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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #1831
    MelloYello's Avatar
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    A little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone,
    from school one day, when a big man in a car pulls up beside her.
    After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, "Hey there,
    do you want to go for a ride?"
    "NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
    The car again pulls up beside her and asks,
    "I will give you $10 if you hop in the car." "NO!"
    says the little girl as she hurries down the street.
    The car pulls up beside the little girl again
    and says, "I'm feeling generous today! I'll give you
    20 bucks and a big bag of candy if you will just hop
    in my car and go for a ride with me."
    Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him
    and screams out. . .


    "Look Dad, you're the one who bought the Ford
    instead of the Chevy! So ride in it by yourself!"
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  2. #1832
    CR55's Avatar
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 37 Chevy. 48 and 60 Harleys
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    George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

    Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

    Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

    Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

    When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

    The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
    I thought I knew a lot, until I had teenagers!

  3. #1833
    Larry M's Avatar
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    Old Sea Story

    There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Boatswain that his men smelled bad.


    The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.


    The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"


    The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."


    He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now GET TO IT!"





    THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:



    Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.
    Every Day I Wake Up Above Ground Is a Good Day!!

  4. #1834
    Larry M's Avatar
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    Some guys are just luckier than others
    Attached Images
    Every Day I Wake Up Above Ground Is a Good Day!!

  5. #1835
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 56 Olds
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    Crack in my widshield!

    My Ride
    56 Olds, Rocket 88 Http://dogtagsvette.5u.com
    LS1 powered
    4L65 E
    Mustang ll front Clip
    Ford 9" Butt
    13' Wilwood brakes with
    Hydraboost power.

  6. #1836
    Larry M's Avatar
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    It's Hell to be Old....................................

    OLD people have problems that you haven't
    even considered yet!

    An 85-year-old man was requested by his
    Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
    exam.

    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
    this jar home and bring back a semen sample
    tomorrow.'

    The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
    at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
    which was as clean and empty as on the
    previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man
    explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
    with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
    with my left hand, but still nothing.

    'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
    her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
    She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
    then with her teeth out, still nothing.

    'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
    and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
    armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
    her knees, but still nothing.'

    The doctor was shocked!

    'You asked your neighbor?'

    The old man replied,









    'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
    Every Day I Wake Up Above Ground Is a Good Day!!

  7. #1837
    Larry M's Avatar
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    A guy traveling through Mexico
    On vacation lost his wallet and
    All of his identification.

    Cutting his trip short, he attempted
    To make his way home, but was stopped
    By the U.S. Customs Agent at the border;

    "May I see your identification, please?"
    Asked the agent.

    "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet,"
    Replied the guy.

    "Sure buddy, I hear that every day.
    No I.D., no entry," said the agent.

    "But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed.
    "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan
    Tattooed on one side of my butt and
    George Bush on the other.

    "This I gotta see," replied the agent.

    With that, the guy dropped his pants
    And showed the agent his behind.

    "By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent.
    "Have a safe trip back to Chicago.

    "Thanks!" he said.
    "But how did you know I was from Chicago?"

    The agent replied,
    "I recognized Obama in the middle."
    Every Day I Wake Up Above Ground Is a Good Day!!

  8. #1838
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    A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.


    The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
    One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

    Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.



    On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...


    (Please scroll down all the way.)











    What were you
    Thinking?



    Her husband speaks English!

    Now get back to the forum.




    I worry about you
    Sometimes!
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  9. #1839
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 59 FORD FAIRLANE 500 GALAXIE
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    Hotrodders bathtub

     



    During a recent visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not a hotrodder should be put in an old age home?"

    "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the hotrodder and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

    "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the tea cup."

    "No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the window?"
    Last edited by fitzwilly; 04-08-2010 at 07:37 PM.

  10. #1840
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    Don't Mess With us Old Guys!

     



    An elderly gentleman.....

    Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

    The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

    The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

    I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  11. #1841
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    Sunday School

     



    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

    The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

    Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

    The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

    The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

    The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'



    A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

    As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

    The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

    The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

    Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.


    A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

    After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

    Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.


    The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

    'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

    A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  12. #1842
    Larry M's Avatar
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    MY FATHER IS A STRIPPER IN
    A GAY BAR...........




    One day a
    fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers
    did for a living. All the typical answers came up --
    fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer,
    and so forth.

    However, little Justin was
    being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher
    prodded him about his father, he finally replied, ?Okay...my
    father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off
    all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in
    his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good,
    he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night
    for money.'


    The teacher, obviously
    shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children
    to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside
    to ask him, 'Is that really true about your
    father?'




    'No', the boy
    said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National
    Committee and helped get Barack Obama elected President last
    year, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the
    class.'
    Every Day I Wake Up Above Ground Is a Good Day!!

  13. #1843
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    A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
    'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

    The father thought for a moment, then answered,
    'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

    Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,

    and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
    Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

    So the boy went to his mother and asked,
    'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

    The mother replied, 'Of course I would!
    We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

    The boy then went to his sister and asked,
    'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

    The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt
    I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

    The boy then went to his brother and asked,
    'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

    'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

    The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

    His father asked him,
    'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

    The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .

    But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  14. #1844
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    Saint Nancy

     



    On a Saturday afternoon in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral.

    He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day’s sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

    The Cardinal replied, “No. I don’t really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi’s views.”

    Pelosi’s aide then said, “Look. I’ll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you’ll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint.”

    The Cardinal thought about it and said, “Well, the church can use the money, so I’ll work your request into tomorrow’s sermon.”

    As Pelosi’s aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle. And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present.

    Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation — “While Speaker Pelosi’s presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.

    Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California . She simply is not to be trusted.”

    The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, “But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint.”
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  15. #1845
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    Letter to Jesse James

     



    You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock? How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful
    women in the world; she has a body to die for, and her current wealth and predicted wealth is shadowed only by Oprah, who even Steadman
    will tell you, isn't attractive.

    But your wife, who recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now the named "America's Sweetheart"; you also remember she
    just won an Oscar (which translates to more money per picture she makes in the future)...while you were shacking with that tattooed freak,
    who just happens to be a former stripper and is someone's mommy.

    You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet! And while the State of California is a “ no-fault State”
    whereby you may be able to take half of your wife's wealth, in doing so you would only be hated even more...especially after Sandra’s speech
    during the Oscars in which she did nothing but praise you. How can you live with yourself after she even cared for your children?

    I only have one thing to say to a despicable, miserable, cheating piece of crap that you are:

    Thank You!! You really helped to take the heat off of of me. Lets do lunch sometime and compare notes.

    Tiger Woods
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

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