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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #316
    drg84's Avatar
    drg84 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Been a while since i posted, so heres one for you. Streets sent it to me.

    A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a
    >party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited
    >Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the
    >pool in the backyard of his mansion.
    >
    >Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp,
    >oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
    >
    >At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft
    >man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who
    >has the nerve to jump in."
    >
    >The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
    >and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
    >
    >Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was
    >jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head
    >butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator
    >through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
    >
    >The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and
    >the gator were screaming and raising hell.
    >
    >Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like
    >a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
    >
    >Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
    >
    >Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million
    >dollars."
    >
    >"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
    >
    >The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
    >bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
    >
    >"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
    >
    >The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That
    >was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
    >
    >Again Leroy said no.
    >
    >Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you
    >want?"
    >
    >Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the
    >pool."
    Right engine, Wrong Wheels

  2. #317
    john gemmer's Avatar
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    Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is lying in bed reading.
    >
    Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache!"
    >
    Wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."
    >
    Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
    drive it like ya stole it

  3. #318
    R Pope is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Sam comes out of the woods after six months, and walks into a small bar in the isolated town. "any women in this town?" he asks the barkeep.
    "No, but there's Joe," the guy says.
    "Sorry, I'm not that way."says Sam, and goes back to the woods.
    Six months later, he comes out to the same town. "Any women in town yet?"
    "No, but there's still Joe," says the barman.
    Sam says, "If I go with this Joe guy, how many people have to know about it?"
    Barkeep rubs his chin thoughtfully. "Five," he says.
    "Five! How come so many?" says Sam.
    "Well, there's you, and there's me, and of course there's Joe. And there's the two guys who hold Joe, 'cause he ain't that way either!"

  4. #319
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    The Camel

     



    A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

    The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post, and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."

    The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

    About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges.
    Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

    When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?",

    "No, not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

  5. #320
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    The Story

     



    Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and
    go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car, and saw Daddy and Aunt
    Diana in a passionate embrace.Little


    Johnny found this so exciting that he could barely contain himself as he
    ran home and started to tell his mother.

    Mommy," Little Johnny exclaimed, "I was at the playground and I saw
    Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Diana. I went back to look and
    he was giving Aunt Diana a big kiss, then he helped her take off her
    shirt. Then Aunt Diana helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
    Diana...

    At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
    INTERESTING story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.
    I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell him tonight.
    At the dinner table, Mommy asked Little Johnny to tell Daddy his story.
    Mommy listened closely as Little Johnny started telling his story about
    how "he saw the car go into the woods...., then watched Aunt Diana get
    undressed..., and then Aunt Diana laid down on the back seat...and then
    Aunt Diana and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle
    Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army!!!"


    Moral: Listen to the whole story before you interrupt someone

  6. #321
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    Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

    The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"

    She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

    The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

    She replied, "No, not yet, Father.

    "The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."

    She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.

    Some years later they met again.

    The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

    She replied, "Oh , very well, Father!"

    The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

    She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

    The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"

    She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer f****n' candle."

  7. #322
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    A man and wife go to bed -

    He decides to read a bit before he goes to sleep so he has his book and the light on, on his side of the bed -

    She is pretty tired so just lays down and closes her eyes..

    A few minutes later she feels her husband's hand rubbing between her thighs and working his hand to her vagina =

    He massages her with his fingers and she thinks, maybe if I don't move he will think I'm asleep and won't want to pursue the matter any further

    She lies still and after a few seconds He stops and removes his hand

    Just as she starts to doze off her husband's hand is back rubbing her again

    She doesn't move a muscle and he removes his hand again

    Again, she starts to doze off and sure enough the sme thing happens again and she finally figures she won't get any sleep until he gets his way

    She gets up out of bed and starts to take her nightgown off and her husband asks, "What are you doing?"

    She replies. "If your going to keep doing that we might as well have sex and get it over with"

    The husband looks at her and says "I don't want sex, I'm just wetting my fingers so I can turn the pages".....
    drive it like ya stole it

  8. #323
    john gemmer's Avatar
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    another funny

     



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    drive it like ya stole it

  9. #324
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    After a rough approach through heavy rain and turbulence, the airplane bounces a few times then finally stays down. Using maximum reverse and with antiskid working hard, the airliner finally slows down enough to turn off at the end.

    The Captain addresses the passengers over the PA: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to London Heathrow. We'll be taxiing for the next few minutes so please remain seated with your seatbelts fastened. Thanks for flying XYZ airlines...... pause.... man, after that I sure could use a cold beer and a bl*w j*b"

    The flight attendant rushes down the aisle to tell the crew that they've got a hot PA. As she rushes past a passenger calls out...

    "don't forget the beer!"

  10. #325
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A guy goes into the bar and walks up to the bartender "Bartender I just want to sit in that corner over there drink one beer and leave, and I don't want anybody to bother me".
    "Why would anybody bother you?"
    "Because I'm gay"
    "Go ahead and drink your beer, nobody will bother you"

    The next day
    Gay walks in the bar with another man and says to the bartender "This here is my cousin, he's gay too. We'll just have one beer and don't want to be bothered"
    "Go ahead and drink, nobody will bother you"

    Third day
    Gay walks in with the same story, but this time it was his brother who was also guy.

    Fourth day gay walks in with yet another gay and says to the bartender "This here is my father and his gay too...."
    "Hold it danmed, yelled the bartender, doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
    "Well yes my sister, but doesn't drink beer"

  11. #326
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    just trying to keep this alive

     



    .38 Revolver

    An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated Smith & Wesson .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

    "But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. "

    "You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino."

    "Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What do you do than? Point to your watch and say TIMES UP?"

  12. #327
    29Street-Rod's Avatar
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    Hmmmmm, wonder if this could be true???
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    The Zoo Keeper
    http://www.MyAutoZoo.com

  13. #328
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A frog phones the psychic hotline and is told: "You're going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you, who will get totally involved with you."
    "That's great!" says the frog, "will I meet her at a party or what?"
    "No, " says the psychic, "you'll meet in her biology class next term."
    johnboy
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    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

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  14. #329
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    Subject: Four Catholic Ladies

    Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

    The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

    The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

    The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. When he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

    The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

    The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"

    She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2, hard bodied, well hung, male stripper."

    Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."

  15. #330
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    repost maybe

     



    Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

    From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

    The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

    Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

    The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

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