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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #2956
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    As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

    He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

    The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs after a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.

    The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly. No answer.

    He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again & again. No answer.

    So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

    The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
    The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
    ted dehaan and Rrumbler like this.

  2. #2957
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    On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

    Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

    He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

    "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

    The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

    Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

    The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

    At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

    They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
    Rrumbler and RichB like this.
    " "No matter where you go, there you are!" Steve.

  3. #2958
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    Seniors' Tax Return

    I just received my tax return for 2014 back from the Revenue Canada. It puzzles me!!!

    They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

    I guess it was because of my response to the line : "List all dependents" ...

    I replied: 2 million Native Indians; 1 million crack heads; 7.3 million unemployed people; 100,000 people in prisons; Half of Haiti; 105 Senators and 308 Members of Parliament.
    Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

    I KEEP ASKING MYSELF,










    WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?

    .
    Rrumbler likes this.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  4. #2959
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    Golf Panties....

    The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

    'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
    'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

    The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'


    Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'



    She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

    Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

    Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

    'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

    The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'
    Rrumbler and stovens like this.

  5. #2960
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    Engineer joke-------
    What do you get if you divide the diameter of a pumpkin by 3.1416???

    Pumpkin Pi!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. #2961
    Rrumbler is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Quote Originally Posted by jerry clayton View Post
    Engineer joke-------
    What do you get if you divide the diameter of a pumpkin by 3.1416???

    Pumpkin Pi!!!!!!!!!!!
    Boo-Hiss!!!

    .
    rspears likes this.
    Rrumbler, Aka: Hey you, "Old School", Hairy, and other unsavory monickers.

    Twistin' and bangin' on stuff for about sixty or so years; beat up and busted, but not entirely dead - yet.

  7. #2962
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    Car Keys

     



    They weren't in my pockets!

    Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

    Then, I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

    There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"

    Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me?"

    He retorted, "I will; just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"
    Rrumbler likes this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  8. #2963
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    More senior humor.



    AGING HUMOR


    It’s hell to be in your seventies….older people have problems that you haven’t even considered yet!
    Consider this: A 75-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examination.
    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”
    The next day the 75-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
    The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, “Well, doc, it’s like this – first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
    The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”
    The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open!”

    Got this from my daughter, somehow she thought I might see the connection.
    Jack.
    Last edited by Jack F; 09-07-2015 at 08:41 AM.
    www.clubhotrod.com/forums/showthread.php?t=44081

  9. #2964
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
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    A distressed but attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.

    A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

    The woman said "Get away from me you sicko!"

    The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

  10. #2965
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    Aussie cricketer:

    An English lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
    "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

    "Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

    "In the park just down the road" she replied.

    "Can you describe what happened?”
    "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me into there;”

    “He removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
    "Could you give me a description of him?"
    "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

    "Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

    "Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian Cricketer".

    "That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

    "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
    lamin8r likes this.

  11. #2966
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    I wonder if that cured her from wanting to jump.

    Jack.
    www.clubhotrod.com/forums/showthread.php?t=44081

  12. #2967
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    A Retired Person's Perspective

    1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just
    saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

    2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

    3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very cross.

    4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they
    drink like their fathers.

    5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like
    someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

    6. I don't like making plans for the day....because then the word
    "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

    7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,508 days in a row.

    8. I decided to change calling the bathroom "the John" and renamed it "the Jim". I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning".

    9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for
    murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?

    10. Politicians should have two terms - one in office and the other in prison


    Just remember Einstein's comment:

    "There is a major difference between intelligence and stupidity;
    intelligence has its limits."
    lamin8r, Jack F and Kiwidreamer like this.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  13. #2968
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    Warning about eBay



    Be careful what you buy on eBay.

    If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

    A friend has just spent $295 on a penis enlarger‎

    The bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

    The only instructions were "Do not use in direct sunlight"
    stovens and Jack F like this.

  14. #2969
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    I just received from the New Zealand Inland Revenue Dept. an audit on my tax return for 2014, it’s really puzzling me!!!
    They are questioning the number of dependants that I claimed for.
    Their question was ............. "List all your dependants?"
    I replied, "1,000 muslim immigrants that we provide everything for; 1,000 crack / dope heads in rehab; 100,000 bludgers choosing to be on the dole and not even looking for work, 10,000 people in prison, the whole Treaty of Waitangi Gravy Train, 3,000 overstayers here for a ‘working holiday’ and the 120 tossers in the Beehive !!!!
    They told me that this was NOT the correct answer..
    SO I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, "WHO THE HELL DID I FORGET "?
    lamin8r likes this.

  15. #2970
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    Texan Sex:

    Two cowboys were out drinkin' and talkin' about their favorite sex positions.
    One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.'
    'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other Texan.
    'What is it?'
    'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
    Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear:
    'By Je'ez, these feel just like your sister's.’

    'Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.'
    ted dehaan and stovens like this.

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