Welcome to Club Hot Rod!  The premier site for everything to do with Hot Rod, Customs, Low Riders, Rat Rods, and more. 

  •  » Members from all over the US and the world!
  •  » Help from all over the world for your questions
  •  » Build logs for you and all members
  •  » Blogs
  •  » Image Gallery
  •  » Many thousands of members and hundreds of thousands of posts! 

YES! I want to register an account for free right now!  p.s.: For registered members this ad will NOT show

 
Like Tree2675Likes

Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

Reply To Thread
Page 125 of 226 FirstFirst ... 25 75 115 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 135 175 225 ... LastLast
Results 1,861 to 1,875 of 3376
  1. #1861
    fitzwilly's Avatar
    fitzwilly is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    FLUSHING, MICHIGAN
    Car Year, Make, Model: 59 FORD FAIRLANE 500 GALAXIE
    Posts
    207

    Lucky Dogs!

     



    This morning I went to sign my Dogs up for welfare.

    At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare".

    So I explained to her that my Dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy,

    can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddys are.

    They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical

    care, and feel guilty because they are dogs.

    So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

    My Dogs get their first checks Friday.

    Damn. Is this a great country or what!

  2. #1862
    Larry M's Avatar
    Larry M is offline Senior Club Hot Rod Member Lifetime Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Apr 2001
    Location
    Shelton
    Car Year, Make, Model: '23 Tall "T" Coupe 400 SBC
    Posts
    4,614

    Exquisite British humor!!

     



    Exquisite British humor!!

    The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. marine walked the entire
    length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a
    well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
    The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

    The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
    'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

    The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left
    was under that dog.

    'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired..'

    She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

    This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the
    little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

    The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American
    should be put in his place!'

    An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans
    seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

    You hold the fork in the wrong hand..

    You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

    And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
    Every Day I Wake Up Above Ground Is a Good Day!!

  3. #1863
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    In the Boonies of Ontario
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
    Posts
    1,307

    Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

    When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

    One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

    "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

    Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

    Women are so much better at financial planning than men.


    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  4. #1864
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    In the Boonies of Ontario
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
    Posts
    1,307

    A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital
    "How are you grandpa?" He asks
    "Feeling fine" says the old man
    What's the food like?
    "Terrific, wonderful menus"
    "And the nursing?"
    "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you"
    "What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
    "No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that's it. I go out like a light."
    The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
    "What are you people doing" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
    "Oh, yes" replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well".

    "The chocolate makes him sleep,
    and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed".

    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  5. #1865
    fitzwilly's Avatar
    fitzwilly is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    FLUSHING, MICHIGAN
    Car Year, Make, Model: 59 FORD FAIRLANE 500 GALAXIE
    Posts
    207

    Bacon Tree

     



    Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

    "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

    "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

    With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

    There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

    "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

    "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

    "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

    And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

    "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

    "Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

    "Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees a ham bush...."

  6. #1866
    rspears's Avatar
    rspears is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Gardner, KS
    Car Year, Make, Model: '33 HiBoy Coupe
    Posts
    9,516

    Bad, bad, badder
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  7. #1867
    CR55's Avatar
    CR55 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    N. Il
    Car Year, Make, Model: 37 Chevy. 48 and 60 Harleys
    Posts
    229

    HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM


    1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

    2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

    3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

    4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

    "Bubba,

    Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
    Don't mess with the pit bulls- they attacked the mailman this morning and
    messed him up bad... I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
    from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

    Better wait outside. Be right back.

    Cooter"
    I thought I knew a lot, until I had teenagers!

  8. #1868
    MelloYello's Avatar
    MelloYello is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Montgomery
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1962 Ford Fairlane 2dr with 289
    Posts
    9,934

    Happy Belated Mom's Day !
    If this doesn't make you then you should check your pulse !

