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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #1771
    IC2
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    Irrefrutable Laws of Nature

     



    1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

    2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

    3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

    4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.


    5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.


    6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

    7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

    8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

    9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

    10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

    11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

    12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

    13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

    14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.

    15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

    16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

    17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

    18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

    19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  2. #1772
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    A man was taken to court for battering his wife to death with a hammer. As he stood in court the charges were read out to him. The judge said 'You're charged with battering your wife to death with a hammer' and a voice from the back of the room said 'you a**hole!'.

    The judge then said 'You're also charged with battering you daughter to death with a hammer', and again a voice said ' you lousy bastard '! The judge thought well I can't have this and asks the man to come forward.

    He say's 'I understand you're upset by this but one more outburst and I'll charge you with contempt of court, now whats the idea?'. The man says 'Well I've lived next to this bastard for 20 years and every time I've asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one'.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  3. #1773
    IC2
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    Husband to Wife after seeing an ad for Slim Fast..
    Honey maybe if you sprinkle some in your under wear you might lose a few inches off your butt...

    The wife having spent many many years with her husband says nothing....but thinks to herself.. When will he ever learn....

    Next morning on the way to have a shower the husband grabs a clean pair of underwear from the drawer and sees some powder fall off them. Honey... did you sprinkle talcum power on my underwear....

    No she replies cheerily..It's just some Miracle Grow.
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  4. #1774
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    Quote Originally Posted by IC2 View Post
    Husband to Wife after seeing an ad for Slim Fast..
    Honey maybe if you sprinkle some in your under wear you might lose a few inches off your butt...

    The wife having spent many many years with her husband says nothing....but thinks to herself.. When will he ever learn....

    Next morning on the way to have a shower the husband grabs a clean pair of underwear from the drawer and sees some powder fall off them. Honey... did you sprinkle talcum power on my underwear....

    No she replies cheerily..It's just some Miracle Grow.
    See #1861 Still a good one....
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  5. #1775
    IC2
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    Quote Originally Posted by rspears View Post
    See #1861 Still a good one....
    Must have missed it - every once in a while after Brent trips over the server cord and shuts the site down I wont get a day or so worth of "gems"
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  6. #1776
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    Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.



    Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'


    Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
    'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  7. #1777
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    hope this isn't a repost

    HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

    The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet - which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:
    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:
    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?
    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

  8. #1778
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    A nurse walks into a bank, exhausted after a twenty hour shift.
    She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write a check with it.
    She looks at the teller and says, "Well! That's great, that's just great!
    Some a**hole got my pen!"

  9. #1779
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    Salute to the Condome

     



    Official Announcement

    The government today announced that it is changing it's emblem from Eagle to Condom...........because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts productions, destroys the next generation, protects the bunch of pricks, and gives you sense of security while you actually being screwed.

  10. #1780
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    Raffle Tickets

     



    Farmer had too many animals.
    He decided to raffle off an old mule to thin the herd.
    he sold 1,000 $2 raffle tickets.
    The mule died before the raffle drawing.
    When asked, weren't people disappointed that the mule was dead?
    The farmer replied, "only the winner and I gave him his money back
    Last edited by 42K3; 02-05-2011 at 09:59 PM.

  11. #1781
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    When you're old and don't move fast anymore.

     



    George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

    He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

    He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

    Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

    George said, "Okay."

    He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

    Then he phoned the police again..

    "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

    Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

    George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"




    Don't mess with old people

  12. #1782
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    New Alphabet for Seniors
    A
    is for apple, and B is for boat,
    That used to be right, but now it won't float!
    Age before beauty is what we once said,
    But let's be a bit more realistic instead.


    Now The New Alphabet:

    A's for arthritis;
    B's the bad back,
    C's the chest pains,
    Perhaps car-d-iac?

    D is for dental decay and decline,
    E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
    F is for fissures and fluid retention,
    G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
    H . High blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
    I . For incisions with scars you can show.
    J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
    K is for knees that crack when they bend.
    L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
    M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
    N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
    O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
    P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
    Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
    Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
    R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
    S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
    T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
    U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
    V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
    W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
    X is for X ray, and what might be found.
    Y for another year I'm left here behind,
    Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

    I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
    And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  13. #1783
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    Life as a senior

     



    Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

    I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

    She said, "Are you nuts? You're 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

    I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

    "You idiot", she said. "Where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

    I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!

    Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.
    Last edited by fitzwilly; 06-07-2010 at 08:15 PM.

  14. #1784
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    What a Coincidence...

    A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

    The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

    'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

    'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.''What a coincidence!' said the farmer.

    As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

    'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

    'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized Eggs.'

    'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

    'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence'



    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  15. #1785
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    I was driving along and I came upon a hitch-hiker who was holding a sign that said,
    " HEAVEN " ... Being the good person that I am , I hit him ... I hope he made it o.k.

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