Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ..."Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land !!!

A couple were driving through the countryside in the winter. They slowed for a road obstruction and realized it was a mama skunk and her babies that had been run over. The woman noticed one little tiny baby skunk still walking in circles and had her husband stop to rescue it. When they got out, the tiny skunk was nearly frozen. The woman said, quick, lets get in the car and get this poor creature thawed out. The husband suggested she put the little fellow high up between her legs to get quick heat to his little body. She says, but what about the stinky smell? The husband says, just hold his little nose for awhile until he thaws out, he'll be okay.

LMAO - - - note to self: dear Self, after you wipe off the monitor screen, remember not to open the joke thread without clearing all liquids from your mouth first.

An older man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Cathy asked him if there was anything wrong.

'Yes, Nurse Cathy,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am
very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Cathy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Cathy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Cathy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You're gonna love this.)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

Ha Ha....good one.

another Oldie but Goodie
A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle." said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first. He told the preacher he hadn't ridden a bicycle in a long time and wasn't sure he could still ride one.

The preacher told him, "Just keep trying. It'll come back to you."

After riding the bike around a little while, the little boy said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to you."

Bin Laden's Afterlife Surprise
After getting nailed, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

One morning a Wife noticed her husband stalking thru the house wiith a rolled up newpaper.

"What are you doing?" she asked
"Hunting" he replied
"What are you hunting?" she said
"Flys" he answered
"Any luck?" she asked
"Yes, I've killed 3 males and 2 females" he boasted
"How can you tell the difference between a male and female?" she asked
"3 were on beer cans and 2 were on the phone !" he replied

(Delete if necessary)

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills..

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I just sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

Cute!!

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening. "

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one, and asked Him to forgive me....

Marrying a woman for sex is like buying a tiger for transportation.

I used to have a big gay following... but I ducked down an alley and lost him.

I had a very close relationship with this other kid growing up; I was his imaginary friend.

So I'm in a bar, nursing a beer... and my nipple's getting all soggy....

I've learned about women the hard way (through books)

My mom gave me one of those cloth calenders for my kitchen; took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment....

My nephew's computer beat me at chess...but it was no match for me at kick boxing!

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy....

I was married once. I had always wanted a beautiful, loving wife;
and she had always wanted to be a citizen....

Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose (except band together)

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mister Baseball (because of the stitches in my face).

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous...
waiting for those adoption papers to clear....

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.

I was born in Chicago. When I was 10, my parents moved to a suburb called
Downers Grove. When I was 12, I found them.

If someone strikes you, turn the other cheek! That way, the swelling comes out even.

Last summer I was in Provence shooting a documentary about a Frenchman with OCD who showers up to once a day....

I ran three miles today. Finally, I said, "Lady, keep your purse."

Last year I donated $ 10,000 to deprived inner-city kids. Not voluntarily....

So I'm in a bar, trying to undress this woman with my eyes... and I got my lashes caught in her zipper....

The Scots are the toughest guys in the world; they have drive-by head-buttings. (In Glasgow, a sweatband is considered a silencer.)

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited...placing bets...

I hate Indian givers. No, I take that back....

I'm in my fifties, but all day today I've felt like an 18 year old..... but, unfortunately, I didn't get one!

My wife said to me once, "I want to go on vacation, someplace I've never been".
I said, "Try the kitchen".

Man goes to a doctor. Doctor tells him he has six months to live. Man says he can't pay his bill. Doctor gave him another six months.

Television executives had to cancel plans for a new show "CSI Arkansas" when they discovered that all the DNA was the same..... and there were no dental records.

Finally, I'm a big Rodney Dangerfield fan........here are some of his:

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel .

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"
He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

And my Favorite: I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son..

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,
Vinnie

My wife and I recently traveled to Washington state for a vacation. We got to the airport on time and boarded our flight. Our plane was fully loaded except for one seat in the First Class section, which remained empty. A woman three rows behind us decided to try to claim that seat and walked forward and sat down in that First Class seat. When the flight attendant told her she would have to return to her seat in economy, she refused, saying “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to Seattle in First Class!” The attendant told her she wouldn’t be allowed to sit in First Class because she only paid for an economy ticket. “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to Seattle in First Class!” she again replied, refusing to give up her seat.
Not wanting to alert the Air Marshall that was aboard and possibly causing a scene in front of the other passengers, the attendant decided to speak directly to the Captain about this situation.
“Captain,” she said to the pilot, “There’s a situation in First Class and I’m not sure how to handle it.”
“What is it?” he asked.
“A woman from economy class has claimed a seat in First Class and refuses to move.”
“What is she saying?” asked the captain.
“Only that she’s blond, she’s beautiful, and she’s going to Seattle in First Class.”
“I think I know how to handle this,” said the captain, “I’ve dealt with this type of person before.” With that he rose from his pilot’s seat and approached the woman. “Ma’am,” he said, “you must return to your seat now, we can’t allow you to remain in this seat.”
With that, the woman again stated very firmly, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to Seattle in First Class!”
The Captain then leaned forward and whispered something in the woman’s ear and stood up.
“I see then,” she replied. She rose from the First Class seat and made her way back to the economy section and sat down.
“That was amazing!” said the astonished flight attendant. “What did you say to her?”
“I told her First Class wasn’t going to Seattle.”

Resto,there is,in Auckland,a septic tank truck business,and their name is McDonald...Do I need to tell you what is written on the back of their trucks??I will anyway......McDonalds Takeaways....

As seen on a large mobile drill rig, Barneys hole drilling....Your hole is our goal.