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhcA4Ry65FU
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  9. #1869
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    In the Boonies of Ontario
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
    Posts
    1,307

    Two young medical interns were walking down the hospital corridor when they observed an elderly gentleman walking toward them with a very stiff leg-ed gait. The first one said to the second, "I'll bet that I can diagnose that man's problem quicker than you can." "You're on," said the second.
    So they walked up to the geezer.
    "Sir, we are doctors and I was just discussing with my colleague here that I believe your problem is arthritic, an inflammation of the joints. Can you tell me if I am right?"
    "Well, young fella, you'd be wrong," said the senior.
    The second intern then spoke up, "Sir, I believe that you have rheumatism, an inflammation of the connective tissues and ligaments."
    "Well, son, then you'd be wrong too."
    The two interns looked at each other puzzled, then one said, "Sir, would you mind telling us what your problem is?"
    "Well doctors, don't feel so bad," said the geezer, "I thought it was a f*rt, but I was wrong too."
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  10. #1870
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Tigard
    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
    Posts
    2,191

    A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

    The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

    Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

    A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

    The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

    The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

    The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.

    The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

    U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

    That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  11. #1871
    MelloYello's Avatar
    MelloYello is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Montgomery
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1962 Ford Fairlane 2dr with 289
    Posts
    9,934

    Boudreaux showed up at Mass one Sunday, and the priest almost
    fell down when he saw him. Boudreaux had never been seen in church
    in his life.

    After Mass the priest caught up to Boudreaux and said, "Boudreaux,
    I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, but what made you come?"

    Boudreaux said, "I got to be honest with you Father; a while back
    I misplaced my hat, and I really, really love that hat. I know that
    Thibodeaux had one just like mine, and I knew that Thibodeaux
    came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Thibodeaux had
    to take off his hat during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in
    the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and
    steal Thibodeaux's hat."

    The priest said, "Well, Boudreaux, I notice that you didn't steal
    Thibodeaux's hat. What changed your mind?"

    Boudreaux said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments,
    I decided that I didn't need to steal Thibodeaux's hat."

    The priest gave Boudreaux a big smile and said, "After I talked about
    'Thou Shall Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your
    hat than burn in Hell, right?"

    Boudreaux shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about
    'Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left my hat.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  12. #1872
    MelloYello's Avatar
    MelloYello is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Montgomery
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1962 Ford Fairlane 2dr with 289
    Posts
    9,934

    I hope that Y'all don't mind, but I entered all the members names in a draw for a 7-Day, 6-Night cruise.

    No sales people will call or bother you in any way.

    It's on the fabulous new Gypsy Queen Cruise Line ship, The ' Dixie Belle'.

    All airfares, transfers, food and drinks included - with dinner at the Captain's table as his personal guest.

    Good luck, I hope you win!

    Photos of the ship are shown below....



    Boy, I wish I was going with you.
    If you win, make sure to send pictures.

    Your live-in hostesses, will take good care of you.



    Nothing is too good for my friends!
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  13. #1873
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    In the Boonies of Ontario
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
    Posts
    1,307

    Would work for Canada as well!!

     



    A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

    The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

    The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."
    The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

    The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !"
    That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not American."

    He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
    She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
    Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
    The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."



    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  14. #1874
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    In the Boonies of Ontario
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
    Posts
    1,307

    Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
    The only question asked was:-

    "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions
    to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

    The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

    1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
    2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
    3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
    4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
    5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
    6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
    7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
    8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  15. #1875
    fitzwilly's Avatar
    fitzwilly is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    FLUSHING, MICHIGAN
    Car Year, Make, Model: 59 FORD FAIRLANE 500 GALAXIE
    Posts
    207

    Cannibal Cookery

     



    .


    A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

    Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

    +Tourist: $5.00

    +Broiled Missionary: $10.00

    +Fried Explorer: $15.00

    +Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

    The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Politicians?"

    The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
    They're so full of crap, it takes all morning!"

    .

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Links monetized by VigLink