Welcome to Club Hot Rod!  The premier site for everything to do with Hot Rod, Customs, Low Riders, Rat Rods, and more. 

  •  » Members from all over the US and the world!
  •  » Help from all over the world for your questions
  •  » Build logs for you and all members
  •  » Blogs
  •  » Image Gallery
  •  » Many thousands of members and hundreds of thousands of posts! 

YES! I want to register an account for free right now!  p.s.: For registered members this ad will NOT show

 
Like Tree2680Likes

Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

Reply To Thread
Page 200 of 226 FirstFirst ... 100 150 190 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 210 ... LastLast
Results 2,986 to 3,000 of 3377
  1. #2986
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    649

    This teenage girl wanted her boyfriend to get her a Mexican hairless dog for her birthday. He looked everywhere and couldn't find one, so he gets her a schnauzer. After a few days she decides to get some hair remover and take all the dog's hair off. So she gets on her moped and goes to the drugstore.

    She tells the druggist she needs some hair remover. He said "I have some really good stuff here, but if you put it on your legs you won't be able to wear nylons for a day or two." She said "It's not for my legs."

    He said "well, if you use it under your arms you might have to hold your arms out from your side for a couple of days."

    She said "It's not for under my arms, it's for my schnauzer." He said "Damn honey, if you put this stuff on your schnauzer you won't be able to ride that honda for a week."
    Rrumbler, stovens, lamin8r and 3 others like this.

  2. #2987
    fitzwilly's Avatar
    fitzwilly is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    FLUSHING, MICHIGAN
    Car Year, Make, Model: 59 FORD FAIRLANE 500 GALAXIE
    Posts
    207

    A Californian and an Texan were deer hunting in the brush of south
    Texas when an illegal alien runs across a clearing. The Texan takes
    careful aim, shoots and kills him.

    "You can't do that!" cried the Californian.

    "It's legal here in Texas " replies the Texan.

    Later that night the Californian goes to town to buy some beer
    from Wal-Mart. He puts the beer on the roof of his truck and while
    he's making room behind the seat, an illegal alien runs by, grabs
    the beer and runs away. The Californian draws his pistol, shoots
    and kills him. As he is retrieving his beer the police come and arrest
    him.

    "But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas !"
    protests the Californian.

    "Well, yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."

  3. #2988
    fitzwilly's Avatar
    fitzwilly is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    FLUSHING, MICHIGAN
    Car Year, Make, Model: 59 FORD FAIRLANE 500 GALAXIE
    Posts
    207

    After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left.

    Then the Doctor's nurse came in. As she shut the door, she looked at me and then
    she slowly whispered, very cautiously into my ear, so that no one else could hear,

    'Who Was That?'
    lamin8r likes this.

  4. #2989
    stovens's Avatar
    stovens is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Petaluma
    Car Year, Make, Model: 48 Ford F1
    Posts
    9,506

    What's that smell, she wispered!
    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

  5. #2990
    42K3's Avatar
    42K3 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Redmond
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1942 IH K3
    Posts
    507

    A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC
    when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
    Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket
    and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the
    eyes of her screaming parents.

    The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage, and hits
    the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

    Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting
    go of the girl; and, the biker brings her to her terrified
    parents who thank him endlessly.
    A reporter had watched the entire event.

    The reporter said to the Harley rider, 'Sir, this was the
    most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do
    in my whole life.'

    The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really,
    the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in
    danger and acted as I felt right.'

    The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go
    unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's
    paper will have this story on the front page. So, tell me,
    what do you do for a living and what political
    affiliations do you have?'

    The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

    The journalist leaves.

    The following morning the biker buys the paper out of
    curiosity to see if it, indeed, brings news of his actions,
    and reads, on the front page:

    U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
    AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

    And that pretty much sums up the media's
    approach to the news these days.

  6. #2991
    rspears's Avatar
    rspears is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Gardner, KS
    Car Year, Make, Model: '33 HiBoy Coupe
    Posts
    9,519

    Praise Time

     



    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.​ Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

    She said, "I have a​ ​praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck​ ​and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."​ ​

    You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as​ ​they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

    "Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and​ ​every move caused him terrible pain.​ ​We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it​ ​turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants o​f Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."​

    ​Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed​ ​uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.​

    ​"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is​ ​out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum​ ​should recover completely."​

    ​All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and​ ​tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.​ ​A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.​

    ​He said, "Hi, I'm Phil."

