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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #1696
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    THOSE over 50 are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves..
    Feeling 'young' , we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.

    Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO
    NOT go together and should be avoided:


    1.. A nose ring and bifocals


    2.. Spiked hair and bald spots

    3. A pierced tongue and dentures

    4. Miniskirts and support hose

    5.. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

    6. Speedos and cellulite

    7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

    8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

    9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

    10.. Bikinis and liver spots

    11. Mini skirts and varicose veins

    And, Most importantly

    At some point you have to give up the 'DAISY DUKE' shorts

  2. #1697
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    His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
    The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.

  3. #1698
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    Some funny stuff in here, now keep an open mind, this is meant to be humor.


    One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

    The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

    When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

    And that's how the fight started....
    ___________________________

    I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

    'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

    So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

    And that's when the fight started...
    ___________________________

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

    'No,' she answered.

    I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

    So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

    And that's when the fight started...
    _______________________________

    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

    Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

    I told her the beer would make her look better than the cold cream.

    And that's when the fight started.....
    __________________________________________________ ______________________

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

    He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

    'Nah, she can order for herself.'

    And that's when the fight started....
    _____________________________

    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

    She asked, 'What's on TV?'

    I said, 'Dust.'

    And then the fight started...
    ___________________________

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

    She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

    I bought her a scale.

    And then the fight started...
    __________________________________________________ ______________________

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

    'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

    I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

    And then the fight started...
    __________________________________________________ ______________________

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. There was always something more important to me.

    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

    I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

    I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp

  4. #1699
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    computer gender

     



    Is The Comuputer a Man or a Woman
    language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
    Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
    The teacher wasn't certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
    The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
    The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.
    BARB

    LET THE FUN BEGIN

  5. #1700
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    Bubba bought a boat

     



    Boat Launching Procedures
    So here it is.
    I just bought a new boat and decided to take 'er for the maiden voyage this past weekend.
    This is my first boat and I wasn't quite sure of the exact Standard Operating Procedures for launching it off a ramp, but I figured it couldn't be too hard.
    I consulted my local boat dealer for advice, but they just said "don't let the trailer get too deep when you are trying to launch the boat".


    Well, I don't know what they meant by that as I could barely get the trailer in the water at all!
    Anyhow, here's a picture below. See for yourself.
    What am I doing wrong?

    Attached Images

  6. #1701
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    So now it all begins again...




    Once again, I was disqualified from my neighborhood's "Best Decorated House" contest due to my bad attitude!



    Attached Images

  7. #1702
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    Living Will

     



    Last night,my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

    She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

    She's such a bastard at times......

  8. #1703
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    U.S.Navy releases Al Qaeda Terrorist - I can' t believe it!!!!!
    The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea


    .
    In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.
    The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.
    ,
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    Attached Images
    Every Day I Wake Up Above Ground Is a Good Day!!

  9. #1704
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1937 Chevy truck & Sedan,2005 Mustang
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    Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee
    machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells
    nice.

    After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a
    Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment
    grievance against him.

    The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: "What's sexually
    threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

    The woman replies, "It's Johnny. The midget."





    BUBBA HAS A QUESTION....


    Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, 'Is It true theys suin them cigarette companies
    fer causin people to git cancer?'

    'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.

    'And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries
    with all them burgers An fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?'

    'Sure is, Bubba.'

    'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?'

    'Yep.'

    'And that football player sued that university when he graduaided and still couldn't read?'

    'That's right,' said the lawyer..'
    'But why are you asking?'

    'Well, I was thinkin...

    What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?'








    A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
    As she bends over to look more closely, she
    unexpectedly farted.

    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere
    near.

    As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Good looking as well.

    Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's, he politely greets the
    lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

    Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price
    of this lovely bracelet?'

    He answers, "Madam...if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
    Angie

  10. #1705
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    These two guys are carpooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored.

    So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone's front lawn.

    "Look," he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?"

    The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?".

    The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style.

    So the passenger says "You have to try it. It's pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."

    The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try.

    So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks "Well. How did it go?"

    To which the driver replies "It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn.!!!"

  11. #1706
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    guy rules

     



    The Guy's rules
    The Guys' Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules " From the female side.Now h ere are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! - Men ARE not mind readers.
    - Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
    - Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
    - Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
    - Crying is blackmail.
    - Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
    - Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
    - Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
    - A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem See a doctor.
    - Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
    - If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
    - If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
    - If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
    - You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
    - Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
    - Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
    - ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
    - If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
    - If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
    - If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
    - When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine... Really.
    - Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
    - You have enough clothes.
    - You have too many shoes.
    - I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
    - Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
    But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
    BARB

    LET THE FUN BEGIN

  12. #1707
    IC2
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    Barb - you got most of the points, but there will be others
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  13. #1708
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    thought you guys would appreciate it.
    BARB

    LET THE FUN BEGIN

  14. #1709
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 37 Chevy. 48 and 60 Harleys
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    A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.

    A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you."

    "Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine." With that the physician left.

    The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire.

    "Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools, and I didn't think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"
    I thought I knew a lot, until I had teenagers!

  15. #1710
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    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus knows you're here.''

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

    Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot. “Yep”, the parrot confessed, and then squawked, “I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”

    The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?” “Moses,” replied the bird. “Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'’ without hesitation, the parrot replied, “the kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

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