Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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I always knock on my fridge door before opening it.


Just in case there's a salad dressing in there.

* I have often wanted to drown my troubles but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
* My wife made me coffee this morning and winked at me when she handed me the cup. I've never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
* Sex before marriage is considered a sin, and after marriage, a miracle.
* My wife just stopped me and said "You weren't even listening to me." I thought "That's a strange way to start a conversation."
* Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
* When I farted she left. Gone with the wind!
* As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible but brassing them off is a piece of cake.
*My wife told me that if stupid could fly, I'd be a jet.
* There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is , once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.
* The police just pulled me over and said "Papers." I said "Scissors, I win." And drove off. I think he wants a rematch. He's been chasing me for 45 minutes.
* My favourite part of the marathon is watching the runners reactions when they grab my plastic cup of vodka.
* I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could go in and have a look around. They said "No." and slammed the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
* She said she missed me. Normally that would be good but she is reloading.
* "I ran into my ex yesterday"
"What did she say?"
"I don't know. I just kept on driving."
* You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat she's probably very upset.
* You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after winning a tennis game? That's not allowed in bowling. I know that now.
* Seeing how some people wear their masks, I now understand how contraceptives fail.
* "Why isn't John at work today?"
"He's in hospital."
"But I'm sure I saw him dancing with a lovely girl last night."
"So did his wife."
* Notice on the side of a van 'We fix what your husband fixed.'
* I went to visit a psychic and knocked on her door. She yelled "Who is it?" So I left.
'Cracker' joke
Q. What do you call 100 little sheep rolling down a hill?

A. A lamb slide.

A friend of mine, an optician, drank waaay too much last night and made a spectacle of himself.

Originally Posted by johnboy

A friend of mine, an optician, drank waaay too much last night and made a spectacle of himself.

I don't see it that way..

Originally Posted by 34_40

I don't see it that way..

No?
Well he wasn't looking too flash the next morning.
So I kept an eye on him.

Hmmmmm - I can relate.

The Geography of a Woman as she ages:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially
for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece.
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain.
With a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel.
Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice,
and takes care of business .

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada.
Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 100, a man is like North Korea and Russia.
Ruled by a pair of nuts!

Saw this, and immediately thought it was something we'd see from johnboy, but then I cannot say that he wasn't the author!! If not, I'll dedicate it to him!
-
Staggering.jpg

Originally Posted by rspears

Saw this, and immediately thought it was something we'd see from johnboy, but then I cannot say that he wasn't the author!! If not, I'll dedicate it to him!
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Attachment 74481

Not my handiwork; but I will post it on another site I'm on.
And take the credit.
I like it.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the night, the bartender thinks that nothing could possibly top the first trick so he agrees.

The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.

"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."

The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.

"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."

The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.

The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded.

"That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"

"Don't worry about it." the man answered.

"The frog was really nothing special.

You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

The optimist says:
“The glass is half full.”

The pessimist says:
“The glass is half empty.”

The engineer says:
“The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.”

Originally Posted by glennsexton

The optimist says:
“The glass is half full.”

The pessimist says:
“The glass is half empty.”

The engineer says:
“The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.”

Nah...that's more like what a bureaucrat would say.

A lady walked into the local coffee shop and sat down in a booth behind one occupied by 3 men. She could not help but to hear their conversation, and as they continued, she realized that they were trying to spell a word.

First guy; I think it's spelled "whoom"

Second guy; No, no, I think there's some "R's" on the end; like "whoombrrrr"

Third guy, nope you're close but I think still wrong. I think it's spelled "wuuuuuum"

The lady could not help becoming amused as she realized what they were trying to spell. She got up to leave, turned to face them and said with a superior air; Gentlemen, I think you'll find that it's spelled "womb"! And she turned on her heel and strode our of the coffee shop with a smug smile on her face, triumphant that she got the best of 3 men. They watched in silence as she left.

First guy; Do you think she knew what she was talking about?

Second guy; Hah! I doubt it!

Third guy; I agree. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart.

I'm reading a book on antigravity.

I can't put it down.