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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #1936
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    10 dog peeves about humans

     



    1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not very funny at all!

    2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!

    3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

    4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

    5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

    6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

    7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back

    8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

    9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

    10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  2. #1937
    lamin8r's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by glennsexton View Post
    You might be surprised...

    Parallels of Abraham Lincoln & Barack Obama

    1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration; Obama used the same Bible.

    2. Lincoln came from Illinois; Obama comes from Illinois.

    3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature; Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.

    4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President; Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

    5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration; Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.

    6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer; Obama is a skinny lawyer.

    7. Lincoln was a Republican; Obama is a skinny lawyer.

    8. Lincoln was in the United States military; Obama is a skinny lawyer.

    9. Lincoln believed that everyone should carry their own weight; Obama is a skinny lawyer.

    10. Lincoln did not waste taxpayer's money on personal enjoyments; Obama is a skinny lawyer.

    11. Lincoln was highly respected; Obama is a skinny lawyer.

    12. Lincoln was born in the United States; Obama is a skinny lawyer.

    13. Lincoln was honest; so honest he was called "Honest Abe"; Obama is a skinny lawyer. .

    14. Lincoln saved the United States; Obama is a skinny lawyer.
    Glenn,wasnt Abraham Lincoln assassinated????
    Micah 6:8

    If we aren't supposed to have midnight snacks,,,WHY is there a light in the refrigerator???

    Robin.

  3. #1938
    IC2
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    Quote Originally Posted by lamin8r View Post
    Glenn,wasn't Abraham Lincoln assassinated????

    .....while currently over 57% of the polled American people don't like this guy, not a pleasant thought with the potential racial repercussions. Also, just think of the airports, schools and highways that would have to be renamed
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  4. #1939
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    Quote Originally Posted by IC2 View Post
    .....while currently over 57% of the polled American people don't like this guy, not a pleasant thought with the potential racial repercussions. Also, just think of the airports, schools and highways that would have to be renamed
    Yeah,not good,,That really would start a war...From what I have heard and read,he is about as popular as a porkchop at a bar mitzvah...[spelling?]
    Iguess its a hard row for him..

    Sorry,this is the joke page..didnt mean to incur the impending wrath of Mr mustang or anyone else...Carry on joking...please...
    Micah 6:8

    If we aren't supposed to have midnight snacks,,,WHY is there a light in the refrigerator???

    Robin.

  5. #1940
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    Roger that - none here wish Mr Obama ill and certainly not the fate of President Lincoln..

    I agree with the "back to the jokes part..."'

    Did you hear the one about the lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkey get any bigger?"

    The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  6. #1941
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    What to do

     



    That Christmas story at the beginning of this thread reminds me of one summer day when I and two of my 6th grade friends were sitting on the curb trying to think of something different to do that day. The three of us dug our hands into our pockets and came up with a total of 75 cents. My friend Johnny then suggested that we all go down to Sophie's (the local madam). He said his father goes there every now and then and always has a big grin on his face when he comes back. My friend Sammy and I agreed and away we went. When we got to Sophie's and rang the bell she opened the door and asked us what we wanted and Johnny said we wanted the same fun his father got when he came over. Sophie then asked us how much money we had and we showed her the 75¢. She thinks for a few seconds then tells us to come on in and sets us down in the front room. She then goes up stairs and gets a blow up doll and slips it between the sheets. She comes back down and asks "who's first?". Johnny says me so she takes him up to the room. When he comes back down Sammy and I ask him how was it? "Great" was his reply. I was next so up I go. When I get back down the other two ask me how I liked it. "Great" was my reply as well. Finally it is Sammy's turn so up he goes. He's up there a very long time and when he comes down Johnny and I ask him what took him so long. "Well" he says, "I get to the room and there she is under the covers, I climbed in and kissed her on the lips, nothing happened so I kissed her on the neck, still nothing so I bit her on the Tit. She laid a fart, flew around the room a couple of times then went out the window and that was it".

    I swear, true story.

    Jack
    Last edited by Jack F; 08-05-2010 at 03:52 PM.

  7. #1942
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    The world is just getting too complex for me. They mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

    Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

    I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

  8. #1943
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    I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
    A half-gallon of 2% milk
    A carton of eggs
    A quart of orange juice
    A head of lettuce
    A 2 lb. can of coffee
    A 1 lb. package of bacon

    As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

    While the cashier was ringing up my purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

    I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found that 'Person of My Dreams'.

    I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

    Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?'

    The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  9. #1944
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    You're an EXTREME Redneck When.....

    1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
    front of her kids.

    2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on
    how much gas is in it.

    3. You've been married three times and still have the same
    in-laws.

    4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a
    different night.

    5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

    6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "'Hey, guys,
    watch this."

    7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

    8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

    9. Your junior prom offered day care.

    10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are
    "Gentlemen, start your engines."

    11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right
    off its wheels.

    12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your
    spouse.

    13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

    14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

    15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a "Freebie"
    at the House of Tattoos.

    16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law
    against it.

    17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife
    drunk.

    .

  10. #1945
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    Rules For Gun Safety

     



    Rules every gun owner should know...
    Attached Images
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  11. #1946
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    The speed at which morons shut up and leave is in direct proportion to the size of the hole in the end of the barrel.
    theres no foo like an old foo

  12. #1947
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    THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY
    WHEN DRUNK:
    1. Innovative
    2. Preliminary
    3. Proliferation
    4. Cinnamon

    THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
    1. Specificity
    2. Anti-constitutionalistically
    3. Passive-aggressive disorder
    4. Transubstantiate

    THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

    1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
    2. Nope, no more booze for me.
    3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
    4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not really that hungry.
    5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
    6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
    7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
    8. Thank you, but I wont make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. Id hate to look like a fool.
    9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
    10. I must be going home now as I have class in the morning
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  13. #1948
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    A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided
    to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby
    well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and
    asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I
    could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge
    me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man
    agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need
    was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her
    husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the
    house?"

    He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied,
    "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes
    we've been getting by email lately." Later that day, the blonde teenager
    came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the
    startled husband asked. "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left
    over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket
    for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. "And by the
    way, "the blonde teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  14. #1949
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    Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.




    Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did."Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.



    When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"


    His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh*t inside!"

    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  15. #1950
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    Yet Another Blond Joke

     



    One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

    Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

    The blonde said it was hers.

    'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

    The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

    The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

    'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'

    The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

    You gotta love this - - - -





























    The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'
    Every Day I Wake Up Above Ground Is a Good Day!!

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