Welcome to Club Hot Rod!  The premier site for everything to do with Hot Rod, Customs, Low Riders, Rat Rods, and more. 

  •  » Members from all over the US and the world!
  •  » Help from all over the world for your questions
  •  » Build logs for you and all members
  •  » Blogs
  •  » Image Gallery
  •  » Many thousands of members and hundreds of thousands of posts! 

YES! I want to register an account for free right now!  p.s.: For registered members this ad will NOT show

 
Like Tree5006Likes

Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

Reply To Thread
Page 163 of 267 FirstFirst ... 63 113 153 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 173 213 263 ... LastLast
Results 2,431 to 2,445 of 4003
  1. #2431
    Mudduck3's Avatar
    Mudduck3 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Long Beach
    Car Year, Make, Model: 65 Mustang
    Posts
    98

    A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating."

    The teacher says, "No, I said, 'fascinate.'"

    Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life."

    The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."

    Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."

  2. #2432
    Mudduck3's Avatar
    Mudduck3 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Long Beach
    Car Year, Make, Model: 65 Mustang
    Posts
    98

    Another Lil' Johnny Joke . . .


    Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

    Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."

    Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.

    Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"


  3. #2433
    MelloYello's Avatar
    MelloYello is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Montgomery
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1962 Ford Fairlane 2dr with 289
    Posts
    9,934

    As we slowly move through retirement, we need to keep ourselves occupied with small projects.........Like this guy.





    I know, I saw it right away too.... No safety glasses or hearing protection.

    And I caught something else that is really important: he has no gloves on.

    I might be up in age but I am still sharp as a tack.
    glennsexton and Jack F like this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  4. #2434
    Mudduck3's Avatar
    Mudduck3 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Long Beach
    Car Year, Make, Model: 65 Mustang
    Posts
    98

    O.K. . . . One more, then Lil' Johnny's gotta go home!!


    Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex and asks, "What are you doing?"

    His father says, "We're playing cards, and your mother is my wild card."

    A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father masturbating. He asks, "What are you doing?"

    His father says, "I'm playing cards."

    "Where's your wild card?" Johnny asks.

    His father replies, "Son, you don't need one when you've got a good hand."

  5. #2435
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    797

    Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

    One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

    The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

    The first old lady asks, "What do you do about It?"

    The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

    After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

  6. #2436
    Jack F's Avatar
    Jack F is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Caldwell
    Car Year, Make, Model: 34 ford 3 window/461 pontiac
    Posts
    914

    Little Jimmy tells his little sister Betty one morning: "we almost lost mommy last night. I heard some loud moaning coming from mommy and daddy's bedroom so I went in, there was mommy with her arms and legs up in the air screaming 'Lord I'm coming I'm coming', if it wern't for daddy holding her down we'd have lost her for sure"

    Jack.
    www.clubhotrod.com/forums/showthread.php?t=44081

  7. #2437
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    797

    On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

    In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

    This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

    Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

    During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

    It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

    Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

    She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

    Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

    That's when she shot him.

    You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut

    Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

    __________________
    johnboy likes this.

  8. #2438
    HOSS429's Avatar
    HOSS429 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    New Market
    Posts
    2,590

    three birds are sitting on a power line .. bird # 1 says " my instincts tell me to head south for the winter .... bird # 2 says " my instincts tell me to head west for the winter ... bird # 3 says ..." my end stinks to but it dont tell me to go nowhere !!
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  9. #2439
    stovens's Avatar
    stovens is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Petaluma
    Car Year, Make, Model: 48 Ford F1
    Posts
    9,778

    Got this one in an Email.



    lamin8r and Jack F like this.
    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

  10. #2440
    MelloYello's Avatar
    MelloYello is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Montgomery
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1962 Ford Fairlane 2dr with 289
    Posts
    9,934

    I just received my sale papers today (whoopie - NOT)

    Anyhow, I particularly noticed this Ad from Kroger Foods.

    Either this "donor" pig ran into a brick wall and met his fate

    or stopped "way too fast" at one time or another.

    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  11. #2441
    MelloYello's Avatar
    MelloYello is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Montgomery
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1962 Ford Fairlane 2dr with 289
    Posts
    9,934

    One time a couple of World War II veterans, Dwayne and Lonnie, were attending a Reunion and Dwayne asked Lonnie.
    "Do you remember that stuff they used to put in our coffee during the War, to make us forget about women?"
    Lonnie replied "I think you mean salt peter."
    Dwayne answered, "Yep, that's the stuff. Well, I think it's finally beginning to work!"
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  12. #2442
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Tigard
    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
    Posts
    2,581

    Ollie bumps into his long lost friend Sven on the streets of Poulsbo. After greeting each other warmly Ollie asks “So now Sven, how is your lovely vife Greetta?” to which Sven replies, “Oh my vife – she’s died.”

    “No!” exclaims Ollie. “From vhat did she die?” “Well,” say’s Sven, “she died from the gongarea.”

    “No vhay! This is America and no von dies from the gongaria!” protests Ollie.

    “Well – dey do vhen dey give it to me…..”
    34_40, lamin8r and Jack F like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  13. #2443
    42K3's Avatar
    42K3 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Redmond
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1942 IH K3
    Posts
    508

    As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.

    He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
    At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

    All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

    While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows.
    Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
    The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one.

    I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another,
    I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
    Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine,
    but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine
    so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

    The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
    glennsexton, 34_40 and lamin8r like this.

  14. #2444
    MelloYello's Avatar
    MelloYello is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Montgomery
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1962 Ford Fairlane 2dr with 289
    Posts
    9,934

    TOW'D and lamin8r like this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  15. #2445
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    797

    Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

    One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" The other said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!".

    "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman. Again the deaf one said, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" and the other explains, "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

    Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" and the other "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LARD JESUS! - BOTH OF US????"

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Links monetized by VigLink