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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #3046
    rspears's Avatar
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    Pre-Med Test Question
    Rearrange the following letters to form the body part that performs best when rigid and upright, while maintaining a degree of flexibility.

    PESIN


    Those that answered "SPINE" are writing prescriptions today. The rest of us work on cars, pipes, or other forms of mental/physical labor.
    Rrumbler, stovens, lamin8r and 2 others like this.
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  2. #3047
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    WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

    A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
    The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
    a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

    He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
    man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
    The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
    wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
    sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath!'

    The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned!'
    Then returned to his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
    'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
    How long have you had arthritis?'

    The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
    I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

  3. #3048
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Paso , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.


    As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.


    The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
    "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
    The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said,
    "No, I never did dance... Never really wanted to.."


    A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,
    "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.


    The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.


    Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
    When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.


    The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
    The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

    The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
    The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
    The silence was almost deafening.


    The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels.
    The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"


    The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir...... But.. I've always wanted to."

  4. #3049
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    Allah be praised!!!

    A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold.

    When he arrived there he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his 72 virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.

    Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because people like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. And since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"

    The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

    Allah replied, "Who told you they were women?"
    lamin8r, CR55 and 40FordDeluxe like this.

  5. #3050
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    A student asked his english professor, “what is the definition of a dilemma?"

    the professor said, “well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that."

    "imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful aroused naked young woman on one side and an excited gay man on the other."

    "who are you going to turn your back on?"
    lamin8r, 40FordDeluxe and Mudduck3 like this.

  6. #3051
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    There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Shanghai , I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her to make arrangements.

    She got excited and said: “sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh" Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!

    But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said :



    666136429
    ted dehaan, 34_40, lamin8r and 1 others like this.

  7. #3052
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    Bloke goes to Thailand and picks up a lovely new wife.

    A year later his mate at the golf club asks “How’s that lovely wife you picked up in Thailand ?”

    “She died – rather suddenly”

    “Oh I am sorry – what happened?”




    “Prostate cancer”

  8. #3053
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    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"

    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of The night."

    She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
    John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.

    The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking pals on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.."

    She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me-self. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."
    34_40, lamin8r and 40FordDeluxe like this.

  9. #3054
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    THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

    1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

    2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

    3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

    4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

    5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

    6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

    7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

    8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

    9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

    10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

    11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

    12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

    13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

    14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

    15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

    16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

    17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

    18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

    19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
    Rrumbler, 34_40, lamin8r and 3 others like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  10. #3055
    Rrumbler is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Those made me laugh, Glen, thanks. So, it appears that stupidity is not exclusive to Americans, as many would like us to think, huh?

    .
    glennsexton and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    Rrumbler, Aka: Hey you, "Old School", Hairy, and other unsavory monickers.

    Twistin' and bangin' on stuff for about sixty or so years; beat up and busted, but not entirely dead - yet.

  11. #3056
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    Whatever you do - go to the bathroom before you watch this or you will wet your pants!!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DkQlmoF0XIE
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  12. #3057
    johnboy is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rrumbler View Post
    , it appears that stupidity is not exclusive to Americans,

    .
    My word no!
    Stupidity is Universal.
    We've got people here in NZ that are so stupid they can put their trousers on back-to-front and never notice until they want to pee.
    How do I know this?

    I've employed some of them!
    johnboy
    Mountain man.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to be made only once.

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    '64 A.C. Cobra replica. Ford 429, C6 auto, Torana ifs, Jaguar irs.

  13. #3058
    rspears's Avatar
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    Fears....

     



    Posted by our friend, Ken Thurm on FB....

    Fear of the Wurst.jpg
    Rrumbler, stovens, lamin8r and 1 others like this.
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  14. #3059
    36 sedan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by johnboy View Post
    My word no!
    Stupidity is Universal.
    We've got people here in NZ that are so stupid they can put their trousers on back-to-front and never notice until they want to pee.
    How do I know this?

    I've employed some of them!
    Imagine the panic that sets in as they realize they have put on a pair of defective pants??

  15. #3060
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    The Pope goes to New York, and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

    The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."

    But the Pope persists, "Please?"

    The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope."

    So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

    Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

    Chief: What sort of problem?

    Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.

    Chief: Important like the mayor?

    Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

    Chief: Important like the governor?

    Cop: Way more important than that.

    Chief: Like the president?

    Cop: Much more important.

    Chief: "Who's more important than the president?"

    Cop: "I don't know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"
    lamin8r and 40FordDeluxe like this.
    It is easy to make a small fortune in Hot Rods. Just start with a large one.......

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