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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #316
    Oldf100fordman's Avatar
    Oldf100fordman is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Originally posted by Nineftfreak
    that is one hell of a christmas display.
    Yes it is. I saw a piece on it on the news on the 23rd of December. The guy has a room full of crossovers and computer equipment to run it and the music is played over a local FM Stereo station. They said you pull up in front of the house and turn on the radio and enjoy. The guy has it programed to many different songs. I forgot where the city is that it is in though. Dang memory.
    Duane S
    ____________________________________
    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

  2. #317
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.




    Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.



    Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

    Boy: "Dark in here."

    Man: "Yes it is."
    Boy: "I have a baseball."
    Man: "That's nice."
    Boy: "Want to buy it?"
    Man: "No, thanks."
    Boy: "My dad's outside."
    Man: "OK, how much?"
    Boy: "$250."



    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

    Boy: "Dark in here."
    Man: "Yes, it is."
    Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
    Man: "How much?"
    Boy: "$750."
    Man: "Fine."



    A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
    The boy says, "I can't, sold them."

    The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

    The son says, "$1,000."

    The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
    They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.



    The boy says, "Dark! in here."

    The priest says, "Don't start that again."
    __________________

  3. #318
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A C-130 was en route on a mission when a cocky F-16 fighter pilot flew up next to him.

    The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" He went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep climb, then finished with a sonic boom when he reached the speed of sound.

    The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought.

    The C-130 pilot responded "that was impressive, but watch this."

    The C-130 droned along for about 15 minutes then the 130 pilot came back

    On and said "What did you think of that?"

    The 16 pilot asked, "what did you do?"

    The C-130 pilot responded "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back poured a cup of coffee, had a sandwich and took a pee." Any questions ??
    hank

  4. #319
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    Redneck wood splitting

     



    Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
    "Yes. What can I do for you?"
    "I'm calling to report my neighbor,
    Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in
    his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"
    "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

    The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies
    descend on Virgil's house.
    They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
    Using axes, they split every piece of wood,
    but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

    The phone rings at Virgil's house.
    "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd.
    Did the Sheriff come?"
    "Yeah!"
    "Did they split yer farwood?"
    "Yep!"
    "Happy Birthday, buddy!"

    (Who says rednecks aren't real bright!)
    Duane S
    ____________________________________
    On a quiet night you can hear a Chevy rust

  5. #320
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

    "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

    He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

    "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

    The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

    "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

    "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.

    "How did you know?"

    "You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

  6. #321
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    Originally posted by DennyW
    Bricklayer's Accident Report ~

    Possibly the funniest story in a while. This is a bricklayer's accident
    report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....


    Dear Sir:
    I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
    Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
    of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
    following details will be sufficient.

    I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
    alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

    Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
    out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
    holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

    You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs.
    Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
    presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.

    This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar
    bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

    Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

    At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
    ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

    As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
    building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
    accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
    lacerations of my legs and lower body.

    Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
    seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

    I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain
    unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

    I hope this answers your inquiry.


    Bill Fuller
    Mike
    check my home page out!!!
    http://hometown.aol.com/kanhandco2/index.html




  7. #322
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A farmer went to town to buy some goods. He stopped at the hardware store and bought a pail and a hammer.

    He then went to the market and bought a live goose and 2 chickens. He didn't know how to carry everything but the shopkeeper suggested "put the goose in the pail the hammer in one hand and hold each chicken under you arms.

    He did this and started to walk home. Soon he saw a beautiful young lass with huge tits bulging out of a low cut dress. She looked lost.

    He asked "Lassy can I help you, you look lost?" She replied, "I am, I'm looking for my Uncle Mr. Simms. The farmer said, "Why he's my neighbor, follow me there."

    So off they went, he was getting tired so he suggested a short cut through an alley. "Why sir, how do I know that you will not force me against the wall and take me once we are alone in the alley?"

    "Now how can I do that? Don't you see the goose, the hammer and chickens I carry?" he said. She replied "...well you can put the goose on the ground, the pail over the goose, place the hammer on the pail and I'll hold the chickens!"

