Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Not at all related to cars - but this gave me a lot of smiles! If you're old enough to remember some of these actors and actresses, this will make you laugh. Enjoy!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1F0lBnsnkE

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...

Doctor: "What happened to you?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on beer he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Beer, just take a glass of sweetened tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow.. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Beer stupor.

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Beer, I swished with sweetened tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Today's deep thoughts


01. If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

02. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

03. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

04. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

05. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

06. Over 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

07. If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

08. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

09. As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake!

10. I'm responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

11. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

12. My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously, there's a new strain out there.

14. It's not my age that bothers me - it's the side effects.

15.. I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day

16. As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

17. As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more energy-efficient.

18. I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

19. If you find yourself feeling useless, remember: it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.

20. Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

21. I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas

22. I'm on two simultaneous diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

23. I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

24. My mind is like an internet browser. At least 18 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

25. Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

26. My wife says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.

Love # 26! LOL

Red Skelton's recipe for a great marriage...................

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!".

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"

“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the southern redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."

"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba." ...........

Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, " Our patrol helicopter clocked you at 80 mph. sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

This is what we have to look forward to.....

a joke from across the pond

I borrowed my mates Audi the other day. The police pulled me over, slapped the hand cuffs on me and bundled me into the back of the police car. They said, "we have reason to believe you have stolen that car". I said no it's my mates, I've borrowed it. Phone him he'll confirm that". They did that and as they let me go I asked "Why did you pull me over?" The reply came, "We've followed you round six corners and you gave a signal every time. We knew you couldn't be an Audi driver"

Crikey Hank there's so much truth in that it's not funny!

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. “You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.”
“I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.”
“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.”
“I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff.”

A man was suspect!ng his wife of cheating he decided to go to his village and consult a juju man. The juju man told him to come back in two weeks bringing along some sample of sand from his yard. So the man went back after two weeks with the sample of sand. The juju man performed his r!tuals and said to the man...."I don't know if you can handle hearing this.
The man said go ahead. I want to hear it. The juju man said the two boys you have are not your sons, your daughter is seeing five different men and your wife is pregnant by your younger brother.
The man started laughing.
The juju man asked him why he was laughing, after all these bad news.
The man responded, I don't know if you can handle this. The juju man said go ahead.
The man said, I was running late and I forgot to bring the sand sample from my yard, so I dug out some from your yard.

The joys of getting old

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles.

The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again.

This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here.
These coyotes ain't f***in'our sheep; they're eatin' 'em!"

The old fellow in the big cowboy hat got a standing ovation.

The meeting never really got back to order.