Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

From Various Training Manuals

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal
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'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - U.S. Air Force Manual
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‘Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General Douglas MacArthur
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'Tracers work both ways.' - Army Ordnance Manual
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'Five second fuses last about three seconds.' - Infantry Journal
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'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.' - Naval Ops Manual
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'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown Infantry Recruit
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'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.' - Infantry Journal
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'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.' - Sign over SR71 Wing Ops
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'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)
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'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.' - Unknown Author
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'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.' - Fixed Wing Pilot-
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'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.' -Multi-Engine Training Manual
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'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.' - Unknown Author
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'If you hear me yell; "Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echoes.' If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.' - Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot
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'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.' - Sign over Control Tower Door
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'Never trade luck for skill.' - Author Unknown
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: ' Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh S...!' - Authors Unknown
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'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.' - Basic Flight Training Manual
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'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it..' - Emergency Checklist
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'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley ( Northrop test pilot)
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'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.' - Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB , AZ
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'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?' The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

Roger , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action' And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already?"

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

P.S. Have I posted this already? I forget!

Punography

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra and ordered a martini.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box
under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the
afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and
she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew
what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was
such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a
special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept
my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today
the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why
do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it
again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am
very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you
are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that
bad considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made
their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you
have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box fills up with empty cans, I
take them to the recycling center and redeem them for cash.

Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q.Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

A local fella on his way to a meeting is driving down this country lane. He spots a rabbit on the edger of the road. Just as he is about to pass he is shocked to observe the rabbit hop into his path.

Sure enough bump bump, he knows he has become the unintended executioner of our poor rabbit. He stops and walks back to the scene of the carnage. The rabbit is laying there utterly lifeless. The driver is torn whether to leave the scene as is or remove the rabbit for burial later. When along comes another motorist.

The car stops and a rather stunning blond haired women comes over to the fella and asks if he is OK. Our fella explains what just occurred, expressing grief over the loss of a even a life so small as the rabbit's.

The lady exclaims "I have just the thing for this" She pops her trunk and reaches into one of several boxes in there and retrieves what looks to be a spray can of sorts.

She liberally sprays the rabbit for a few seconds and to the amazement of our distraught fella, the rabbit comes back to life, turns and begins hopping down the road away from the scene & every few hops, he stops, turns and waves back to the pair in the road. Our fella, truly amazed at this point query's the lady, "That was amazing, what is in that can?"

Hair spray she replies, I am an Avon says the blond lady.

"But how did that bring that poor rabbit back from the dead?" he asked.

She holds up the can and reads.
"Avon Supreme Rejuvenating Hair Spray"
"Restores dead hair and installs a permanent wave"

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SIGN OF THE TIMES

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
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In a Podiatrist's office:
Time wounds all heels.
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels.
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At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place.
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On a Plumber's truck:
We repair what your husband fixed.
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On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
Invite us to your next blowout.
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At a Towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
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On an Electrician's truck:
Let us remove your shorts.
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In a Non-smoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
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On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push.�
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At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment.
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
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At the Electric Company
We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.
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In a Restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up.
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home
Drive carefully. We'll wait.
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At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank heaven for little grills.
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AT A CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
Best place in town to take a leak.
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On the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises.

Like a lot of Americans, I decided to buy another gun today but
there was a bit of confusion at Academy this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and
bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the local newspaper about
the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking had finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

Good one Mello! ROFL..

Thank ya Sir:

My wife left me the other day
Said she was going to get milk
And she never came back

I'm hanging in there
And doing pretty good
I've been using that powdered stuff

A doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty the next day. No matter how hard he tried to forget about it, his shame was overwhelming. However, he'd hear a reassuring voice in his head that said, "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to have sex with one of his patients. Then he would hear another voice in his head say: "You are a sick SOB," it whispered, "and a terrible veterinarian!"

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University ..

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.



The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it!

1.This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6.. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
I bet you cannot resist passing it on..

.

The Population of this country is 310 million.

160 Million are retired.


That leaves 140 million to do the Work.


There are 85 million in school.


Which leaves 55 million to do the work.


Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal
Government.


Leaving 20 million to do the work.


2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied


With killing TERRORISTS. Which leaves 17.2
Million to do the work.


Take from that total the 15.8 Million people who work
for state and city Governments.


That leaves 1.4 million to do the work.


At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.


Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.


With 1,211,998 people in prisons.


That leaves just two people to do the Work.


You and me.

And there You are,

Sitting on your ass,


At your computer, reading jokes


Nice.......... Real nice.

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