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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #1891
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

    Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

    On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

    Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that I've been a hooker all my life."

    "I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  2. #1892
    fitzwilly's Avatar
    fitzwilly is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    The toilet seat

     



    Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to
    paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it
    while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
    She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in
    the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she
    realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the
    toilet seat.
    About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
    They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
    Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.
    Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the
    hospital emergency room.
    The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to
    free her. (Try to get a mental picture of this.)
    Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,"Well,
    Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
    The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never
    saw one mounted and framed."
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.
    Have a special custom-made booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
    It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling, plus this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial.
    Justice would be quick and swift. Case closed!
    This is so simple that it's pure genius. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number _____ ".
    Brilliant!
    Last edited by fitzwilly; 11-23-2010 at 11:48 AM.

  3. #1893
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    Threat levels increased world-wide


    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940,when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorizedfrom "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the Britishissued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatenedby the Spanish Armada.

    The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This isthe reason they have been used on the front line of the British armyfor the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

    Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

    The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

    Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

    New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to"BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be all right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  4. #1894
    IC2
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    Retirement statistics

     



    Death is one of the leading causes of statistics.
    — Unknown wise retiree

    Surprisingly, 39.2 percent of all statistics about retirement are made up on the spot.
    — Unknown wise retired person

    Statistics are no substitute for common sense.
    — Unknown wise person

    If enough erroneous data is collected, most things can be proven statistically.
    — Unknown wise person

    Statistics can be used to prove that the probability of something happening is inversely proportional to it not happening.
    — Unknown working person hoping to retire at 60

    Exactly 56.78 percent of statistics about retirement are not as accurate as they are deemed to be.
    — Unknown retired person

    People can come up with statistics to prove anything. Over 14 percent of retired people know that.
    — Unknown soon-to-be retired person

    If you believe all the statistics about retirement that you hear and read, you probably won't retire. Heck, you won't even get up in the morning.
    — Unknown retiree

    91 percent of statistics is crap and nothing else.
    — Unknown senior grouch

    There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics.
    — Benjamin Disraeli

    Statistics show there are three ages when men misbehave: young, old, and middle.
    — Unknown wise retiree

    Statistics show that an average of 39,000 people are killed by gas annually. Sixty inhale it, forty light matches in it, and 38,900 step on it.
    — Unknown wise person

    Statistics show that men who kiss their wives in the morning live five years longer. So do people who have read How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free.
    — Very wise retiree

    If people were as religious as statistics show them to be, we could get along with fewer police.
    — Unknown retiree

    Statistics are like witnesses — they will testify for either side.
    — Unknown retired person

    Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
    — Unknown wise retiree

    Statisticians collect facts, then draw their own confusions.
    — Unknown senior

    Statistics can be used to support just about everything — including statisticians.
    — Unknown wise working person
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  5. #1895
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    AH To Be Married

     



    There was a young couple on their way to be married but they had a car accident and they did not survive. They went to Heaven and they met God. They said it’s nice to be in Heaven but we’d still like to be married. God said I’ll see what I can do. The couple came back in ten years and said we’d still like to be married. God said ok I have a Preacher so they were married. Then they came back in two years and said, God it’s not working can we get a divorce? God said it took me ten years to get a Preacher up here. HOW LONG DO THINK IT’S GOING TO TAKE FOR ME TO GET A LAWYER?

  6. #1896
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    An old lady dies and goes to heaven.


    She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
    When all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

    Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
    'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her
    Shoulder blades for the wings.'

    The old lady looks a little uncomfortable
    But carries on with the conversation.

    A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.


    'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady,
    'now what is happening?'
    'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
    'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

    'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

    'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter.
    'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

    'Maybe so,' says the old lady,
    But I've already got the holes for that.

  7. #1897
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    MelloYello is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1962 Ford Fairlane 2dr with 289
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    GENERAL PUBLIC NOTICE:

    Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving questions about my dog who mauled 3 Muslims sitting on a rug next to my back wall, 6 illegal’s wearing Obama t-shirts, 4 stupid Democrats wearing Pelosi T-shirts, 2 rappers, 5 phone operators who asked me to press #1 for English, 9 teenagers with their pants hanging down past their cracks, 8 customer service desk people speaking in broken English, 10 flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.
    FOR THE LAST TIME...

    THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!"

