Welcome to Club Hot Rod!  The premier site for everything to do with Hot Rod, Customs, Low Riders, Rat Rods, and more. 

  •  » Members from all over the US and the world!
  •  » Help from all over the world for your questions
  •  » Build logs for you and all members
  •  » Blogs
  •  » Image Gallery
  •  » Many thousands of members and hundreds of thousands of posts! 

YES! I want to register an account for free right now!  p.s.: For registered members this ad will NOT show

 
Like Tree2715Likes

Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

Reply To Thread
Page 164 of 226 FirstFirst ... 64 114 154 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 174 214 ... LastLast
Results 2,446 to 2,460 of 3387
  1. #2446
    fitzwilly's Avatar
    fitzwilly is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    FLUSHING, MICHIGAN
    Car Year, Make, Model: 59 FORD FAIRLANE 500 GALAXIE
    Posts
    207

    Roger , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

    After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

    After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

    She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action' And, once more they enjoy each other.

    But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."

    Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already?"

    The moral of the story:

    Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

    P.S. Have I posted this already? I forget!
    lamin8r likes this.

  2. #2447
    HOSS429's Avatar
    HOSS429 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    New Market
    Posts
    2,404

    A couple of nights ago i was out with some buddies drinking some beer. After i had already gone past my limit i decided to top it all off with nice big maragarita, not my best idea.

    Knowing full well im well past the legal limit, i finaly make a good choice... I took a taxi home.

    Lucky thing i did, because on the way home i hit a police roadblock. Since im in a taxi however they waved the car right through.

    Ten minutes later im home safe and sound which was pretty surprising.

    Id never driven a taxi before, and no clue where i got it
    ted dehaan, lamin8r and Jack F like this.
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  3. #2448
    fitzwilly's Avatar
    fitzwilly is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    FLUSHING, MICHIGAN
    Car Year, Make, Model: 59 FORD FAIRLANE 500 GALAXIE
    Posts
    207

    Punography

    I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

    When chemists die, they barium.

    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

    A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

    I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.

    They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

    A dyslexic man walks into a bra and ordered a martini.

    Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

    Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

    Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

    Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

    What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

    I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

    Broken pencils are pointless.

    What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

    All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

    Velcro - what a rip off!

    Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

    Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

    I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

    Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

  4. #2449
    IC2
    IC2 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    UPSTATE New York
    Posts
    4,336

    30th anniversary

     



    When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box
    under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

    In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the
    afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and
    she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

    She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew
    what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was
    such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a
    special anniversary dinner.

    After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she
    confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept
    my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today
    the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why
    do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

    Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
    deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an
    empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it
    again."

    Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am
    very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you
    are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that
    bad considering your problem."

    Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made
    their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you
    have all that money in the box?"

    Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box fills up with empty cans, I
    take them to the recycling center and redeem them for cash.
    ted dehaan, rspears and lamin8r like this.
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  5. #2450
    fitzwilly's Avatar
    fitzwilly is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    FLUSHING, MICHIGAN
    Car Year, Make, Model: 59 FORD FAIRLANE 500 GALAXIE
    Posts
    207

    Hollywood Squares:
    These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

    Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
    A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
    (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

    Q.Do female frogs croak?
    A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.

    Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
    A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

    Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
    A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

    Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
    A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

    Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
    A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.

    Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
    A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

    Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
    A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

    Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
    A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

    Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
    A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

    Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
    A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

    Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
    A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

    Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
    A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

    Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
    A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

    Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
    A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

    Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
    A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

    Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
    A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

    Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
    A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

    Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
    A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

    Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
    A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

    Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
    A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

    Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
    A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

    Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
    A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

    Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
    A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

    Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
    A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


    WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
    WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
    glennsexton, johnboy and lamin8r like this.

  6. #2451
    IC2
    IC2 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    UPSTATE New York
    Posts
    4,336

    Yep, another blond joke

     



    A local fella on his way to a meeting is driving down this country lane. He spots a rabbit on the edger of the road. Just as he is about to pass he is shocked to observe the rabbit hop into his path.

    Sure enough bump bump, he knows he has become the unintended executioner of our poor rabbit. He stops and walks back to the scene of the carnage. The rabbit is laying there utterly lifeless. The driver is torn whether to leave the scene as is or remove the rabbit for burial later. When along comes another motorist.

    The car stops and a rather stunning blond haired women comes over to the fella and asks if he is OK. Our fella explains what just occurred, expressing grief over the loss of a even a life so small as the rabbit's.

    The lady exclaims "I have just the thing for this" She pops her trunk and reaches into one of several boxes in there and retrieves what looks to be a spray can of sorts.

    She liberally sprays the rabbit for a few seconds and to the amazement of our distraught fella, the rabbit comes back to life, turns and begins hopping down the road away from the scene & every few hops, he stops, turns and waves back to the pair in the road. Our fella, truly amazed at this point query's the lady, "That was amazing, what is in that can?"

    Hair spray she replies, I am an Avon says the blond lady.

    "But how did that bring that poor rabbit back from the dead?" he asked.

