Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a
dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose
funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the
dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Get in line.'

Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign 'FREE KITTENS' next to them. Suddenly a long line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. 'Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?' he asked.

'Kittens' Little Suzy says. 'They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet.'

'What kind of kittens are they?' he asked.

'Democrats' says Little Suzy. The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.

Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl with the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these 'democrat' kittens.

The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the 'FREE KITTENS' sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN. Everyone had their cameras ready and then Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy. 'Now don't be frightened,' he said, I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today.'

'Yes sir,' Suzy said, 'they are all REPUBLICAN kittens.'

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, 'But yesterday you told me they were DEMOCRATS.'

Little Suzy says, 'Yes, I know. But, today they have their eyes open.

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken back.

"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

> New Plan for saving the airlines:
>
> Dump the male flight attendants. No one
> wanted them in the first place.
>
> Replace all the female flight attendants
> with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve
> food anymore, so what's the loss?
>
> The strippers would at least triple the
> alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of
> course, every businessman in this country would start flying again,
> hoping to see naked women.
>
> Because of the tips, female flight
> attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I
> suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for
> working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including
> lap dances and 'special services.'
>
> Muslims would be afraid to get on the
> planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a
> screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
>
> This is definitely a win-win situation if
> we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an
> asset.
>
> Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I
> still have to do everything myself?
>
>
>
>
>
> Sincerely,
>
>
>
> Bill Clinton

If you're a "Baby Boomer", I'm sure that you can appreciate this. If younger - that's a sign of the times(to come ). Older - you already know.

You need your speakers turned on !!


http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/...,1036393.blurb

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really
cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and
said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...'The girl
looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult
with her boyfriend... So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the
money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still
waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the
boyfriend calls and asks 'What happened...?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard
had all *quarters!'*

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's
* *entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

DNA evidence after she stood up! Click the picture to watch video.

Friendship among Women:


A woman didn't come home one night.

The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them
knew anything about it.


Friendship among Men:


A man didn't come home one night.

The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

A Fair Explanation

The wife came home early and found her husband in their
bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the
mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a
divorce straight away!' And the husband replied,
'Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell
you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she
sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll
say to me!' And the husband began -- 'Well, I was
getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady
here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and
defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the
car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed
and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for
three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and
warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the
ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid
you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in
moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a
shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes
were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then,
as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that
you have had for a few years, but don't use because you
say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that
was your anniversary present, which you don't use
because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy
blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
use just to annoy her. - 'She was so
grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her
to the door, she turned to m e with tears in her eyes and
said, Please .. Do you have anything else that
your wife doesn't use?'

A guy was in the supermarket and as he reached the checkout, he remembered he had forgotten to buy some condoms, so he asked the checkout chick. "What size do you want?" she asked.

"Hmm, not sure", so she unzipped him and had a good grab, and then said over the microphone "Packet of large condoms to checkout 6 please"

The young schoolkid next in the queue was pretty impressed by all this, so when it was his turn he also asked the checkout chick for some condoms.

She unzipped him and had a good grab and then said over the microphone "Bucket and mop to checkout 6 please!"

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a
restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he
sat down and looked over the menu...

+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price
difference for the Politicians?'
The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so
full of s@#$, it takes all morning.

Three Sick Men

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet
twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES YES,
I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I
don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men, are men.

Three women die together in an accident

and go to heaven

When they get there, St. Peter says
'We only have one rule here in heaven,
don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough
there are ducks all over the place
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck
and although they try their best to avoid them
the first woman accidentally steps on one
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw
St. Peter chains them together and says
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day
the second woman steps accidentally on a duck
and along comes St. Peter
who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man
He chains them together
with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and
not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very
VERY careful where she steps
She manages to go months
without stepping on any ducks
but
one day St.Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word

The happy woman says
'I wonder what I did to deserve being
chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,'I don't know about you lady,
but I stepped on a
duck.'

A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final
plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If
she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own
nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone -a- Friend Lifeline.

The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ....Her friend was, well-- blond.



She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blond responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the
cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
employing a reverse strategy and giving Meridith any answer except the one
that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blond,
that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had
responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

'I need an answer,' said Meredith.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

Two minutes later, Meredith said, 'That answer is. Absolutely correct! You
are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends,
including the blond who had helped her win the million dollars.

'Stephanie, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blond...'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
nests. They live in clocks.'