    (if this offends anyone then, oh well)
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  8. #1898
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    glennsexton is online now CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
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    Now that's funny Politically very incorrect, but hey - this is the joke page, right!?!
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  9. #1899
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    A Movie Quiz

     



    The Movie Test

    Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. It is really amazing that a mathmatical expression can very likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Try it and see if it works for you!!

    The Test:

    Pick a number from 1-9.

    Multiply by 3.

    Add 3.

    Multiply by 3 again.

    Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

    Movie List:

    1. Gone With The Wind
    2. E..T.
    3. Beverly Hills Cop
    4.. Star Wars
    5. Forrest Gump
    6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
    7. Jaws
    8. Grease
    9. The Defeat of Obama in 2012
    10. Casablanca
    11. Jurassic Park
    12. Shrek
    13. Pirates of the Caribbean
    14. Titanic
    15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
    16. Home Alone
    17. Mrs. Doubtfire
    18. Toy Story
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  10. #1900
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    A GREAT WEEKEND!!!!


    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.


    He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

    The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

    On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

    'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

    See.......Not All Seniors Are Senile
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  11. #1901
    fitzwilly's Avatar
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    Young king arthur

     



    Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he s till had no answer, he would be put to death.

    The question?.....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

    He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
    Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

    But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

    The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

    The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

    Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

    He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

    He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

    Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

    "What a woman really wants," she answered, "is to be in charge of her own life."

    Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

    And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

    The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

    The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

    Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

    Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

    Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

    Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

    Now....what is the moral to this story?


    If you don't let a woman have her own way....
    Things are going to get ugly
    Last edited by fitzwilly; 12-04-2010 at 07:50 AM.

  12. #1902
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    Have You Ever Danced?

     



    Have You Ever Danced?

    An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

    The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

    He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

    The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

    The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.. never really wanted to."

    A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

    The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

    When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

    The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

    The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
    The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

    The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

    The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

    The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

    The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

    There are a few lessons for us all here:

    Never be arrogant.
    Don't waste ammunition.
    Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
    Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
    Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

    I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

  13. #1903
    IC2
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    Engineering conversions

     



    Engineering Conversion Factors you did not know about.

    01. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
    02. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
    03. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
    04. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
    05. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
    06. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
    07. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
    08. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
    09. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
    10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
    11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
    12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
    13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
    14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
    15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle
    16. 365 days = 1 unicycle
    17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
    18. 10 cards = 1 decacard
    19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard
    20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
    21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
    22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
    23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
    24. 10 rations = 1 declaration
    25. 100 rations = 1 C-Ration
    26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
    27. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
    28. 5 nautical miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  14. #1904
    fitzwilly's Avatar
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    The Diary of a Snow Shoveler

    December 8
    6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife
    and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the
    huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
    Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

    December 9
    We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch
    of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely
    place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.
    Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
    both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came
    along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
    to shovel again. What a perfect life.

    December 12
    The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My
    neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
    No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by
    the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think
    that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

    December 14
    Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The
    cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I
    warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
    The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I
    didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll
    certainly get back in shape this way.

    December 15
    20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
    tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.
    The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
    that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

    December 16
    Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway
    putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which
    I think was very cruel.

    December 17
    Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
    Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
    warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
    Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I
    hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my
    own living room.

    December 20
    Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night.
    More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.
    Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
    playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
    around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
    another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
    shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.


    December 22
    Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
    white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till
    August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
    then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed
    again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on
    his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think
    the jerk is lying.

    December 23
    Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to
    decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why
    didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think
    she's lying.

    December 24
    6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was
    having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow
    I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my
    broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to
    finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour
    and throws snow all over where I've just been!
    Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open
    our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

    December 25
    Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed
    in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the
    snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the
    head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's
    a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more
    time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

    December 26
    Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
    She's really getting on my nerves.

    December 27
    Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14
    hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my
    pipes.

    December 28
    Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me
    crazy!!!

    December 29
    10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
    That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

    December 30
    Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a
    million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to
    shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went
    home to her mother. 9" predicted.

    December 31
    I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

    January 8
    Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
    Why am I tied to the bed?

  15. #1905
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    Lightbulb stowaway

     



    A beautiful young Italian New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

    But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her "You have so much to live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. "I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

    With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe , the woman accepted.


    That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

    Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.


    "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe ."

    "I see," the captain says.

    "Plus," she adds, "He's screwing me."

    "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

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