Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It's all organized by the Swiss.


Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack.

I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'

He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo...'

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care because I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said...


*'Obama '08.'*



I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important to my health..

Turn on the light Michelle !!!

Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best -- because it makes
football make sense!


A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great
seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she
liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the
big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other
over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game,
all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm
like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

These are alleged to be actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that
were taken off their car videos.


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went
through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed
of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( NationalCrime
InformationCenter )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed
to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."

Welfare Check

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to
satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK:

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it 'Barack Obama.'

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of "Barack Obama'?"

6. Firmly click 'Yes.'

7. Feel better?

GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi.

Another one !

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers and voted for Obama."

NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!



A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.



She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop ! Stop ! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said . . . . . .

"Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!"

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Parliament said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night
watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Parliament said, "How does
the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning
department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one
person to do time studies. Then Parliament said, "How will we know the night
watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One was to do
the studies and one was to write the reports. Then Parliament said, "How are these
people going to get paid?" So they created two positions: a time keeper and a
payroll officer then hired two people. Then Parliament said, "Who will be
accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section
and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Parliament said, "We have had this scrap yard in operation for one year and we
are $918,000 over budget, we must cut back." So they laid-off the night watchman.

.

Marriage Counseling

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went in for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved, and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as the husband watched ... with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up, and quietly sat down as

though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband replied, " Well ... I can drop her off here on Mondays, and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

..

A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.

Having watched what happened, a bystander said, "Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"

"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt."