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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #1876
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    Let's Offend Everybody!

    Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
    A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

    Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
    A. A different bar.

    Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
    A. Sum Ting Wong.

    Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
    A. A speech impediment.

    Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
    A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

    Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
    A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

    Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
    A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

    Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
    A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

    Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
    A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
    A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'

    Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
    A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  2. #1877
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1962 Ford Fairlane 2dr with 289
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    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  3. #1878
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    A.a.a.d.d.

     



    Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
    Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

    This is how it manifests:

    I decide to water my garden.
    As I turn on the hose,

    I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

    Starting toward the garage,

    I notice mail on the porch table that
    I brought up from the mail box earlier.

    I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

    I lay my car keys on the table,

    put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
    and notice that the can is full.

    So, I decide to put the bills back

    on the table and take out the garbage first.
    But then I think,
    since I'm going to be near the mailbox
    when I take out the garbage,
    I may as well pay the bills first.
    I pick up my cheque book
    and see that there is only one cheque left.
    My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,

    so I go inside to my desk where I find the
    can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

    I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

    The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

    As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
    a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

    I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

    I set the glasses back down on the counter,

    fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
    I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
    I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
    I pour some water in the flowers,
    but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
    So, I set the remote back on the table,

    get some towels and wipe up the spill.
    Then, I head down the hall trying to

    remember what I was planning to do.

    At the end of the day:
    the car isn't washed
    the bills aren't paid
    there is a warm can of
    Pepsi sitting on the counter
    the flowers don't have enough water,
    there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
    I can't find the remote,
    I can't find my glasses,
    and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.


    Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

    I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
    I realize this is a serious problem,
    and I'll try to get some help for it,
    but first I'll check my e-mail....
    Do me a favor.
    Forward this message to everyone you know,
    because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it
    to.

    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  4. #1879
    IC2
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    Irrefrutable Laws of Nature

     



    1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

    2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

    3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

    4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.


    5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.


    6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

    7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

    8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

    9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

    10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

    11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

    12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

    13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

    14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.

    15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

    16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

    17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

    18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

    19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  5. #1880
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    A man was taken to court for battering his wife to death with a hammer. As he stood in court the charges were read out to him. The judge said 'You're charged with battering your wife to death with a hammer' and a voice from the back of the room said 'you a**hole!'.

    The judge then said 'You're also charged with battering you daughter to death with a hammer', and again a voice said ' you lousy bastard '! The judge thought well I can't have this and asks the man to come forward.

    He say's 'I understand you're upset by this but one more outburst and I'll charge you with contempt of court, now whats the idea?'. The man says 'Well I've lived next to this bastard for 20 years and every time I've asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one'.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  6. #1881
    IC2
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    Husband to Wife after seeing an ad for Slim Fast..
    Honey maybe if you sprinkle some in your under wear you might lose a few inches off your butt...

    The wife having spent many many years with her husband says nothing....but thinks to herself.. When will he ever learn....

    Next morning on the way to have a shower the husband grabs a clean pair of underwear from the drawer and sees some powder fall off them. Honey... did you sprinkle talcum power on my underwear....

    No she replies cheerily..It's just some Miracle Grow.
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  7. #1882
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    Quote Originally Posted by IC2 View Post
    Husband to Wife after seeing an ad for Slim Fast..
    Honey maybe if you sprinkle some in your under wear you might lose a few inches off your butt...

    The wife having spent many many years with her husband says nothing....but thinks to herself.. When will he ever learn....

    Next morning on the way to have a shower the husband grabs a clean pair of underwear from the drawer and sees some powder fall off them. Honey... did you sprinkle talcum power on my underwear....

    No she replies cheerily..It's just some Miracle Grow.
    See #1861 Still a good one....
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  8. #1883
    IC2
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    Quote Originally Posted by rspears View Post
    See #1861 Still a good one....
    Must have missed it - every once in a while after Brent trips over the server cord and shuts the site down I wont get a day or so worth of "gems"
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  9. #1884
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.



    Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'


    Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
    'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  10. #1885
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    hope this isn't a repost

    HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

    The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet - which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:
    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:
    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?
    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

  11. #1886
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    A nurse walks into a bank, exhausted after a twenty hour shift.
    She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write a check with it.
    She looks at the teller and says, "Well! That's great, that's just great!
    Some a**hole got my pen!"

  12. #1887
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    Salute to the Condome

     



    Official Announcement

    The government today announced that it is changing it's emblem from Eagle to Condom...........because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts productions, destroys the next generation, protects the bunch of pricks, and gives you sense of security while you actually being screwed.

  13. #1888
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    Raffle Tickets

     



    Farmer had too many animals.
    He decided to raffle off an old mule to thin the herd.
    he sold 1,000 $2 raffle tickets.
    The mule died before the raffle drawing.
    When asked, weren't people disappointed that the mule was dead?
    The farmer replied, "only the winner and I gave him his money back
    Last edited by 42K3; 02-05-2011 at 10:59 PM.

  14. #1889
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    When you're old and don't move fast anymore.

     



    George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

    He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

    He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

    Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

    George said, "Okay."

    He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

    Then he phoned the police again..

    "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

    Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

    George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"




    Don't mess with old people

  15. #1890
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    New Alphabet for Seniors
    A
    is for apple, and B is for boat,
    That used to be right, but now it won't float!
    Age before beauty is what we once said,
    But let's be a bit more realistic instead.


    Now The New Alphabet:

    A's for arthritis;
    B's the bad back,
    C's the chest pains,
    Perhaps car-d-iac?

    D is for dental decay and decline,
    E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
    F is for fissures and fluid retention,
    G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
    H . High blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
    I . For incisions with scars you can show.
    J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
    K is for knees that crack when they bend.
    L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
    M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
    N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
    O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
    P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
    Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
    Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
    R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
    S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
    T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
    U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
    V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
    W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
    X is for X ray, and what might be found.
    Y for another year I'm left here behind,
    Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

    I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
    And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

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