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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #2461
    MikeB's Avatar
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 56 F100 302-C4 Jag IRS
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    Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

    The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
    inside is numbered.'

    The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

    The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

    The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
    a few parts left over.'

    But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
    There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'
    .
    .
    Mike
    '56 Ford F100

  2. #2462
    fitzwilly's Avatar
    fitzwilly is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 59 FORD FAIRLANE 500 GALAXIE
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    Cletus& Billy Bob

    Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

    Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

    Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

    Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"

    "Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..

    "But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

    (Don't make me come splain this to you!
    Read the last line again, slowly.)




    Our government at work!


    A guy stopped at a local gas station & after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

    The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

    "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

    "Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

    "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

    "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut... so now it's just me an' Leroy. "
    Last edited by fitzwilly; 02-27-2013 at 09:35 AM. Reason: ADDED ANOTHER JOKE!
    lamin8r and Jack F like this.

  3. #2463
    42K3's Avatar
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1942 IH K3
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    Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no
    male employees. She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was
    completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.

    Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but, I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

    The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.."

    When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do. 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 per month in living expenses.
    lamin8r likes this.

  4. #2464
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1962 Ford Fairlane 2dr with 289
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    THE TINY CABIN

    A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the mountains of West Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

    "Anybody home?" she asked.

    "Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

    "Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

    "Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

    "Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

    "Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

    "But," protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation) "are you never together as a family?"

    "Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"
    lamin8r likes this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  5. #2465
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
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    For those of us who watch what we eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to finally know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

    1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    2. Mexicans eat alot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    5. Germans drink alot of beer and eat lots of sausage and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    CONCLUSION: Eat and drink whatever you like. Speaking English is apprently what kills you.
    pepi, 34_40 and IC2 like this.

  6. #2466
    pepi's Avatar
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    Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

    Here is a little test that will help you decide.

    The answer can be found by posing the following question:
    You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
    Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife
    comes around the corner,
    locks eyes with you,
    screams obscenities,
    raises the knife, and charges at you.
    You are carrying a
    Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

    What do you do?

    THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:


    Democrat's Answer:

    ·Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!· What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?· Does the man look poor or oppressed?· Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?·Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?· Could we run away?·What does my wife think?· What about the kids?· Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife outof his hand?· What does the law say about this situation?· Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?· Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?· Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?· Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?· If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?· Should I call 9-1-1?· Why is this street so deserted?· We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.· Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.· I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.· This is all so confusing!.



    Republican's Answer:



    BANG!





    Southerner's Answer:


    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

    BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!


    Click. (Sounds of reloading)

    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

    BANG!

    BANG!

    BANG!

    Click



    Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'

    'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!

    Son: Can I shoot the next one?!

    Wife: You are NOT taking that to a Taxidermist!
    I have two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it

    Best viewed loud:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmmyMGQojzI

  7. #2467
    jerry clayton's Avatar
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    I got the perfect knife for a situation like that---got a 9 3/4(10inch?) blade and its attached to the pointy end of an M1Garand
    t-top havoc likes this.

  8. #2468
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    Pepi,,we have the exact story,(albeit,the Southerners last two lines) on the police station wall,here in Inglewood,,in stead of Demo,Republican,and Southerner,it's NZ police,Aussie police,and US police.. How true...
    Micah 6:8

    If we aren't supposed to have midnight snacks,,,WHY is there a light in the refrigerator???

    Robin.

  9. #2469
    MelloYello's Avatar
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    "Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
    "No," replied her husband.
    She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
    "Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
    "Uh, no," he said.
    She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
    "Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 60,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
    "No," he said, now really intrigued.
    "Well, go look in the garage..."
    pepi likes this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  10. #2470
    pepi's Avatar
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    Got a ticket the other day could not figure out why


    untitled.pnghillarious.jpg
    I have two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it

    Best viewed loud:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmmyMGQojzI

  11. #2471
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University ..

    Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.



    The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it!

    1.This is this cat.
    2. This is is cat.
    3. This is how cat.
    4. This is to cat.
    5. This is keep cat.
    6.. This is an cat.
    7. This is old cat.
    8. This is fart cat.
    9. This is busy cat.
    10. This is for cat.
    11. This is forty cat.
    12. This is seconds cat.

    Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
    I bet you cannot resist passing it on..

    .

    lamin8r and Jack F like this.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  12. #2472
    pepi's Avatar
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    Sending in your Taxes be advised
    irs.jpg
    cffisher and t-top havoc like this.
    I have two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it

    Best viewed loud:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmmyMGQojzI

  13. #2473
    MelloYello's Avatar
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    No Blonde Jokes Please !
    Y! SPORTS
    pepi likes this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  14. #2474
    stovens's Avatar
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    Hoot Hoot!
    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

  15. #2475
    stovens's Avatar
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    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

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