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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #1816
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart
    A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.


    The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

    The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!






















    Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  2. #1817
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    my neighbor grows some of the most impressive big brite red tomatoes you have never seen .. my wife has been trying for years and has never had much luck .. one day she asked the guy " how do you grow so big and red of tomatoes ? " .. he said every morning i walk out here in my nite clothes and "flash" them briefly !! it embarasses them and makes them blush brite red .. my wife say`s " i`ll try that .. so after a week of flashing the neighbor asks my wife has it helped tomatoes ? no she said .. but you should see my cucumbers !!!!
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  3. #1818
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    Old Geezer and Young Blonde

    A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, old geezer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
    The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
    The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and drool over her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
    The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the geezer and asks, "Can you top that?"
    The tough old geezer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  4. #1819
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    Five year old's first job

    Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

    A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

    They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

    At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

    The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

    When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller asked the little girl how she had earned the money. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

    "Oh my goodness," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
    The little girl replied, "I will, if those a**holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f**kin' sheet rock..."

    Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  5. #1820
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    How to stretch your pension

     



    A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

    The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

    When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

    Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

    The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house, I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare





    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  6. #1821
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    This black lady walks into the photo studio with her teen age daughter to have their portrait taken. The photographer sets them down in front of the camera then goes behind and puts his head under the black cape. The daughter asks the mother.... What he gona do? the mother replies.... he gona focus. The daughter asks in amazement.... boff us?

  7. #1822
    Larry M's Avatar
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    THE HORTH WHITHPERER



    A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

    His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

    'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

    So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

    'A female horth.'

    So he shows him a prized filly.

    'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

    So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

    'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

    So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

    'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

    The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

    'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

    Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

    The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

    'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'
    Every Day I Wake Up Above Ground Is a Good Day!!

  8. #1823
    bannedleader is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Wink

     



    Quote Originally Posted by Jack F View Post
    This black lady walks into the photo studio with her teen age daughter to have their portrait taken. The photographer sets them down in front of the camera then goes behind and puts his head under the black cape. The daughter asks the mother.... What he gona do? the mother replies.... he gona focus. The daughter asks in amazement.... boff us?
    Rude, crass, racist, un-p.c. and tasteless......Keep up the good work

  9. #1824
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    Banned,

    Yeah, thought I might be pushing the envelope on that one. Tried to make the lady and daughter generic but the dialect used dictated otherwise.

    Jack.

  10. #1825
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    New Miranda Warning


    A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

    She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."


    The drunk says:




    "Your naked body."


    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  11. #1826
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    Bumper Stickers for Seniors

     



    Pictures did not post.
    Last edited by RestoRod; 08-04-2010 at 07:51 PM. Reason: Replacing pictures
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  12. #1827
    glennsexton's Avatar
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    Parallels of Abraham Lincoln & Barack Obama

     



    You might be surprised...

    Parallels of Abraham Lincoln & Barack Obama

    1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration; Obama used the same Bible.

    2. Lincoln came from Illinois; Obama comes from Illinois.

    3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature; Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.

    4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President; Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

    5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration; Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.

    6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer; Obama is a skinny lawyer.

    7. Lincoln was a Republican; Obama is a skinny lawyer.

    8. Lincoln was in the United States military; Obama is a skinny lawyer.

    9. Lincoln believed that everyone should carry their own weight; Obama is a skinny lawyer.

    10. Lincoln did not waste taxpayer's money on personal enjoyments; Obama is a skinny lawyer.

    11. Lincoln was highly respected; Obama is a skinny lawyer.

    12. Lincoln was born in the United States; Obama is a skinny lawyer.

    13. Lincoln was honest; so honest he was called "Honest Abe"; Obama is a skinny lawyer. .

    14. Lincoln saved the United States; Obama is a skinny lawyer.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  13. #1828
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    10 dog peeves about humans

     



    1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not very funny at all!

    2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!

    3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

    4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

    5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

    6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

    7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back

    8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

    9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

    10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  14. #1829
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    Quote Originally Posted by glennsexton View Post
    You might be surprised...

    Parallels of Abraham Lincoln & Barack Obama

    1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration; Obama used the same Bible.

    2. Lincoln came from Illinois; Obama comes from Illinois.

    3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature; Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.

    4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President; Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

    5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration; Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.

    6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer; Obama is a skinny lawyer.

    7. Lincoln was a Republican; Obama is a skinny lawyer.

    8. Lincoln was in the United States military; Obama is a skinny lawyer.

    9. Lincoln believed that everyone should carry their own weight; Obama is a skinny lawyer.

    10. Lincoln did not waste taxpayer's money on personal enjoyments; Obama is a skinny lawyer.

    11. Lincoln was highly respected; Obama is a skinny lawyer.

    12. Lincoln was born in the United States; Obama is a skinny lawyer.

    13. Lincoln was honest; so honest he was called "Honest Abe"; Obama is a skinny lawyer. .

    14. Lincoln saved the United States; Obama is a skinny lawyer.
    Glenn,wasnt Abraham Lincoln assassinated????
    Micah 6:8

    If we aren't supposed to have midnight snacks,,,WHY is there a light in the refrigerator???

    Robin.

  15. #1830
    IC2
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    Quote Originally Posted by lamin8r View Post
    Glenn,wasn't Abraham Lincoln assassinated????

    .....while currently over 57% of the polled American people don't like this guy, not a pleasant thought with the potential racial repercussions. Also, just think of the airports, schools and highways that would have to be renamed
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

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