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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #2566
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
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    SCOTTISH COMPASSION

    A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
    He had no arms and no legs.

    Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

    The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
    The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
    The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
    The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
    The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been f****d laddie?"
    The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

    She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."
    Rrumbler likes this.

  2. #2567
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    The Blue pigeons:

    The Mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre. He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean.


    One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. 'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city.. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me one million pounds to ask one question.'


    The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition. The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue London sky.


    All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.
    The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column.

    The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a cheque for 1 million pounds and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question. The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE Question.

    The mayor asked:


    'Do you have a blue Muslim ??

  3. #2568
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    Paddy goes to a florist:

    Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says,

    "I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend".

    The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"

    "A f**k ", Paddy replies.

  4. #2569
    MelloYello's Avatar
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    My apologies to my Canuck friends. NOOOOTTTT
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  5. #2570
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    What's it say..??..?? to small to read.

  6. #2571
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    Not only am I staying, meet my new chief of staff///////Wow two men and a half man is back BABY
    Get some glasses
    Charlie
    Lovin' what I do and doing what I love
    Some guys can fix broken NO ONE can fix STUPID
    W8AMR
    http://fishertrains94.webs.com/
    Christian in training

  7. #2572
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    Quote Originally Posted by 34_40 View Post
    What's it say..??..?? to small to read.
    Rob Ford is saying:
    "Not only am I staying, meet my new Chief of Staff!"
    Turd Butt is saying:
    "Whew, two and a half men is back, baby!"
    Is this font too small for you Mikey????

    lamin8r likes this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  8. #2573
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
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    The new Royal Baby, George, has already done three of the things on my bucket list.

    1. Became a billionaire

    2. Met the Queen

    3. Sucked Kate Middletons' Tits

  9. #2574
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    It loses something in the translation!

    HAHAHAHA ROFL>....
    MelloYello likes this.

  10. #2575
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    I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me..............


    My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.


    It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me.


    I gave her a loving smile and said,



    "Get that trolley over here love. They're doing 3 cartons of Beer, for the price of 2."

  11. #2576
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    Here's a couple . . .

    Why do men want to marry virgins?
    They can't stand criticism

    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Breasts don't have eyes

    Why is air a lot like sex?
    It's no big deal unless you're not getting any

    What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
    Doughnuts

    What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
    A Northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time..."
    A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

    What is a Yankee?
    The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone

    What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
    The position of the dirt bag

    What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
    Juan on Juan

    What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
    Male fraud

    What is the one thing that unites all Americans, regardless of gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background?
    Deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers

    Light travels faster than sound
    This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

    How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
    One of his fingers is clean

    What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
    Vagitarian

    What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
    Klondike

    What do you call a pimp who doesn't like blow jobs?
    A headless whoresman

    What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
    Brothel sprouts

    A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
    The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

    Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
    Both crews were marooned

    Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?
    It comes with all of Ken's stuff

    "Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!"
    "Sit down and I'll deal with you later."

    "Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a bridge!"
    "What's come over you?"

    "Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!"
    "Pull yourself together!"

    Why did Santa's little helper feel depressed?
    He had low elf esteem

    What's considered bi-sexual in Alabama?
    Someone who likes sheep and goats

    How do you piss off a female archeologist?
    Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from

    Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Montgomery, Alabama burned down?
    Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

    Why does O. J. Simpson want to move to Alabama?
    Everyone has the same DNA

    How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    One... men will screw anything

    How are men and parking spots alike?
    The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

    What is the main reason Santa is so jolly?
    He knows where all the bad girls live

    What does Kenny G say when he walks into an elevator?
    "This place rocks!"

    What do JFK Jr. and a penguin have in common?
    They're both kinda cute, but neither one can fly

    What's the difference between Elvis and JFK Jr.?
    Elvis was bloated BEFORE he died

    Why didn't JFK Jr. shower before the plane flight?
    He figured he would wash up on shore

    Why didn't the wedding guests at Hyannisport want JFK Jr. to show up?
    He was a complete wreck

    What do JFK Jr. and Monica Lewinsky have in common?
    Both go down easily

    What's the new Kennedy documentary called?
    Three Funerals and A Wedding

    Kyle & Stan of South Park:
    "OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNEDY! YOU BASTARD!"

    What did JFK Jr. say when he reached the pearly gates?
    I hope I don't have to take an entrance exam

    What was the last thing Kurt Cobain said to Courtney Love?
    "Hole is gonna be really big!"

