Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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My girl friend says that a small penis shouldn't be a problem in any relationship. I just wish she didn't have one.

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century" she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad." I can tell you this.... that fly on my car never knew what hit him... but it sure messed up my paint job.

Blonde MEN Jokes

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
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Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take
them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said:
"Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you
because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
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A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts:
"Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...
it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
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A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blonde man says, "Wait,
I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
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A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out
how to pick it up.
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A blond man shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are
only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"
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A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk.
Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another,
then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about
all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
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A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
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A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and
sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".
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(This one actually makes sense...)

An Italian tourist asks a blonde man:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards
off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies:
"If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

A very successful American lawyer parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office,
ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted
right and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less
Porsche with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about
how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter
how any car body shop tried to make it new again, it would never be the same.

Being an lawyer, he was going to sue the truck driver, his employer and even the
driver´s education teacher!

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are!" he said.

"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed
when the truck hit you!"

"Oh sh**!" screamed the lawyer. . .

"My Rolex!"

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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

For Ray "Scooting" - The Chili Cook-Off

Now Roger, next time you visit these parts as Judge Number 3, let me know and I will buy you a beer.

Originally Posted by Scooting

For Ray "Scooting" - The Chili Cook-Off

Now Roger, next time you visit these parts as Judge Number 3, let me know and I will buy you a beer.

Ray, as I remember that story I'll probably be needin' a case of beer, but no money wasted on the "good stuff"!!

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever
seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and
pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer, panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied:
"Go look in the garage"

The Darwin's are out ...

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed,
honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in
Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire
wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a
little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting
negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he
also lost a finger... The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in
Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably,
he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20
mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.
Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital,
telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies... The
deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.


5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received
from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that
he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for
change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all
the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from
the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got
from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime
committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just
throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he
lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced
back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store
window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse
and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a
detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher.
They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the
car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her.
That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in
Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him
down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the
man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle
street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for... Police arrived
at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged
his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle
declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

They're out there and they breed!

A gynecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and health insurance paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become an auto mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. This equaled an A+. After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

It won't start!

https://videos.files.wordpress.com/X...leaner_dvd.mp4

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a woman
in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph
with her face up next to her rear view mirror
putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds
to continue shaving and when I looked back,
she was halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily,but she scared
me so much I had to put on my seat belt and
I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked
the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out
the car using my knees against the steering
wheel it knocked my Cell Phone away from
my ear which fell into my coffee which was
between my legs, splashed, and burned
Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone,
soaked my trousers, and disconnected an
important call.

Damn women drivers!

UNHAPPY GOLFER........




A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."

He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch !!"

Pre-Med Test Question
Rearrange the following letters to form the body part that performs best when rigid and upright, while maintaining a degree of flexibility.

PESIN

Those that answered "SPINE" are writing prescriptions today. The rest of us work on cars, pipes, or other forms of mental/physical labor.

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath!'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned!'
Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Paso , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.


As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.


The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
"Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said,
"No, I never did dance... Never really wanted to.."


A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.


The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.


Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.


The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was almost deafening.


The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"


The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir...... But.. I've always wanted to."