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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #1741
    fitzwilly's Avatar
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    Women 101

     



    Words Women Use


    FINE
    This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right
    about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks.
    This will cause you to have one of those arguments.


    FIVE MINUTES
    This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
    football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that
    it's an even trade.


    NOTHING
    This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
    used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
    upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that
    will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."


    GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
    This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing"
    and will end with the word "Fine."


    GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
    This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will
    get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
    and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.


    LOUD SIGH
    This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very
    misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
    that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
    arguing with you over "Nothing."


    SOFT SIGH
    Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few
    things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is
    to not move or breathe and she will stay content.


    THAT'S OKAY
    This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
    "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you
    retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often
    used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go
    Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned,
    you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.


    PLEASE DO
    This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
    come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
    that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful
    and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."


    THANKS
    A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.


    THANKS A LOT
    This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when
    she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some
    callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask
    what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

  2. #1742
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    Hockey, anyone?

     



    A man watching a hockey game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.
    "I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.
    "For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said.
    "You already know how to play Hockey!"

  3. #1743
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    "EMAIL WARNING"

    If you should get an email with the subject title "Nude Photos of Nancy Pelosi"

    DO NOT OPEN IT - - because there are actually Nude Photos of Nancy Pelosi in the email !

    Several Red Blooded American Men have already been scarred for Life and are in rehab awaiting a cure !
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  4. #1744
    Larry M's Avatar
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    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN



    A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.



    The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
    voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike
    running shoes and a sign around her neck.



    She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The
    sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'



    Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing
    and puffing, he finally gives up..



    The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.



    On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10
    lbs. as promised.



    He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.



    The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
    beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing
    but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you
    catch me you can have me'.



    Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
    shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the
    same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.



    Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
    that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and
    calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program



    'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most
    rigorous program.'



    'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'



    The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a
    huge muscular

    guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around
    his neck

    that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'



    He lost 63 pounds that week.
    Every Day I Wake Up Above Ground Is a Good Day!!

  5. #1745
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    Canada and usa in trouble !!!

     



    This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action against Iraq and Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's and Canada 's supply of convenience store managers.

    And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Visa, Bell and Rogers customer service reps.

    It's getting ugly folks.

  6. #1746
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    Quote Originally Posted by fitzwilly View Post
    This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action against Iraq and Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's and Canada 's supply of convenience store managers.

    And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Visa, Bell and Rogers customer service reps.

    It's getting ugly folks.
    Will they include us in the southern hemisphere,too??will they?huh?huh?huh??
    Micah 6:8

    If we aren't supposed to have midnight snacks,,,WHY is there a light in the refrigerator???

    Robin.

  7. #1747
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    One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

    His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

    The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out..
    'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'


    She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !

    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  8. #1748
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    ouch !!!!!
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  9. #1749
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    An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.

    She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband
    with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

    The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

    While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her host to say,
    'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years , you still call your husband all those loving pet names'.

    The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind
    about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bastard what his name is.'

    (source: stolen from Bad Rat)
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  10. #1750
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    Cool Shark Bait

     



    Shark teaching son.

    A father shark teaches his kid how to hunt people:

    "When you see a human, approach him from about 30',
    make sure he sees you, then swim a couple of circles around him.
    Then get closer to about 10', and again, swim a few circles around him.
    Then you come really close to him, even touch him,
    wait one minute and then, eat him."

    "But why can't I just go in for the kill and eat him?" asks the little shark.

    "You can do that if you don't mind it tasting a little like s**t."

  11. #1751
    DeepRoots is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    dunno if this one has been said:

    a blond pulls her older car into the mechanics shop.
    She explains the car has been sputtering and not running smoothly.
    the mechanics tells her to go sit in the waiting room and check back with him in a little while.
    she walks back to him 20 minutes later:
    blond: "So what seems to be the deal?"
    Mechanic: "Ahh just crap in the carburetor"





    blond: "Ok..... how often should I do that?"

  12. #1752
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    That makes scents!

     



    A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her
    husband's birthday. She doesn't know which one to
    get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

    A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing sunglasses.
    "Excuse me, sir," She says. "Can you tell me anything about this rod
    and reel?"

    "Ma'am," He says, "I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the
    counter, I can tell you everything you need to know from the sound it
    makes."

    She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

    He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
    and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination
    and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

    "That's amazing!" she says. "You can tell all that just by the sound of it
    dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens
    her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

    "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

    She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really
    embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind
    clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he
    wouldn't know that she was the only person
    around.

    The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50
    please."

    The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the
    rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get
    $34.50?"

    "Yes, Ma'am," he replies. "The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is
    $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is another $3.50."

  13. #1753
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    Lucky Dogs!

     



    This morning I went to sign my Dogs up for welfare.

    At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare".

    So I explained to her that my Dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy,

    can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddys are.

    They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical

    care, and feel guilty because they are dogs.

    So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

    My Dogs get their first checks Friday.

    Damn. Is this a great country or what!

  14. #1754
    Larry M's Avatar
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    Exquisite British humor!!

     



    Exquisite British humor!!

    The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. marine walked the entire
    length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a
    well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
    The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

    The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
    'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

    The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left
    was under that dog.

    'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired..'

    She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

    This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the
    little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

    The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American
    should be put in his place!'

    An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans
    seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

    You hold the fork in the wrong hand..

    You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

    And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
    Every Day I Wake Up Above Ground Is a Good Day!!

  15. #1755
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    Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

    When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

    One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

    "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

    Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

    Women are so much better at financial planning than men.


    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

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