Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A twice divorced woman was having lunch with her friends and talking about her new exciting third marriage,
one of the women asked "what happened?"
She replied, Well, my first husband was a doctor and all he wanted to do was examine it.
My second husband was a lawyer and all he wanted to do was talk to it.
Then I married a hot rod mechanic, he tore into it on the first night and has been working on it ever since.

Bob walked into a sports bar around 5:58 PM. He sat down next to
a very attractive blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 6 PM
news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man
on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
"You know, I reckon he'll jump," said Bob.
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
The blonde placed her money on the bar and kept watching
the scene on the telly. The guy on the ledge did a swan dive
off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM
news, so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.

One for you oldies out there...

Many years ago, (when I wore a younger man’s clothes,) I used to go out welding cow-sheds over the winter months for various builders. (It’s called ‘cash-flow’,) and on one particular job the son of friends of ours was working there too.
The son of Mary and Phillip Beer, they’d named him ‘Edward’. That was mean and thoughtless of them.. (Which is an indication of the calibre/IQ of our friends.) Of course he got called ‘Teddy’

Teddy was a drainlayer by trade, and the terrain on this particular site was pretty boney; so there was a lot of pick and shovel work for him to do.

One afternoon, after 3:00 smokeoh (a Downunder term for morning and afternoon tea breaks,) Teddy and I came out of the caravan together.
“Look at that,” said Teddy, pointing, “some rotten mongrel has nicked my pick!”
And sure enough; it was gone. Vanished entirely.
“Aha!” I said. “What’s today?”
“Tuesday,” said Teddy.
“That explains it;” I replied, “Tuesday’s the day the Teddy Beers have their picks nicked…”

I suppose it's about time I told this story...I've kept quiet about it for years...but now I think it can finally come out...it was a long time ago...


It all started when my sister and brother-in-law bought a ten acre block up Valley Road in Paraparaumu, and needed it fenced into smaller paddocks.
They got a quote from a local fencing contractor for $180 per chain, (a chain is a lineal measure; 1 chain = 66 ft.,) which they thought rather excessive, so asked me for my opinion.
Being young and dumb, and proud of my fencing skills, I offered to do it for them for nothing...and hey; that's what you do for family.
So She and I loaded my fencing gear into the car and headed for Paraparaumu expecting to knock the job out in a week or so.

Oh boy! Was I in for a surprise!

In my land I'd budget on 35 minutes for a strainer hole, another 35 mins. for stay and plate, and 5 mins. per post hole.
Whereas their land is all rotten rock...every hole had to be dug with a crowbar; if I got two strainer/stay assemblies in in a day I was doing well.
So the job took much longer than anticipated.
But my farm had to be run at the same time...so I sent She back home (with the car,) while I stayed on to fence the block up, sleeping in the wee shed on the property.
I soon found there were some things I really needed for creature comfort, so I started making a wee list for 'stuff' I needed to buy from down in the village.
1) Soup. Versatile stuff, and easy to prepare on the wee gas burner I'd brought with me.

2) A cauli. I really love my veges, and cauliflower is one of my favourites.

3) Fridge. Gotta have somewhere to keep my cauli...and my beer!

4) Elastic. The elastic band in one pair of my dacks had given out, and they were bunching around my crotch...most uncomfortable.

5) Eggs. They too are versatile...scramble them, fry them, poach them...all good.

6) Peas. Yep...love my veges.

7) Halitosis. Not expecting to be here long, I hadn't brought enough tooth-paste...and it's got pretty bad when you spit on the grass and it shrivels in a puff of smoke.

So I set off on the ten mile walk to town, intending to get a local courier to bring these things (and me,) back up to Valley Rd.
I was about half way there when I realised I'd left my list behind, so I started chanting it under my breath so that I wouldn't forget anything.
One of the locals, driving to town himself, saw me walking and stopped to give me a lift.
(He was English, or French, or Belgian, or some other sort of overstayer.)
"What's that you're saying?" he asked.
So I told him.
"Soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis."
"Hmm," he said. "I think I can do something with that. Soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, peas, halitosis. Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious. Soup a cauli fridge elastic eggs peas halitosis!"

So now you know how it came about.
And I first put those words to paper.

groan...



HAH!