    The entire congregation held its breath. "I​ ​just want to tell my wife, the​ ​word is ​'​sternum​'​."
    Rrumbler, 34_40, lamin8r and 3 others like this.
    Roger
    Enjoy the little things in life, and you may look back one day and realize that they were really the BIG things.

  7. #2992
    42K3's Avatar
    42K3 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Redmond
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1942 IH K3
    Posts
    507

    A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
    Nothing was moving.
    Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
    "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
    We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
    "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
    The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
    34_40 and stovens like this.

  8. #2993
    42K3's Avatar
    42K3 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Redmond
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1942 IH K3
    Posts
    507

    An old man and an old woman we're fooling around in the closet at a nursing home.

    Things were getting hot and heavy. The woman says to the man:

    "I should warn you, I have acute angina."

    The man replied:

    "Thank God, your tits look like hell!"

  9. #2994
    42K3's Avatar
    42K3 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Redmond
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1942 IH K3
    Posts
    507

    An American tourist asks a Newfoundlander:
    " Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off the boats ?"
    To which the Newfoundlander replies:
    " Lord tunderin' boyo, you be stunned as me arse. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin' boat "
    Jack F likes this.

  10. #2995
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
    Kiwidreamer is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Tauranga
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1960 Lincoln Premier
    Posts
    361

    A RIDE IN THE TAXI
    A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
    "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
    "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
    The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with a lot of men for money."
    The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
    His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
    After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
    "Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.
    40FordDeluxe likes this.

  11. #2996
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    649

    A fellow stopped at a rural service station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

    One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old hole.

    The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.
    "I can't stand this," said the man heading down the road toward the men.

    "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

    "Well, we work for the county council, " one of the men said.

    "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

    "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back...



    Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work!"
    42K3, rspears, Jack F and 1 others like this.

  12. #2997
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Tigard
    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
    Posts
    2,193

    His name was Bubba, he was from Texas ... And he needed a loan, So...
    He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan
    Officer.

    He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an
    International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow
    $5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

    The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan,
    so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was
    parked on the street in front of the bank.

    The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

    Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh
    at the Redneck from the Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
    collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
    bank's private underground garage and parked it.

    Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
    interest of 23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to
    have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
    nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

    While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumni from Texas A & M, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

    The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my
    car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

    His name was BUBBA.... Keep an eye on those Texas boys!

    Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid !!!
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  13. #2998
    40FordDeluxe's Avatar
    40FordDeluxe is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Prairie City
    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Ford Deluxe, 68 Corvette, 72&76 K30
    Posts
    6,550
    Blog Entries
    1

    Have you guys heard there is a new drug on the market for depressed lesbian women? The new drug brings joy back to their lives along with new found pleasure. What's this vastly new drug you ask? Trydixagain.
    42K3, 34_40 and Mudduck3 like this.
    Ryan
    1940 Ford Deluxe Tudor 354 Hemi 46RH Electric Blue w/multi-color flames, Ford 9" Residing in multiple pieces
    1968 Corvette Coupe 5.9 Cummins Drag Car 11.43@130mph No stall leaving the line with 1250 rpm's and poor 2.2 60'
    1972 Chevy K30 Longhorn P-pumped 24v Compound Turbos 47RH Just another money pit
    1971 Camaro RS 5.3 BTR Stage 3 cam, SuperT10
    Tire Sizes

  14. #2999
    firebird77clone's Avatar
    firebird77clone is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Hamilton
    Car Year, Make, Model: 69 nomad, 73 charger, 74 vega
    Posts
    3,480

    Reality is funnier than fiction

     



    A good friend of mine says her doctor of many years, is an Indian woman by the name of Aranus.

    I told my friend that her gynecologist missed her proper specialization by two centimeters.
    .
    Education is expensive. Keep that in mind, and you'll never be terribly upset when a project goes awry.
    EG

  15. #3000
    42K3's Avatar
    42K3 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Redmond
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1942 IH K3
    Posts
    507

    After retiring, a former Gunnery Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

    Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body.Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat.

    On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

    Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

    Dead silence.

    The rest of the year went smoothly

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Links monetized by VigLink