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Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel
          
   
   

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  1. #2611
    MelloYello's Avatar
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    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  2. #2612
    HOSS429's Avatar
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    Last night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital ICU.There were tubes up my nose and down my throat, and machines monitoring my every function.
    I had a horrible pain in my head over my left ear, but I managed to hear the gorgeous nurse hovering over me tell me that I had been in a serious accident.
    She looked at me deep and steady and I heard her slowly say "You may not feel anything from the waist down, Sir".
    I managed to mumble in reply ,well .. " Can I feel your tits, then?"
    iv`e used up all my sick days at work .. can i call in dead ?

  3. #2613
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    Norwegian husband, Olef, sent a text message to his wife one night that read:
    “Lena, I’m having 1 more beer with Sven.”
    “If I’m not home in 1 hour .... read this message again.”
    Olef
    lamin8r likes this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  4. #2614
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    "Duct Tape, the Handyman's Secret Weapon !"

    https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10202763511232620
    stovens likes this.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  5. #2615
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    Truth: Recently the Houston Independent School District has directed four schools to change the name of their mascots. They are the Lamar High School Redskins, Westbury High School Rebels, Hamilton Middle School Indians and Welch Middle School Warriors. Source: Channel 9 Fox News.

    Rumor: I have also heard that there are lots of people still complaining about the name of the NFL team, The Washington Redskins, and rumor has it that their Administrative Office is seriously considering changing their name to Redskins because of Public pressure.
    .
    " I'm drinking from my saucer, 'cause my cup is overflowed ! "

  6. #2616
    glennsexton's Avatar
    glennsexton is offline CHR Member/Contributor Visit my Photo Gallery
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    Tigard
    Car Year, Make, Model: 63 Nova SS
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    For the cat people among us...
    Attached Images
    lamin8r and MelloYello like this.
    "Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty." John Basil Barnhil

  7. #2617
    RestoRod's Avatar
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    Car Year, Make, Model: 40 Graham Sharknose :58 MGA/Ford V6
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    A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
    A sign read: 'Don't miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
    There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
    Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
    Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

    The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

    Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign
    'Don't miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'.
    He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
    He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

    This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
    The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
    The crowd went wild!
    Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

    'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
    something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts

    'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'


    stovens, lamin8r and t-top havoc like this.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  8. #2618
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    Doug Smith is on his deathbed, knows the end is near.

    His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.


    "So", he says to them:


    "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

    "Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall."

    "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

    "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the Thames."

    The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she says ,

    "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have '
    accumulated all this property".

    Sarah replies, "Property? ... the friggin arsehole had a paper route!"


    Last edited by RestoRod; 01-29-2014 at 07:54 AM.
    lamin8r and t-top havoc like this.
    Remember, Freedom isn't Free, thousands have paid the price so you can enjoy what you have today.

    Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

  9. #2619
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    A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. He stands in the center of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head.

    Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, "What the hell are you doing?"

    The blind man turns toward the patron and says, "Oh, nothing, just looking around."
    lamin8r likes this.

  10. #2620
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    Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

    The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

    On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

    "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

    "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

    "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

    "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

    "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

    "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

    "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your a**hole before prison... .'"
    lamin8r, Jack F and t-top havoc like this.

  11. #2621
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    An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."
    Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."
    So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.
    The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.
    An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."
    The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like piss," he yells.
    "Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"
    34_40 likes this.

  12. #2622
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    Guy: Would you be offended if I told you that your hair smells nice?
    Girl: Not at all.
    Guy: What if I was a midget?

  13. #2623
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    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's enjoying it, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, he somehow swallows it whole.
    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"
    The guy says, "No, what?"
    "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
    The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
    Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
    "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
    "No, what?" replies the guy.
    "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!" says the bartender.
    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy.
    "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
    Rrumbler, 34_40 and lamin8r like this.

  14. #2624
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    A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, "Hmm, a beer would be really nice right now." So he began to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar.
    The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says, "Bud Light please."
    The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, "What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis."
    The bartender, calming the man, said, "Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I'll serve you a drink."
    The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, "Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I'll order when I come up with something."
    So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin."
    The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice, "I call my Ford, because it is built ram tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?"
    Again, the man quickly turns away. Then, suddenly he says, "Bartender, come here, I am ready to order."
    The bartender says, "What'll ya have?"
    The man says, "A Bud Light please."
    The bartender asks, "What is the name of your penis?"
    The man responds, "Secret... strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

  15. #2625
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    A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
    The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
    "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
    Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
    "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
    "What's it telling you now?"
    "Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."
    The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
    The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"
    34_40 and lamin8r like this.

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