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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #1786
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    ford2custom is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT: the little girl who said, "If George Washington was such an honest man, why do they close all the banks on his birthday?"

    Richard

  2. #1787
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    A man went to Florida for his health, but unfortunately, died there.
    His body was shipped back to New York, and as the widow was viewing the remains at the funeral parlor, a friend remarked, "Doesn't he look wonderful?" "Yes, replied the widow. "I think those two weeks in Florida did him a world of good."

    Richard

  3. #1788
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    Flying Tip

     



    What to do on an airplane when you find yourself seated next to a real jerk:

    1. Take out your laptop.
    2. Slowly open your laptop.
    3. Turn it on.
    4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.
    5. Open your internet browser.
    6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look up to the sky, or the heavens if you will.
    7. Breathe deeply and open the site

    (http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html)
    8. Look at the expression on your neighbor's face

    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  4. #1789
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    Q. What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?

    A. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

  5. #1790
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    MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

    A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

    'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

    Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

    After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
    *******************************
    MALE PROCEDURE:
    1. Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Put down your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Put window up.
    7. Drive off.
    *******************************
    FEMALE PROCEDURE:
    (What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)
    1. Drive up to cash machine.
    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
    3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
    4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
    5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
    6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
    7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
    8. Insert card.
    9. Re-insert card the right way.
    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
    11. Enter PIN.
    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
    13. Enter amount of cash required.
    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
    16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
    17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
    18. Re-check makeup.
    19. Drive forward 2 feet.
    20. Reverse back to cash machine.
    21. Retrieve card.
    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
    23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
    24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
    25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
    26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
    27. Release Parking Brake.
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  6. #1791
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    This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of us who know seniors, and to all of us who will become seniors. It pays to be able to laugh.



    r

    "WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

    "Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY
    ".

    There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, sh*t, so that's why no one was at church today."












    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  7. #1792
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes

    This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
    Blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.
    So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really
    are smart.

    While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
    paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
    husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

    Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell
    of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
    floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
    parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
    her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and
    she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde
    women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

    He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
    replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...

    You'll love this...

    I know you will...


    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    "FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  8. #1793
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The
    doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
    consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge
    pile-up on the freeway.



    "You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your
    penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."



    The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in
    insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build
    a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly
    $1000 an inch."



    The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide
    how many inches you want. But this is something you should
    discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a
    nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine
    incher before and you decide to only Invest in a five incher now,
    she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays
    a role in helping you make a decision."



    The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.



    The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with
    your wife?"



    "Yes I have," says the man.



    "And has she helped you make a decision?"



    "Yes" says the man.



    "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.



    "We're getting granite countertops."

  9. #1794
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    As You Slide Down the Banister of Life .....remember ......





    1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have writtenan impressive new book. It's called ........'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'


    2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drinkand be Mary.

    3. The difference between the Pope andyour boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.


    4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.

    5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.


    6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

    7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

    8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

    9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
    11. Definition of a teenager?God's punishment . . . For enjoying sex.



    12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way...
    Be who you are and say what you feel!
    Because those that matter... don't mind!
    And those that mind...don't matter!
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  10. #1795
    fitzwilly's Avatar
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 59 FORD FAIRLANE 500 GALAXIE
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    Dilbert Quotes

     



    A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top quotes in corporate America.

    "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
    (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA )


    "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
    ( Lykes Lines-Shipping)


    "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
    (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)


    "This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
    (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)


    "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
    (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)


    "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
    (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)


    Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
    (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)


    My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. "That would be better for me," he said.
    (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

    "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
    (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

  11. #1796
    fitzwilly's Avatar
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    Lenten Meals

     



    .

    Eino, a Finlander from northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

    Now, all of Eino's neighbors were Catholic.....and since it was Lent, they were prohibited from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

    The priest came to visit Eino, and suggested that Eino convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Eino attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Eino, he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic."

    Eino's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Eino's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Eino, he stopped in amazement and watched......

    There stood Eino, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye!"

    .

  12. #1797
    IC2
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    Menopause Jewelry (from my wiffy!!!)


    My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

    We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

    When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.



    Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  13. #1798
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    FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

    For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

    When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States or Canada. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  14. #1799
    1gary is offline Banned Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Santa's Off Season..........

     




  15. #1800
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    Why There's No Job's

     



    Bruce started the day early having set his alarm clock
    (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 am
    While his coffeepot
    (MADE IN CHINA)
    Was perking, he shaved with his Electric razor
    (MADE IN HONG KONG)
    He put on a dress shirt
    (MADE IN SRILANKA),
    Designer jeans
    (MADE IN SINGAPORE)
    And tennis shoes
    (MADE IN KOREA)
    After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet
    (MADE IN INDIA)
    He sat down with his calculator
    (MADE IN MEXICO)
    To see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch
    (MADE IN TAIWAN)
    To the radio
    (MADE IN INDIA)
    He got in his car
    (MADE IN GERMANY)
    Filled it with GAS,
    (From Saudi Arabia)
    and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer
    (made in MALAYSIA),
    John decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals
    (MADE IN BRAZIL),
    Poured himself a glass of wine
    (MADE IN FRANCE)
    And turned on his TV
    (MADE IN INDONESIA)
    And then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in America. And now he's hoping he can get help from his ”President”
    (MADE IN KENYA)
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

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