likes this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  4. #3364
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Opunake NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,025

    A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
    Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.
    They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

    So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
    The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
    The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said:

    “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."
    TOW'D, glennsexton and 34_40 like this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  5. #3365
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Opunake NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,025

    I gave all my dead batteries away today…


    Free of charge.


    The positive side is that I recycled them instead of sending them to landfill.


    The negative is that I didn't get paid.
    34_40 likes this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  6. #3366
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    May 2005
    Location
    Opunake NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,025

    During my last physical examination, the doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
    I described a typical day this way:

    "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.
    I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through bush.
    I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
    I avoided standing on a snake.
    I climbed several rocky hills.
    I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees - (ahhh, what a relief.)
    The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
    At the end of it all I drank eight beers"
    Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
    "No," I replied,



    "I'm just a shit golfer".
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  7. #3367
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Opunake NZ
    Car Year, Make, Model: `47 Ford sedan, A.C.Cobra replica.
    Posts
    2,025

    We had the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire suburb.

    To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

    Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger RD1 had, made for 100 kms of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, driven 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

    One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Bunnings 6hp mower.. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.

    I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

    Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence-wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a truck battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still.

    The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

    Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ.

    Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

    At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.

    I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

    This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma-damp Scrubby Creek bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of fuel.

    'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

    Covered in poop, pee and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'.

    But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.......So here I am in the middle of January, 38 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.

    God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

    I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of petrol.

    It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it.

    I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

    1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

    2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

    3- Poop, pee and vomit when all mixed together, does not smell as bad a you might think.

    4- My left eye will not open.

    5- My right eye will not close.

    6- The lawnmower runs like a demon now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something because it was better than new after that.

    7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long

    8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)

    That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

    The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
    NTFDAY likes this.
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  8. #3368
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Mar 2005
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    Tigard
    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
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    2,180

    Last weekend I saw something at the local Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

    Way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Boris, looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Boris (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. He's such a good cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

    Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

    I'm sitting there alone, Boris looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it, dipstick,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT IN THE HOLY NAME OF HORATIO HOUND-SOOTH JUST HAPPENED??!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

    SON-OF-A-BISCUIT-EATING-BULLFROG, THAT HURT!!!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

    P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
    TOW'D, johnboy and 34_40 like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

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