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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #1801
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    Republicans in Hell

    While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

    "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

    "No problem, just let me in." says the Republican.

    "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

    "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Republican head of state.

    "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Republican, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

    They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

    "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the Republican head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

    "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

    He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

    So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Republican and lays an arm on his neck.

    "I don't understand," stammers the Republican head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

    The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  2. #1802
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    Nascar News
    Raleigh, NC

    Jeff Gordon announced last week that he was firing his entire pit crew. This
    announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of a government sponsored
    TARP funded project designed to train and employ unemployed LA gang members. The
    decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed
    youth from LA were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without
    proper equipment; whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with
    millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent
    and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the
    pits.

    However, Gordon got more than he bargained for! At the crew's first practice
    session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6
    seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, and within 24
    seconds had altered the VIN number, and within 2 minutes had sold and delivered the
    car to Dale Ernhart, Jr., for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of
    Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

  3. #1803
    fitzwilly's Avatar
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    Having mom over for dinner

     



    You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

    Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

    Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

    About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

    Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

    __________________________________________________________

    Dear Mom,

    I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

    Love, Brian

    __________________________________________________________

    Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

    ____________________________________________________

    Dear Son,

    I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

    Love, Mom

    LESSON OF THE DAY ‚

    NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

  4. #1804
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person.








    I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'? Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, single malt scotch, and martinis into urine.



    Harold should be an inspiration to all of us.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  5. #1805
    fitzwilly's Avatar
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    Glass eye

     



    A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

    Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
    He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

    "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

    They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

    After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

    The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
    The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

    "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

    "No," she replied, "You just happened to catch my eye."

  6. #1806
    glennsexton's Avatar
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    I didn't see that one coming.....
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  7. #1807
    CR55's Avatar
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    Fitzwilly, you ain't right!!!...CR
    I thought I knew a lot, until I had teenagers!

  8. #1808
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    Is Sex Work ???

     



    An Army N.C.O. was about to start the morning-briefing to all
    of his staff. While waiting for the coffee-machine to finish its
    brewing, the N.C.O. decided to pose a question to all assembled. He
    explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and
    therefore he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

    He posed the question of just how much concerning the act of sex was
    'work', and how much of it was pure 'pleasure'?

    A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favor of 'work'.

    A Lieutenant said it was probably about 50-50%.

    A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favor of 'pleasure',
    depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

    There being no consensus, the N.C.O. turned to the private who
    was in charge of making the coffee. What was his opinion ?

    Without any hesitation, the young private responded, "Sir, it has to be
    100% pleasure, Sir."

    The N..C.O. was a little surprised and, as you might guess, said "And
    why is that, soldier" ?

    "Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
    doing it for them, Sir".

    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  9. #1809
    fitzwilly's Avatar
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    6 Degrees of Blonde

     



    `¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*
    FIRST DEGREE
    A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
    The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
    and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
    The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
    some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
    `¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*
    SECOND DEGREE
    Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
    the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
    mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde
    says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
    The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
    `¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,. -:*¥`¥*:-.,_,-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*
    THIRD DEGREE
    A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
    so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
    unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
    in the arms of a redhead.
    Well, the blonde is really angry.
    She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
    she is overcome with grief.
    She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
    The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
    The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
    `¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*
    FOURTH DEGREE
    A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
    She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
    A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
    The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
    `¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*
    FIFTH DEGREE
    What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
    'Is it mine?'
    `¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*
    SIXTH DEGREE
    Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
    ransacked and burglarized.
    She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
    The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
    As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog,
    then sat down on the steps.
    Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
    I call the police for help, and what do they do?
    They send me a BLIND policeman.'
    `¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,-:*¥`¥*:-.,_,.-:*¥`¥*

  10. #1810
    glennsexton's Avatar
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    New Hollywood Releases

     



    Must see remakes of some of the great classics!
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    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  11. #1811
    rspears's Avatar
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    Thought this was a joke page, not current events....
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  12. #1812
    glennsexton's Avatar
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    Oh lighten up-- Current events are a joke!!
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  13. #1813
    MikeB's Avatar
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    I laughed so hard tears were running down my cheeks, wait a minute, I think they're real tears.
    Mike
    '56 Ford F100

  14. #1814
    IC2
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    .....and speaking of current events - here is a high level jokster:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQeNikp1Rj8
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  15. #1815
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    Victory Celebration for Healthcare

     



    Bill is in Haiti,let the fun begin!
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