Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, But she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?

"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."

So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and saute'd them for her dinner.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful.



Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, she watched the dog.

The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear,



"Mum, Spot is dead."

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible,


Called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.



I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.

We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine.


Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.

The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and said,

"Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the

Living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum.....


"I can't believe that guy!"

"What guy?"

"You know, that bastard who ran over Spot;

He never even slowed down."

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 10 foot
man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.’

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, ‘Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’

‘No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,’ said Leroy.

The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?’

No thanks, I don’t want it,’ answered Leroy.

The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well, Leroy, then what do you want?’

Leroy said, ‘I want the name of the Sumbich who pushed me in the pool!’

She lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street

and up my driveway.

She knocked on my front door...

I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says,

"I just got home, and I am so horny!

I have this strong urge to have a good time,

get drunk, and make love all night long!

Are you busy tonight?"


I immediately replied,

"Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good!

In that case, could you please watch my dog?"






MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,

'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours. The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,

How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,

'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.' The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last week

when I asked if I could please borrow a newspaper.


"This is the 21st century, old fart," my son said.

"We don't waste money on newspapers anymore.

Here, you can borrow my iPad."

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I tell ya, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...........!

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery.
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?
The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie." I will definitely win the election.

The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.
I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one.
Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"

Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"

I know we're supposed to keep politics out of it but that last one was too good to pass up.


Jack.

Ya know the difference between roast beef and pea soup



anybody can roast beef

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. Kenneth," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.

"I have three questions," he says.

"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?

"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?

"And, third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.

Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.

"Johnny," he says.

"And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.

"I have five questions," he says.

"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?

"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?

"Third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?

"Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

"And, fifth -- where's Kenneth?"

A new look at emergency fuse materials....

Glen I could get a real bang out of the 350 amp choice!

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I found this definition in my Oxford English Reference Dictionary:

trumpery n and adj (pl ies) 1 a worthless finery b a worthless article 2 rubbish adj 1 showy but worthless (trumpery jewels) 2 delusive, shallow (trumpery argument) [ME f of tromperie f tromper deceive]

Hmmm...

A man died and went to Heaven.

As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on
earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton's clocks?" asked the man.

St. Peter replied, "We're using them as ceiling fans."

I'am shure you have herd about the self driving cars by now but have you herd about the self flying airliners the only have a pilot and a dog the job of the pilot is to feed the dog and the job for the dog is to bite the pilot if touches the controls