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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #1741
    HOSS429's Avatar
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    dont jump to conclusions to quickly

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    one of my neighbors was unsucessful at concieving a child so they decided to use a surrogate father to start a family.. on the day the proxy father was to show a traveling baby picture taker happened by .. good morning Ma`am he said '' i`m here to " before he could finish his intro she whisked him inside and said " iv`e been expecting you " have you really said the photographer... well good ... did you know babies were my speciality ?... well thats what my husband and i are counting on " she said ... after a tense moment she asked " well where do we start " he said " i usually try a couple in the bath tub.. one on the couch ... then a few on the bed... and the floor is a good place also.. you can really spread out there .. .. bathroom ? floor ? tub? .. she said " no wonder it didnt work for us " well ma`am he said .. i cant guarantee a good shot every time so i have to go at it from many different angles.. most of us would like to be in and out in five minutes he said but i know you`d be dissapointed with the results ... dont i know she said.. but first let me show you some of my work he said... he pulled out several baby pics and said '' this first one was done on top of a bus... " oh my ! " she said... and these twins turned out really nice considering how difficult the mother was to work with he said.... difficult how do you mean she ask ? .. well said the picture taker... i had to take her to the park to please her ... people were standing all around and watching and the mother was yelling and squealing so i could hardly concentrate.. then darkness began to fall and i had to rush my shots.. but when the squirrels began nibbling at my equipment i told the mother i was done ... my neighbor said " squirrels chewed on your "um" equipment ?.. yes he said ... but if you`re ready i will set up my tripod to rest my Canon on .. it`s much to big to hold in my hands for very long... when my neighor heard that she fainted !!
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  2. #1742
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    AKRON, OH—Area resident Helen Crandall, 44, was arrested by Akron police Sunday, charged with conducting an elaborate "sex-for-security" scam in which she allegedly defrauded husband Russell Crandall out of nearly $230,000 in cash, food, clothing and housing over the past 19 years using periodic offers of sexual intercourse.

    Enlarge Image Housewife Charged In Sex-For-Security Scam

    A 1993 photo of alleged "sex-for-security" scam artist Helen Crandall. Police suspect the groceries she is holding were paid for by her victim, husband David Crandall (right).

    "It's the biggest scam of its kind I've ever seen," Akron police chief Thomas Agee said. "We're talking coats, dishwashers, jewelry, sewing machines, bathroom cleansers—you name it."

    According to Agee, undercover agents spotted Crandall's husband handing her $50 in cash at approximately 4 p.m., just 30 minutes after the two had sex. Crandall then drove off in her car, returning home two hours later with five bags of groceries.

    "That's when we made the arrest," Agee said. "After tracking her for years, we finally had proof that she was buying all those goods with dirty money."

    During the arrest, Akron police officials entered the Crandall household and seized more than 150 items Mrs. Crandall had received from her husband over the last 19 years, including a four-speed adjustable food processor, 12 pairs of earrings, a matching sofa and loveseat, a box of two-ply kitchen garbage bags, and a portable radio.

    In exchange for these items, Agee said, Crandall's husband received sex an estimated 950 times—most frequently in the master bedroom, but also in the downstairs den three times, and once on the floor of the sewing room.

    In addition to physical evidence, Akron police have collected considerable eyewitness testimony. More than 250 Akron residents have come forward to report seeing Helen and Russell Crandall together, and several said they witnessed Mr. Crandall flagrantly purchasing items for his wife.

    "Sure, they'd come in here," said Ray Greene of Greene's House and Home. "I think the last time they got one of those box fans with the three settings."

    Perhaps the most damaging testimony has come from Mr. Crandall himself, who on Tuesday told police that while the couple was dating in 1977, Mrs. Crandall—then known as Helen Steuben—demanded that he buy her a ring worth over $1,000 before he could have sex with her. The first sexual liaison took place some six months later at Bob's Honeymooner Hotel during an all-expenses-paid trip to Niagara Falls.

    It was also in 1977, Mr. Crandall said, that his wife quit her job at Shippee Shoes in downtown Akron.

    "Clearly," Summit County prosecutor Andrew Dravecky said, "after quitting her job, the accused began receiving money under the table from some other source: How else could she have afforded to not work? It's now pretty apparent that at that point she began supporting herself by providing a certain service to Mr. Crandall."

    Crandall's mother, Bernice Steuben, a resident of the Valley View Senior Home in Yuma, AZ, is being sought for questioning in connection to the case: Police suspect that Steuben may have introduced her daughter to the sex-for-security scam after having used it herself from 1932 to 1971.

    But for all the evidence collected against Crandall, Dravecky said the case will likely be difficult to prosecute. "Helen was very careful to cover her tracks," he said. "She even got her husband to put her name on the bank accounts and credit cards."

