Welcome to Club Hot Rod!  The premier site for everything to do with Hot Rod, Customs, Low Riders, Rat Rods, and more. 

  •  » Members from all over the US and the world!
  •  » Help from all over the world for your questions
  •  » Build logs for you and all members
  •  » Blogs
  •  » Image Gallery
  •  » Many thousands of members and hundreds of thousands of posts! 

YES! I want to register an account for free right now!  p.s.: For registered members this ad will NOT show

 
Like Tree2730Likes

Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

Reply To Thread
Page 199 of 227 FirstFirst ... 99 149 189 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 209 ... LastLast
Results 2,971 to 2,985 of 3391
  1. #2971
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
    Kiwidreamer is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Tauranga
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1960 Lincoln Premier
    Posts
    361

    GOOD THINKING OFFICER.


    "OLD WOMAN SHOOTS HUSBAND"

    A police officer called his Chief at the station on his radio.

    "I have an interesting case here Sir. An old lady just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."

    "Have you arrested the woman?"

    "Not yet. The floor's still wet."
    ted dehaan, stovens and Jack F like this.

  2. #2972
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
    Kiwidreamer is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Tauranga
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1960 Lincoln Premier
    Posts
    361

    IRISH GHOST STORY:

    This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's supposedly true.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~
    John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.


    John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.


    Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.


    Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.


    A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and wasn't drunk.

    Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other:

    "Look Paddy..there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
    lamin8r likes this.

  3. #2973
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
    Kiwidreamer is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Tauranga
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1960 Lincoln Premier
    Posts
    361

    A Beautiful Golf Story...



    Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

    When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

    Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

    On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

    So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

    Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

    Ed said, “I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
    stovens, lamin8r and Jack F like this.

  4. #2974
    robot's Avatar
    robot is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Tucson
    Car Year, Make, Model: 39 Ford Coupe, 32 Ford Roadster
    Posts
    2,335

    Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

    One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

    His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

    "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage
    and you probably should just consider selling your cars along with your gun collection.

    Tom gets this horrified look on his face.

    She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

    "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

    "Ex wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE !!!"

    Tom's reply: "I wasn't........."

  5. #2975
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
    Kiwidreamer is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Tauranga
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1960 Lincoln Premier
    Posts
    361

    Longest Nerve In The Body:

    Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that
    Connects the eyeball to the anus?

    It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving
    People a shitty outlook on life.

    If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your Ass
    And see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

  6. #2976
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
    Kiwidreamer is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Tauranga
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1960 Lincoln Premier
    Posts
    361

    Why seniors still need newspapers

    I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century" she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here… use my iPad.”




    I can tell you this….. that friggin' fly never knew what hit him...

  7. #2977
    Mudduck3's Avatar
    Mudduck3 is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Long Beach
    Car Year, Make, Model: 65 Mustang
    Posts
    98

    lawn mower and electric fences

    We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
    >
    > Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works..
    >
    > One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
    >
    > It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
    >
    > Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
    >
    > Time stood still.
    >
    > The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
    >
    > It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shucks lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
    >
    > Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
    >
    > At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of shucks chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
    >
    > This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
    >
    > 'be nice!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
    >
    > Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
    >
    > So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
    >
    > I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.
    >
    > I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
    >
    > There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire..
    >
    > Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
    >
    > 1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
    >
    > 2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
    >
    > 3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
    >
    > 4 - My left eye will not open.
    >
    > 5 - My right eye will not close.
    >
    > 6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
    >
    > 7 - My testicles are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
    >
    > 8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this!!!).
    >
    > That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
    >
    > The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
    stovens, lamin8r and Kiwidreamer like this.

  8. #2978
    robot's Avatar
    robot is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Tucson
    Car Year, Make, Model: 39 Ford Coupe, 32 Ford Roadster
    Posts
    2,335

    A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

    "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

    The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

    "I'm dying here and you're putting??

    "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

    "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

    "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
    ___________________________

    A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.

    What's your secret?"

    Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
    ___________________________

    A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

    The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

    The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

    The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

    The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

    The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
    ___________________________

    Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

    The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

    "Yes" says the woman.

    "Did you hit him with that golf club?"

    "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

    "How many times did you hit him?"

