Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ....... back and forth ..... back and forth ..... in and out ..... in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding ... her face was flushed ... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "OK, OK! I can't park the &^#%$# car! You do it, you SMUG b*****d!

I recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull. Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possible a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day which I did. Holy cow! Within two days, the bull started to service the cows...all of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!" I don't know what is in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint.

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'
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Men vs Women - - - still the same in 2013

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Smart Ass, and **** for Brains.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no benefit in two people remembering the same thing, over and over again!

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference
between the two words, COMPLETE and FINISHED. In a recently held linguistic
competition in London, Samsundar Balgobin was the clear winner with a
standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.

"Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way
that is easy to understand?" His answer was:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
And when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY
FINISHED!"

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price."

I can tell you guys that there are certain things you can do to make your wife/gf swoon. They aren't difficult, anyone can do them and they are some of the sexiest things I can think of (and I have quite the imagination)

So. Are you ready? Are you all that is man? Wipe that drop of drool from the corner of your mouth and read on

Technique #1 : Wet Hands

Yep, it is the wet hands technique. Certainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article. So simple. So exciting. You will leave her breathless.

* Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid. Not too many, you don't want it to be harsh. There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you.
* With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
* Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth across the surface of it..over and over again.
* Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.

Technique #2: Vibrate Me Baby

This technique utilizes what many women think of as toys! It is a little more difficult and takes a little more muscle. Extra credit on this one if you wear a black "wife beater" shirt at the same time. Are you man enough?

* Carefully pull the vacuum out of where it has been stored. You know you want to.
* Plug it in and push all the right buttons.
* Slowly move back and forth and back and forth across the carpet, you will know when to move to a new spot.
* Move to the next spot and repeat as long as it takes to get results.

Technique #3 : The Wet T Shirt Game

This game is pretty easy, although you will have to think quickly while in the midst of gettin' your game on. If you can handle the amount of agitation and vibration in the first few minutes you will be o.k. until the end.

* You will need two piles. No I did not say poles, I said piles.
* Put everything white and light colored in one and everything dark colored in the other.
* Fill the washing machine with warm water and laundry soap (this is imperative! Use the amount suggested by the manufacturer).
* Add the light pile. Close the lid.
* Write her a love letter about how great her eyes are while you are waiting for it to finish
* Repeat with the dark colors except use cold water.
* Quick note: If your wife is screaming "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Don't stop what you are doing..that is called domesticus interruptus and it really is frustrating for women.

Technique #4: What Goes Up Must Come Down

This is best used as a quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can't say no to this.

* When you put the toilet seat up, put it back down.
* Every time.

I know, I know.. you almost can't take any more verbal titillation. Good thing this is a short list. This last one is amazing. It is incredible! It definitely saves the best for last.

Technique #5: Tonight It's Oral Gratification

This will take some time to master. Work on it while using other techniques several times a week and then just expose your big secret to her when she least expects it. If you all ready know this technique you should be using it to it's full potential by adding to your repertoire of tricks.

* Learn to cook a whole meal.
* When she has had a particularly rough day run her a bath, preferably aromatic with LUSH bath stuff.
* While she is bathing fix your incredible dinner (hot dogs and popcorn does not count)
* While she is still relaxed from the bath and satiated with dinner proceed to technique #1.

You don't have to thank me. No...really.

Good luck guys.

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
for you…

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those
of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a
major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was
an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy;
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the
beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
look HOT .... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snowcone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted
to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

A couple of nights ago i was out with some buddies drinking some beer. After i had already gone past my limit i decided to top it all off with nice big maragarita, not my best idea.

Knowing full well im well past the legal limit, i finaly make a good choice... I took a taxi home.

Lucky thing i did, because on the way home i hit a police roadblock. Since im in a taxi however they waved the car right through.

Ten minutes later im home safe and sound which was pretty surprising.

Id never driven a taxi before, and no clue where i got it

A LITTLE MICHIGAN HUMOR (but probably not far from the truth!)


I was in St. Pete's Beach, Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Flint, Michigan."

So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night - or "foreplay", as she likes to call it.

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.


Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.


The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"


My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?"


A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.” “That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”


A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.


I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Mudduck3
I laughed so oo hard my gut hurts & tears froze to my cheeks!!
{ Outside on my phone: its 10* out here... }

10 reasons why men prefer guns over women---

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

THE HAIRCUT
Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.



POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

I suppose it's about time I told this story...I've kept quiet about it for years...but now I think it can finally come out...it was a long time ago...


It all started when my sister and brother-in-law bought a ten acre block up Valley Road in Paraparaumu, and needed it fenced into smaller paddocks.
They got a quote from a local fencing contractor for $180 per chain, (a chain is a lineal measure; 1 chain = 66 ft.,) which they thought rather excessive, so asked me for my opinion.
Being young and dumb, and proud of my fencing skills, I offered to do it for them for nothing...and hey; that's what you do for family.
So She and I loaded my fencing gear into the car and headed for Paraparaumu expecting to knock the job out in a week or so.

Oh boy! Was I in for a surprise!

In my land I'd buget on 35 minutes for a strainer hole, another 35 mins. for stay and plate, and 5 Mins. per post hole.
Whereas their land is all rotten rock...every hole had to be dug with a crowbar; if I got two strainer/stay assemblies in in a day I was doing well.
So the job took much longer than anticipated.
But my farm had to be run at the same time...so I sent She back home (with the car,) while I stayed on to fence the block up, sleeping in the wee shed on the property.
I soon found there were some things I really needed for creature comfort, so I started making a wee list for 'stuff' I needed to buy from down in the village.
1) Soup. Versatile stuff, and easy to prepare on the wee gas burner I'd brought with me.

2) A cauli. I really love my veges, and cauliflower is one of my favourites.

3) Fridge. Gotta have somewhere to keep my cauli...and my beer!

4) Elastic. The elastic band in one pair of my dacks had given out, and they were bunching around my crotch...most uncomfortable.

5) Eggs. They too are versatile...scramble them, fry them, poach them...all good.

6) Peas. Yep...love my veges.

7) Halitosis. Not expecting to be long, I hadn't brought enough tooth-paste...and it's got pretty bad when you spit on the grass and it shrivels in a puff of smoke.

So I set off on the ten mile walk to town, intending to get a local courier to bring these things (and me,) back up to Valley Rd.
I was about half way there when I realised I'd left my list behind, so I started chanting it under my breath so that I wouldn't forget anything.
One of the locals, driving to town himself, saw me walking and stopped to give me a lift.
(He was English, or French, or Belgian, or some other sort of Italian.)
"What's that you're saying?" he asked.
So I told him.
"Soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis."
"Hmm," he said. "I think I can do something with that. Soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis. Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious."

So now you know how it came about.
And I first put those words to paper.

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