    She holds up the can and reads.
    "Avon Supreme Rejuvenating Hair Spray"
    "Restores dead hair and installs a permanent wave"

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    lamin8r likes this.
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

  7. #2452
    fitzwilly's Avatar
    fitzwilly is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    FLUSHING, MICHIGAN
    Car Year, Make, Model: 59 FORD FAIRLANE 500 GALAXIE
    Posts
    207

    SIGN OF THE TIMES

    Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
    Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
    **************************
    In a Podiatrist's office:
    Time wounds all heels.
    **************************
    On a Septic Tank Truck:
    Yesterday's Meals on Wheels.
    **************************
    At an Optometrist's Office:
    If you don't see what you're looking for,
    you've come to the right place.
    **************************
    On a Plumber's truck:
    We repair what your husband fixed.
    **************************
    On another Plumber's truck:
    Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
    **************************
    At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
    Invite us to your next blowout.
    **************************
    At a Towing company:
    We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
    **************************
    On an Electrician's truck:
    Let us remove your shorts.
    **************************
    In a Non-smoking Area:
    If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
    **************************
    On a Maternity Room door:
    Push. Push. Push.
    **************************
    At a Car Dealership:
    The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment.
    **************************
    Outside a Muffler Shop:
    No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
    **************************
    In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
    Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
    **************************
    At the Electric Company
    We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
    However, if you don't, you will be.
    **************************
    In a Restaurant window:
    Don't stand there and be hungry;
    come on in and get fed up.
    **************************
    In the front yard of a Funeral Home
    Drive carefully. We'll wait.
    **************************
    At a Propane Filling Station:
    Thank heaven for little grills.
    **************************
    AT A CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
    Best place in town to take a leak.
    **************************
    On the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
    Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises.
    lamin8r likes this.

  8. #2453
    MelloYello's Avatar
    MelloYello is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Montgomery
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1962 Ford Fairlane 2dr with 289
    Posts
    9,934

    Like a lot of Americans, I decided to buy another gun today but
    there was a bit of confusion at Academy this morning.
    When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and
    bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

    Making a mental note to complain to the local newspaper about
    the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

    When the hysterical shrieking had finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

    I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

    They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
    pepi and lamin8r like this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  9. #2454
    34_40's Avatar
    34_40 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    New Bedford
    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 Ford 3W Coupe Replica
    Posts
    13,442

    Good one Mello! ROFL..

  10. #2455
    MelloYello's Avatar
    MelloYello is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Montgomery
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1962 Ford Fairlane 2dr with 289
    Posts
    9,934

    Thank ya Sir:

    My wife left me the other day
    Said she was going to get milk
    And she never came back

    I'm hanging in there
    And doing pretty good
    I've been using that powdered stuff
    cffisher and lamin8r like this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  11. #2456
    billy zz is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    farmington new mexico
    Car Year, Make, Model: 27 CHEVY P/U
    Posts
    742

    A doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty the next day. No matter how hard he tried to forget about it, his shame was overwhelming. However, he'd hear a reassuring voice in his head that said, "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to have sex with one of his patients. Then he would hear another voice in his head say: "You are a sick SOB," it whispered, "and a terrible veterinarian!"
    a hot rod is whatever i decide it is.

  12. #2457
    pepi's Avatar
    pepi is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Woodstock
    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 quick & fun a carnival ride on wheels
    Posts
    1,060

    Math 2013

     



    The Population of this country is 310 million.

    160 Million are retired.


    That leaves 140 million to do the Work.


    There are 85 million in school.


    Which leaves 55 million to do the work.


    Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal
    Government.


    Leaving 20 million to do the work.


    2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied


    With killing TERRORISTS. Which leaves 17.2
    Million to do the work.


    Take from that total the 15.8 Million people who work
    for state and city Governments.


    That leaves 1.4 million to do the work.


    At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.


    Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.


    With 1,211,998 people in prisons.


    That leaves just two people to do the Work.


    You and me.

    And there You are,

    Sitting on your ass,


    At your computer, reading jokes


    Nice.......... Real nice.
    MikeB and lamin8r like this.
    I have two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it

    Best viewed loud:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmmyMGQojzI

  13. #2458
    pepi's Avatar
    pepi is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Woodstock
    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 quick & fun a carnival ride on wheels
    Posts
    1,060
    I have two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it

    Best viewed loud:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmmyMGQojzI

  14. #2459
    fitzwilly's Avatar
    fitzwilly is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    FLUSHING, MICHIGAN
    Car Year, Make, Model: 59 FORD FAIRLANE 500 GALAXIE
    Posts
    207

    Amazing!!! All of the cards in the first set are gone!
    Replaced with different cards of different suits (one missing, of course)
    in the second set! What a magician!
    (I’m no ordinary dummy!)
    Last edited by fitzwilly; 02-16-2013 at 04:38 PM.
    rspears likes this.

  15. #2460
    IC2
    IC2 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    UPSTATE New York
    Posts
    4,336

    Doctors vs Gun Owners

     



    Number of physicians in the US = 700,000
    Accidental deaths caused by physicians/year =120,000.
    Accidental deaths/physician = 0.171

    Number of gun owners in US = 80,000,000
    Number of accidental gun deaths/year = 1500
    Accidental deaths/gun owner =.0000188

    Conclusion - Doctors are approximately 9000 times more dangerous than gun owners!
    34_40, lamin8r and Jack F like this.
    Dave W
    I am now gone from this forum for now - finally have pulled the plug

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Links monetized by VigLink