    "I don't know -- put me down for a five."
    ___________________________

    A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

    The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?
    ___________________________

    The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

    She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

    He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

  9. #2979
    robot's Avatar
    robot is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Tucson
    Car Year, Make, Model: 39 Ford Coupe, 32 Ford Roadster
    Posts
    2,335

    Things I trust more than Hillary -- all in fun

    * Mexican tap water

    * A rattlesnake with a "pet me" sign

    * OJ Simpson showing me his knife collection

    * A fart when I have diarrhea

    * An elevator ride with Ray Rice

    * Taking pills offered by Bill Cosby

    * Michael Jackson's Doctor

    * An Obama Nuclear deal with Iran

    * A Palestinian on a motorcycle

    * Gas station Sushi

    * A Jimmy Carter economic plan

    * Brian Williams news reports

    * Loch Ness monster sightings

    * Prayers for peace from Al Sharpton

  10. #2980
    TOW'D is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Bella Coola
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1948 Thames E83W- and many others
    Posts
    659

    This guy is driving down the highway in his corvette and sees a hitchhiker with a big dog. So he stops and tells the guy he would give him a ride, but there's not room for the dog. The hitchhiker says "I can tie his leash on the back bumper."

    The corvette driver says "that dog can't keep up." The hitchhiker says "oh yeah, he's pretty fast."

    So he ties the dog on the back bumper and they get in and take off. The driver gets up to 20 mph, looks in the mirror and the dog is trotting along behind. He kicks it up to 50, looks in the mirror and the dog is just loping along . So he kicks it up to 80, looks in the mirror and the dog is running all out.

    He thinks Damn, I gotta take another look at this dog. So he slams on the brakes and they get out and walk to the back of the vette. The dog is just standing there. The driver says "that's the fastest dog I've ever seen.

    But what's that red ring around his neck?" The hitchhiker says "that's his a$$hole, he's not used to stopping that fast."
    42K3, lamin8r and 40FordDeluxe like this.

  11. #2981
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
    Kiwidreamer is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Tauranga
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1960 Lincoln Premier
    Posts
    361

    I thought you might be interested in this latest Biblical news flash.

    MARIJUANA AND MARRIAGE:

    For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two laws.
    They legalised gay marriage and legalised marijuana.
    The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalised on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense.

    Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned".

    Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

  12. #2982
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
    Kiwidreamer is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Tauranga
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1960 Lincoln Premier
    Posts
    361

    While visiting the United Kingdom , Winnie Mandela was invited to a cocktail party which was also to be attended by Margaret Thatcher.

    When Winnie saw the ex-prime minister on the other side of the room, she barged past everyone, spilling the drinks of several invited guests on the way.
    Winnie elbowed her way to Maggie, stood brazenly in front of her and declared, "I hear they call you the Iron Lady!"

    "I have been referred to by that name, yes," replied Maggie, peering down her nose at this impudent upstart.

    "And whom, may I enquire, do I have the honour of addressing?" asked Maggie icily.

    "I am the iron lady of South Africa!" bragged Winnie, waving her fist in the air.

    "Oh, yes," replied Maggie dryly. "And for whom do you iron?"
    Rrumbler, stovens and 40FordDeluxe like this.

  13. #2983
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
    Kiwidreamer is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Tauranga
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1960 Lincoln Premier
    Posts
    361

    Golfer Surgery:

    A golfer was in a car accident and lost his arm. He was taken to hospital and just before he was put under, the surgeon dropped in to see him "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
    "Oh God, no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc what's the good news?
    "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
    "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
    The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
    "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
    "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
    "Not only that," continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colours."
    "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
    "Well, there is just one problem" said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection I also get a splitting headache."
    Rrumbler, 42K3, stovens and 3 others like this.

  14. #2984
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
    Kiwidreamer is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Tauranga
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1960 Lincoln Premier
    Posts
    361

    Catholic girls:


    A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary-Agnes, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"

    She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

    St. Peter says," Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

    St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?”

    The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."

    St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

    All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

    When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Agatha! What seems to be the rush?"

    The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Brenda sticks her arse in it.
    Rrumbler, 42K3, stovens and 3 others like this.

  15. #2985
    Kiwidreamer's Avatar
    Kiwidreamer is offline CHR Member Visit my Photo Gallery
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Tauranga
    Car Year, Make, Model: 1960 Lincoln Premier
    Posts
    361

    When you're over 70 who gives a #*@!


    I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.
    This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said, "You're kind of cute, you gotta a phone number?"
    I said, “Yea, you gotta pen?"
    She said "Yea", I got a pen".
    I said, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer misses you".
    Cost me 6 stitches.
    When you are over seventy . . . who gives a ****



    Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
    Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
    Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."
    When you are over seventy, who gives a ****

    ***********
    I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
    "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
    I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
    When you are over seventy, who gives a ****

    ***********
    I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
    "Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
    After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
    I said, "Yesterday."
    When you are over seventy, who gives a ****

    ***********
    I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
    The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
    When you are over seventy, who gives a ****

    ***********
    I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
    The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
    I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
    When you are over seventy, who gives a ****
    Rrumbler, stovens, lamin8r and 1 others like this.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Links monetized by VigLink