    The Crandall case is not an isolated incident, said criminologist John Ohlmeyer, who said there are "literally millions" of such cases across the U.S. each year that never come to court.

    "This kind of thing isn't as uncommon as we'd all like to think," Ohlmeyer said. "A woman finds herself in a situation where she isn't employable. Or maybe she has interests like child-rearing, cooking and home-maintenance that keep her from getting a job. So what does she do? She cooks up a scheme to entrap a man using her body as the bait. It's frightening, but it happens every day in this country."

  3. #1743
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?'

    The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'

    Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

    The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

    The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

    The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his

  4. #1744
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Ummm...Hank...I showed She Who Must Be Obeyed that one about the housewife 'sex for security' scam...





    And She thumped me.

    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

    '47 Ford sedan. 350 -- 350, Jaguar irs + ifs.
    '49 Morris Minor. Datsun 1500cc, 5sp manual, Marina front axle, Nissan rear axle.
    '51 Ford school bus. Chev 400 ci Vortec 5 sp manual + Gearvendors 2sp, 2000 Chev lwb dually chassis and axles.
    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  5. #1745
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    John I also got the same thing from my wife
    you have to be careful what you tell the "boss"

  6. #1746
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    Two Woodpeckers...

    An Arizona woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Arizona arguing about which country had the toughest trees.
    The Arizona woodpecker claimed Arizona had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
    The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
    The Arizona woodpecker was amazed.

    The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Arizona woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Arizona woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

    The two of them flew to Canada where the Arizona woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

    Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Arizona tree, and the Arizona woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

    After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:


    Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your p*cker gets harder when you're away from home.

    The devil made me send this.

    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  7. #1747
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    on a lighter note

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    a news paper reporter wanted to do a writeup on the attitudes and beliefs of some the churches across the country and he went out west to begin his study in california. went into the largest church he could find and immediately saw a golden phone on the ministers desk with a sign reading " talk to GOD " $ 10`000 a minute. the reporter said " rather high is`nt it " minister said " it`s a long way to heaven ". the reporter worked his way east and north and was met with similar results along the way. finally he came to alabama and the first church he came to was a little brown wooden structure yet still with the same golden phone as all the big churches , but the sign said " talk to GOD " .025 cents per minute . the writer said he has been to all the biggest churches in the country and all charge about the same $ 10`000 for talking to GOD . how can you folks in the south do it for 25 cents. the preacher proudly said . down here it`s a local call
    __________________
    i`m not just stupid... i`m gross stupid .. thats like 144 times more than normal stupid
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  8. #1748
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    Sleep Survey

     



    In a survey conducted earlier this week, 1,000 American blondes were asked if they would sleep with Tiger Woods and 89 per cent said: "never again". ...
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  9. #1749
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    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    a lady walks into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.... the pharmacist asks " ma`am , what do you want with arsenic?.. the lady say`s " to kill my husband " ... i cant sell you any for that reason " says the pharmacist... the lady then shows him a photo of her husband having sex with the pharmacists wife . he looks at the photo and say`s " oh....... " i didnt know you had a prescription "
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  10. #1750
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    A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant

    "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.
    I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

    "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

    The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy,how was your day?"

    Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol...

    "Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

    "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir"

    Murphy. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

    "Well Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts
    in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting
    including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, and shouts: 'HELP ME for the
    love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

    "Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

    "I put drops in her eyes."
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  11. #1751
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    A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 50th birthday.
    She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

    On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

    Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am

    'About 32,' is the reply.'

    'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

    A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

    The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

    The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50..'

    Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

    She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

    The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30..'

    Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

    He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

    It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

    Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are...'

    They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her..

    She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

    He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

    He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

    He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

    After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'


    He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

    Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

    The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

    'I promise I won't' she says.

    'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  12. #1752
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    A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
    store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can
    you tell me where the Post Office is?"

    The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
    coupla blocks and turn to your right."

    Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
    I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
    to Heaven."

    The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
    even know the way to the f***ing Post Office"
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  13. #1753
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    A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
    conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

    "Emma come first.
    Den I come.
    Den two asses come together.
    I come once-a-more!
    Two asses, they come together again.
    I come again and pee twice.
    Then I come one lasta time."


    The lady can't take this any more and says, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

    "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '."

    $5.00 says you're gonna read this again!



    P.S. Cash only-----no checks, please.

  14. #1754
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    Chinese Sex

     



    While on vacation in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

    A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his member covered with bright green and purple spots.

    Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

    The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

    The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

    The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

    The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

    The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

    The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.'

    The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

    The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it!'

    The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

    Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

    'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  15. #1755
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    Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

    Two Prostitutes - $50.00.


    A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.


    Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

    'JESUS SAVES.'

    One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

    'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'

    The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

    He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

    Two Fallen Angels
    Seeking Peter --$50
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

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