    What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
    Polaroids

    What do you get when cross a godfather with a lawyer?
    An offer you can't understand

    Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
    They need a map

    Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the coin toss?
    He elected to receive

    What is Iraq's national bird?
    Duck

    How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
    Both look out their windows and see rubble

    Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
    So they can see their Air Force

    Why is it twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
    You only have to teach them to take off

    What is the best Iraqi job?
    Foreign Ambassador

    What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
    A microwave stops when you open the door

    What do people do with broken down cars in West Virginia?
    Build a house next to them

    What do tornadoes, hurricanes and redneck divorces have in common?
    Someone's fixin' to lose a trailer home

    Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
    It saves time in the long run

    Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
    Because of his coffin

    What was the witches' favorite subject in school?
    Spelling

    Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
    He didn't have the guts

    Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
    Because demons are a ghoul's best friend

    What does the incestuous hillbilly family do on Halloween?
    Pump kin

    Did you hear that Louise Woodward has joined the Spice Girls?
    The first thing she did was drop Baby Spice

    Did you hear that Louise Woodward found religion in jail?
    She's going to become a Shaker

    What's the difference between a paint mixer and a British au pair?
    No one leaves children in the care of a paint mixer

    What's the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods?
    Tiger Woods has a reliable driver

    What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Ford?
    Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Ford

    What were Princess Di's last words?
    "Is that all this cars got?"

    What do Pink Floyd and Diana have in common?
    They both had a hit with the wall

    Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?
    Because he's the only queen who gives a ----

    What would you call Di if she married Fayed?
    Princess Di-ed

    Why doesn't Di like the French Press?
    They drive her up the wall

    When a man talks nasty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
    $3.99 a minute

    Chinese couple's in bed. Husband says, "I want a sixty-nine."
    His wife says, "You want beef and broccoli now?"

    When did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood and not a real boy?
    The day his hand caught on fire

    What would you call a musician who doesn't have a girlfriend?
    Homeless

    What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
    Wipes his ass

    What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
    45 lbs.

    What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    45 minutes

    How are women and rocks alike?
    You skip the flat ones

    How can you tell if your wife is dead?
    The sex is the same but the dishes pile up

    How can you tell if your husband is dead?
    The sex is the same, but you get the remote

    What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?
    Men always miss them

    Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
    It changes your blood type

    What do you call 1,000 armed lesbians?
    Militia Etheridge

    What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
    A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball

    Why are hurricanes named after women?
    They're wet and wild when they come and take your house when they leave

    What's the difference between John Denver and the stock market?
    People would cry if the stock market crashed

    Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
    No phone numbers

    Guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.
    Bartender says, "All right, I'll let ya stay---but don't start nuthin."

    What did Raggedy Ann say to Pinocchio as she was sitting on his face?
    "Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!

    What did the man with five penises say?
    "These pants fit like a glove"

    What goes click-click-click..."Did I get it?"
    Ray Charles doing Rubik's Cube

    What's brown and hides in the attic?
    The Diarrhea Of Anne Frank

    When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did -- in his sleep.
    Not screaming like the passengers in his car

    How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
    It's not hard

    How can you pick out Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?
    He's the one with sesame seed buns

    Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
    He decided to stick it out for one more year

    A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it.
    The thief was spending less than his wife did

    Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer?
    He studied all year for the bra exam

    What about the dyslexic pimp?
    He bought a warehouse

    Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in the park?
    One was a salted

    What has orange hair, big feet, and comes out of a test tube?
    Bozo the clone

    Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
    They taste funny

    Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?
    He wanted to go where no man had ever gone before

    What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?
    The captain's log

    Couple's in the living room. He says, "You're dry tonight." She says, "You're licking the rug."

    What is the difference between a supermarket shopping bag and Michael Jackson?
    One is made of plastic and is very dangerous to children; the other holds groceries

    What does it mean when the flag at the post office is flying at half mast?
    They're hiring

    How do you get 99 old ladies to say "f***" at the same time?
    Yell "Bingo!"
    1GH likes this.

  12. #2577
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    Confucius Says...

    "Man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key"
    "Man who fart in church must sit in own pew"
    "Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"
    "Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly"
    "Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone"
    "Man who stand in front of car get tired."
    "Man who stand behind car get exhausted."
    "Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"
    "Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
    "Man who buy many prunes get good run for money"
    "Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk"
    "Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth"
    "War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left."
    "Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse"
    "It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it"
    "Man who drive like hell bound to get there"
    "Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs"
    "Man who masturbate into cash register soon come into money"
    "Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time"
    "Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam"
    "Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night"
    "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot"

  13. #2578
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    I was in a bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish so I approached and asked, "Hello, ladies are you three lassies from Scotland?"

    One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, you bloody idiot, Wales!"

    So I apologized and replied, "I am sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

    And that's the last thing I remember.....
    Rrumbler, 34_40, lamin8r and 2 others like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  14. #2579
    Mudduck3's Avatar
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    A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

  15. #2580
    Mudduck3's Avatar
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    Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you,"!!
    lamin8r likes this.

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