  8. #323
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    There's this bloke drinking in a bar twenty stories up. Suddenly he opens the window, steps out, gently floats down to the pavement, walks back inside, gets in the lift, and returns to the bar.
    All the other patrons are absolutely gob-smacked.
    Half an hour later he does it again --- opens the window, steps out, gently floats down to the pavement, walks back inside, gets in the lift, and returns again to the bar.
    One of the other drinkers comes up to him and says;"Excuse me, but I couldn't help but notice you, --- how did you do that?"
    "Oh it's easy," said the first bloke, "simple physics. You drink beer, beer's cold and full of gas, the gas expands as it warms in your stomach, you become much lighter, and so you just float down to earth. It's fun. Try it."
    So the second bloke did.
    Opened the window, stepped out .....
    SPLAT!!! on the pavement twenty floors down.
    The barman looked at the first bloke, shook his head, and said; "You know, you can be a real s##t when you've been drinking Superman"

    johnboy
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  9. #324
    lt1s10's Avatar
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    Originally posted by johnboy
    There's this bloke drinking in a bar twenty stories up. Suddenly he opens the window, steps out, gently floats down to the pavement, walks back inside, gets in the lift, and returns to the bar.
    All the other patrons are absolutely gob-smacked.
    Half an hour later he does it again --- opens the window, steps out, gently floats down to the pavement, walks back inside, gets in the lift, and returns again to the bar.
    One of the other drinkers comes up to him and says;"Excuse me, but I couldn't help but notice you, --- how did you do that?"
    "Oh it's easy," said the first bloke, "simple physics. You drink beer, beer's cold and full of gas, the gas expands as it warms in your stomach, you become much lighter, and so you just float down to earth. It's fun. Try it."
    So the second bloke did.
    Opened the window, stepped out .....
    SPLAT!!! on the pavement twenty floors down.
    The barman looked at the first bloke, shook his head, and said; "You know, you can be a real s##t when you've been drinking Superman"

    johnboy
    johnboy,did you get your name from the "waltons mountains tv show"?
    Mike
    check my home page out!!!
    http://hometown.aol.com/kanhandco2/index.html




  10. #325
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Nothing much escapes your notice does it?
    My mummy and daddy named me "John" nearly sixty years ago, I went farming and bought a place on the slopes of Mt Egmont. Then that damned "Waltons" programme came on TV and I've been "johnboy" ever since. And yes, you can say "Good-night johnboy," you won't be the first, and I doubt you'll be the last.

    johnboy
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  11. #326
    lt1s10's Avatar
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    Originally posted by johnboy
    Nothing much escapes your notice does it?
    My mummy and daddy named me "John" nearly sixty years ago, I went farming and bought a place on the slopes of Mt Egmont. Then that damned "Waltons" programme came on TV and I've been "johnboy" ever since. And yes, you can say "Good-night johnboy," you won't be the first, and I doubt you'll be the last.

    johnboy
    No, I live outside of Lynchburg, Va. on "Chandlers Mountain," which is about 3 hollers over from "Waltons Mountain." Nice part of the country.
    http://www.waltonmuseum.org/

    I forgot to say "Good-night johnboy,"
    Last edited by lt1s10; 01-10-2006 at 04:31 PM.
    Mike
    check my home page out!!!
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  12. #327
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Originally posted by lt1s10
    No, I live outside of Lynchburg, Va. on "Chandlers Mountain," which is about 3 hollers over from "Waltons Mountain." Nice part of the country.
    http://www.waltonmuseum.org/

    I forgot to say "Good-night johnboy,"
    WELL!!!! Look at that! To say I'm gob-smacked would be an understatement.
    I just thought you were being facetious, I didn't realise the Waltons are still that popular, man, there's even a fan club!
    (Wanders around in a circle, shaking head and looking bemused.)
    I looked through their merchandise, but unfortunately they don't have anything labelled "johnboy," I would've loved a hat or something.
    I just didn't realise........I thought you would have to be an old fella to know who they were.
    I just didn't realise...........
    Many, many thanks for that.
    Goodnight lt1s10.

    johnboy
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  13. #328
    lt1s10's Avatar
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    Originally posted by johnboy
    WELL!!!! Look at that! To say I'm gob-smacked would be an understatement.
    I just thought you were being facetious, I didn't realise the Waltons are still that popular, man, there's even a fan club!
    (Wanders around in a circle, shaking head and looking bemused.)
    I looked through their merchandise, but unfortunately they don't have anything labelled "johnboy," I would've loved a hat or something.
    I just didn't realise........I thought you would have to be an old fella to know who they were.
    I just didn't realise...........
    Many, many thanks for that.
    Goodnight lt1s10.

    johnboy
    i am old i'll see if i can find you a hat. good nite Johnboy!
    Mike
    check my home page out!!!
    http://hometown.aol.com/kanhandco2/index.html




  14. #329
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    i can get you a BOW TIE !!!!
    Mike
    check my home page out!!!
    http://hometown.aol.com/kanhandco2/index.html




  15. #330
    lt1s10's Avatar
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    Last edited by lt1s10; 01-11-2006 at 07:46 AM.
    Mike
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