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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #1966
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    man who cook carrot and pea in same pot very unsanitary.

  2. #1967
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    A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely

    40 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.


    He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'


    She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'


    He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye.


    Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'


    The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.


    Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'
    He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.


    She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'


    Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.'

  3. #1968
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    Blondes Are The Best!!!


    A blonde & her husband are lying in bed
    Listening to the next door neighbor's dog..
    It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
    The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
    "I've had enough of this".
    She goes downstairs.

    The blonde finally comes back up to bed
    And her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
    What have you been doing?"

    The blonde says,
    "I put the dog in our backyard,
    let's see how THEY like it!


    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Two Blondes With Hammers...

    Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work
    on a Habitat for Humanity House.
    Lynn was nailing down house siding,
    would reach into her nail ,
    Pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it
    over her shoulder or nail it in.

    Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '
    Why are you Throwing those nails away?'
    Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
    about half of Them have the head on the wrong end
    & I throw them away.'
    Judy got completely upset & yelled,
    'You moron! Those nails aren't Defective!
    They're for the other side of the house!'

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Did you hear about the two blondes
    who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

    They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    You might have to think twice about this one.

    A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
    Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
    Room doctor asked her.

    'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

    'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
    Off your finger?'

    'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &
    Then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...

    I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

    'So then?' asked the doctor.

    'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00
    To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

    'So then?'

    'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a
    Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
    Trigger.

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
    Hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
    To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
    Decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the
    Tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

    So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
    Blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
    Harder, & still nothing happened.

    Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
    Blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
    Tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
    The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
    You need to roll up the windows first.'

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    These are just too cute not to pass on!!!!

    A blonde was shopping at Target &
    came across a shiny silver Thermos.
    She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
    It to the clerk to ask what it was.

    The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
    It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

    'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!'
    So she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

    Her boss saw it on her desk.
    'What's that,' he asked?

    'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things
    Cold,' she replied..

    Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

    The blond replied......
    'Two popsicles &some coffee.'

    +++++++++++++

    AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

    A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

    Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

    The blonde replies,
    'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
    My mother had passed away.'

    The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,
    'Why don't you go home for the
    Day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'

    'Thanks, but I'd be better off here.
    I need to keep my mind off it &
    I have the best chance of doing that here.'

    The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
    A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.
    He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...

    'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

    'No!' exclaims the blonde.
    'I just received a horrible call from my
    sister. Her mother died, too!'

    Blondes Are The Best!!!
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  4. #1969
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    DEA officer stops at a local ranch to talk with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

    The officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.”

    Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge old man? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

    The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

    A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the officer running for his life chased by the rancher's biggest and meanest bull...

    With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he”ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...



    “Your badge. Show him your F***ing BADGE!”


    Last edited by RestoRod; 10-04-2010 at 03:38 PM.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  5. #1970
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    Speaking of old rancher jokes:

    One day an old rancher had to go to town to get a part for his J.D. so he could continue plowing the field but his wife was gone in the car so he had to drive his old farm truck which was a beater to say the least.

    Well he ends up on the Freeway Loop around town going about 40 in a 70 zone and a local cop pulls him over.

    The cop gets out with his ticket book and starts eying the old man's truck and then he gets to laughing and finally walks up to the driver's side window and, with a smirk on his face he says.

    "What in the hell do you call this POS?"
    The rancher replies that it is his farm truck
    and the cop comments that he should be ashamed to be seen in such a pile of junk
    and the rancher explains that is all he had to drive and he needed to get the tractor par
    then the cop starts writing in his ticket book but there are some little flies buzzing all around his head and he is swatting at them
    the rancher says "those are heel flies, we mostly see them at the farm buzzing around horse's rearends"
    the cop continued to write and then stopped and said " are you calling me a horse's arse?"
    the rancher says "oh no sir, I would never disrespect an officer of the law"
    the cop says "well ok then"
    and then the rancher says "but it's sure hard to fool them heel flies"
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  6. #1971
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    Down in Lafourche Parish , Louisiana , Boudreaux gets a job with BP helping with the cleanup.
    He reports for work and is told to speak to a supervisor about his assignment.
    He finds the man and asks, “What is I supposed to do?”
    The supervisor tells him to go to the animal shelter and clean the pelicans.
    Two hours later, Boudreaux comes up to the supervisor and says,
    “Okay dey all cleaned. You want me to fix a roux & cook some rice?”
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  7. #1972
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    The economy is so bad that,...


    I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

    Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

    I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

    CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

    Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

    My ATM gave me an IOU!

    A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

    I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

    I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.

    If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

    McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

    Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

    Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

    My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

    A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

    Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

    A picture is now only worth 200 words.

    They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street ."

    When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

    The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

    Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

    And, finally...


    I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  8. #1973
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    Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.
    Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides of first the right tire, followed by the left.
    He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic stritease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap onto a pile of hay.
    "What the feck are you doing Mick?" says Paddy.
    "Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me," says an obviously embarrased Mick, "but me and the missus have been having some trouble in the bedroom department lately, and the therapist we went to suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  9. #1974
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    Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

    The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two buddies, Ollie and Sven.

    The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.

    Ollie arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Ollie said,'Vell, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

    The mortician rolled him over and Ollie said,'Nope, ain't Stanley.' The mortician thought this was rather strange.

    So he brought Sven in to confirm the identity of the body.

    Sven looked at the body and said,'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over...'The mortician rolled him over and Sven said,'No, it ain't Stanley.'

    The mortician asked,'How can you tell?' Sven said,'Well, Stanley had two assholes.''What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

    'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

    There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

  10. #1975
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    Speaking of Stanley

     



    Stanley was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

    He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

    Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

    After considering briefly, Stanley decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Stanley.

    Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Stanley soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

    Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Stanley. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

    Again, Stanley thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Stanley.

    Although he survived, it took several months before Stanley fully recovered.

    Now Stanley was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

    He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder.

    He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

    The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Stanley, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  11. #1976
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    FINALLY !
    A Cell Phone for Senior Citizens !

    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  12. #1977
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    1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
    Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer
    At Passing Cars.
    See If They Slow Down.
    2. On all your cheque stubs, write ' For Marijuana'
    3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

    4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
    5. Sing Along At The Opera.
    6. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

    7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

    8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
    And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

    9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

  13. #1978
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    Never hire a man to do a woman's job .......


    A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.


    After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.


    The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."


    The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."


    So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."


    The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."


    "No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."


    Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."


    The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman....... She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a b@#$% to death with the chair!"
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  14. #1979
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    For all you cat lovers.

     



    The Cat.

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.


    As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

    The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.


    Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
    He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.


    Hours later the man calls home to his wife:

    'Jen, is the cat there?'

    'Yes,' the wife answers, 'why do you ask?'

    Frustrated, the man answered, 'Put the smart arse on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!'


    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  15. #1980
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    Hahaha, ain't it so - - - - if WE only knew what THEY knew
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

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