An ex-neighbour of mine, Bert Prescott, was a man who really loved tractors. He collected them, he drove them around town, He collected books on tractors, he went to tractor shows, he loved anything to do with tractors.
One day, at a tractor show, he got hit by a tractor and was severely injured. After months in the hospital and rehab, he finally got his life back on track, but now he hated tractors.
He sold every tractor he owned and vowed never to have anything to do with tractors ever again.
One day he was walking past a burning house with people trapped inside. There was so much smoke that the fire-fighters couldn't get in.
So Bert walked up to the house and with a huge breath, sucked all the smoke out, long enough for the fire-fighters to enter and save the people.

Afterwards, a fireman said to him "Bert, that was amazing! How did you do it?"
He replied, "I'm an ex-tractor fan."


(That's a true story. Would I lie to you?)

Lie? Never...

Exaggerate??? Certainly!

I got this in my mail today.
I didn't write it; but oh boy I wish I had!
It's too good to not share:




A lot of monkeys lived near a village.
One day a merchant came to the village to buy these monkeys!
He announced that he will buy the monkeys @ $100 each.
The villagers thought that this man is mad.
They thought how can somebody buy stray monkeys at $100 each?
Still, some people caught some monkeys and gave it to this merchant and he gave $100 for each monkey.
This news spread like wildfire and people caught monkeys and sold them to the merchant.
After a few days, the merchant announced that he will buy monkeys @ $200 each.
The villagers then ran around to catch the remaining monkeys!
They sold the remaining monkeys @ $200 each.
Then the merchant announced that he will buy monkeys @ $500 each!
The villagers start to lose sleep! ... They caught six or seven monkeys, which was all that was left and got $500 each.
The villagers were waiting anxiously for the next announcement.
Then the merchant announced that he is going home for a week. And when he returns, he will buy monkeys @ $1000 each!
He asked his employee to take care of the monkeys he bought. He was alone taking care of all the monkeys in a cage.
The merchant went home.

The villagers were very sad as there were no more monkeys left for them to sell at $1000 each.
Then the employee told them that he will sell some monkeys @ $700 each secretly.
This news spread like fire. Since the merchant buys monkey @ $1000 each, there is a $300 profit for each monkey.
The next day, the villagers made a queue near the monkey cage.
The employee sold all the monkeys at $700 each. The rich bought monkeys in big lots. The poor borrowed money from money lenders and also bought monkeys!
The villagers took care of their monkeys & waited for the merchant to return. 😕

But nobody came! ... Then they ran to the employee...

But he had already left too !

The villagers then realised that they have bought the useless stray monkeys @ $700 each and are unable to sell them!

The Bitcoin will be the next monkey business

It will make a lot of people bankrupt and a few people filthy rich this monkey business.

That's how it will work.

John, you're going to make me groan, yet.

.

This rude woman looked at my beer belly the other night and said “Is that Tui or Lion?”
I replied “There’s a tap underneath; taste it and find out.”


I told a girl in the pub the other day I could tell what day of the week she was born just by fondling her boobs.
“Really?” she asked. “Go on then; try!”
After two minutes she got impatient, and said “Come on, what day was I born?”
I said “Yesterday.”


I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool. The lifeguard shouted so loudly I nearly fell in.

A Kiwi bloke, a little guy, was sitting in a bar in Christchurch when this huge burly Australian walks in. As he passes the Kiwi he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.
The big Aussie says: “That’s a karate hop from Korea.”
The Kiwi says nothing, gets back on his barstool, and resumes drinking his beer.
The Aussie gets up to go to the bathroom and as he walks by the Kiwi hits him on the other side of the neck knocking him to the floor again.
“That’s a judo chop from Japan,” he says. The Kiwi decides he’s had enough of this and leaves.
Half an hour later he’s back again and sees the Aussie sitting on his barstool; so walks up behind him, and with one blow knocks him to the floor, out cold.
The Kiwi turns to the barman and says: “When he come to; tell him that was a crowbar from Bunnings.”

My friend has 2 tickets for the 2018 Daytona 500, both box seats. He paid $2,000 for both tickets, but he didn't realize when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. It's at St Anthony's church, Cambridge Ma.@ 3pm. Her name is Connie, she is 5'6 about 140lbs, good cook too. She'll be the one in the white dress...

A wedding, divorce,and funeral all in one day.

Did you hear about the guy who was charged with murdering a man with sandpaper?
He really intended to just rough him up a bit.


Then there was the apprentice who got caught drinking brake fluid.
His boss told him to be careful he didn’t get addicted; but he said he could stop any time.


A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use two people remembering the same things.


In my experience you need only two tools in the workshop. WD 40 if it doesn’t move and it should, and duct tape if it does move and shouldn’t.


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!"

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.