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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #3076
    fitzwilly's Avatar
    fitzwilly is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down......
    The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
    "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
    "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that
    have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could
    you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble"
    "I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
    So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and
    off they went.
    Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!
    There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
    With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
    "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
    "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
    NTFDAY, TOW'D, Rrumbler and 2 others like this.

  2. #3077
    RestoRod's Avatar
    RestoRod is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
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    Sing this to the Julie Andrews tune from Sounds of Music - "My Favourite Things"


    Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
    Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
    Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
    Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
    Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
    When the knees go bad,
    I simply remember my favorite things,
    And then I don't feel so bad.

    Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
    No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
    Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,

    These are a few of my favorite things.

    Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
    Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
    And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
    When we remember our favorite things.

    When the joints ache, When the hips break,
    When the eyes grow dim,
    Then I remember the great life I've had,
    And then I don't feel so bad.
    NTFDAY, Rrumbler, stovens and 1 others like this.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  3. #3078
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    I had to borrow these


    I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

    My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Heather.

    Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 15th anniversary.

    My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

    My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

    The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said, "We'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the end of the driveway."
    NTFDAY, Rrumbler, pepi and 1 others like this.

  4. #3079
    pepi's Avatar
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    Robot Story:

    A father buys a robot lie detector

    that slaps people when they lie.
    He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

    The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
    The son says, "I did some schoolwork."


    The robot slaps the son.
    The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house
    watching movies."

    DAD ASKS, "WHAT MOVIE DID YOU WATCH?"

    Son says, "Toy Story."
    The robot slaps the son.


    Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
    Dad says, "What? At your age, I didn't even know what porn was."
    The robot slaps the father.


    Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son!"
    The robot slaps the mother.


    ROBOT FOR SALE.
    Rrumbler, stovens and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    I have two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it

    Best viewed loud:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmmyMGQojzI

  5. #3080
    fitzwilly's Avatar
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    -At my age I realize that:


    1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
    2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
    3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop antagonizing me.
    4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
    5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
    6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation.
    7. The day the world runs out of ice cream is just too terrible to think about.
    8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!
    9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
    10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
    11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
    12. At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

  6. #3081
    Rrumbler is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Geez, Fitz, that's not a joke, those are facts of life, and more applicable to each day as they come along. I got in hot water for number two this morning; my Bride said something, and I "rolled my eyes out loud"; I didn't mean to, but that's the way it worked out, and now I'm in self imposed time out with the computer for company.

    .
    Rrumbler, Aka: Hey you, "Old School", Hairy, and other unsavory monickers.

    Twistin' and bangin' on stuff for about sixty or so years; beat up and busted, but not entirely dead - yet.

  7. #3082
    fitzwilly's Avatar
    fitzwilly is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Been there.
    Done that.
    You have my sympathy.
    stovens likes this.

  8. #3083
    stovens's Avatar
    stovens is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    This will no doubt put Coke out of business in the near future…!

    The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
    It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
    Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink.
    Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
    Thought for the day...There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
    This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
    Rrumbler, 34_40 and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

  9. #3084
    robot's Avatar
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 39 Ford Coupe, 32 Ford Roadster
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  10. #3085
    fitzwilly's Avatar
    fitzwilly is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 59 FORD FAIRLANE 500 GALAXIE
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    Walking Downtown . . .. . .

    So, I was walking downtown and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store."
    I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim book store, so I went in.

    As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye,
    but asked if he could help me.

    I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have
    a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding
    Muslims and illegal aliens?"

    The clerk said, "Kiss my ass, get out, and stay out!"

    I said, "Yes, that's the one! Do you have it in paperback?"


    .

  11. #3086
    pepi's Avatar
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    The good Pope

    The Pope and Hillary are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

    The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

    Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"

    So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage!

    AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

    Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
    I have two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it

    Best viewed loud:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmmyMGQojzI

  12. #3087
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    Removing..
    Last edited by Kiwidreamer; 06-18-2016 at 03:16 PM. Reason: in appropriate joke

  13. #3088
    firebird77clone's Avatar
    firebird77clone is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    This last post is rather unsophisticated and vulgar. more likely a good match for a biker forum.
    .
    Education is expensive. Keep that in mind, and you'll never be terribly upset when a project goes awry.
    EG

  14. #3089
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
    Kiwidreamer is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Quote Originally Posted by firebird77clone View Post
    This last post is rather unsophisticated and vulgar. more likely a good match for a biker forum.
    My apologies to the over sensitive, will remove.

  15. #3090
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    Quote Originally Posted by firebird77clone View Post
    This last post is rather unsophisticated and vulgar. more likely a good match for a biker forum.
    i was kinda shocked as well .. i had thought we had a post censor to **** certain words but i guess not .. oh well .. all is well ..
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

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