Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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An old farmer is sitting on his porch when a young kid walks by with a big length of chicken wire under his arm.

The farmer asks, "Where you goin and whats that under your arm boy?"

The boy says, "this here's chicken wire and I'm gonna catch me some chickens!"

The farmer laughs and says, "you can't catch chickens with chicken wire you fool!"

The boy keeps walking. When he returns about an hour later he has a bunch of chickens under each arm.

The old farmer says, "well I'll be damned!"

The next day the kid comes walking by and the farmer asks him where he's going and what he has in his hand.

The kid replies, "this heres duck tape and I'm gonna catch me some ducks!"

The old farmer starts laughing and says, "you can't catch ducks with duck tape."

The kid says, "sure I can" and keeps walking. He comes back about an hour later and he's got ducks under each arm.

The old farmer doesn't know what to say.

The following day the kid comes by again.

The farmer says, what do ya have in your hand today?

The kid says, "this heres pussy willow".

The farmer says, "Hold on I'll get my Hat!"

Ever wonder HOW Pumkin Pie is made..............

Washington, D.C., an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see President Obama and Speaker Pelosi before I die,” whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Pelosi, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN."

Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally, President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen," said Obama. "Amen," said Pelosi.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same.”

What pumpkins don't want you to see!!

Proof of global warming.......

An sixtyish man had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with a picnic
table, a nice deck, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the gentleman decided to go to his pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over..

He grabbed a five- gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

BOB HOPE IN HEAVEN

For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents.
And thanks for the memories

I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.

Tribute to a man who DID make a difference.

ON TURNING 70
'You still chase women, but only downhill'.
ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'
ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'
ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact … I don't feel anything until noon. Then … it's time for my nap.'
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.'
ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'
ON PRESIDENTS
' I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'"
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'
ON GOING TO HEAVEN…
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter … on a technicality.'

Give me a sense of humor Lord. Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life.

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
***************************************************

That reminds me of the Cessna that crashed in a Dublin cemetry,rescue workers have recovered 200 bodies so far...

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

We'll be friends until we are old and senile. Then we'll be new friends.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Sometimes I wonder....."Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me...

I can't remember, but,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

THOSE over 50 are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves..
Feeling 'young' , we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.
Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO
NOT go together and should be avoided:

1.. A nose ring and bifocals

2.. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5.. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10.. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Mini skirts and varicose veins

And, Most importantly

At some point you have to give up the 'DAISY DUKE' shorts

His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.

Some funny stuff in here, now keep an open mind, this is meant to be humor.


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started....
___________________________

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started...
___________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...
_______________________________

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....
__________________________________________________ ______________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started....
_____________________________

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...
___________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...
__________________________________________________ ______________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
__________________________________________________ ______________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. There was always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp