Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

Tweet

When we were young, we used to sneak out of our homes to go to parties.

Now we're older we sneak out of parties to go home.

So my littlest grandkid asked me, "Grandpa, where's poo come from?" Always the engineer I struggled with the level of detail needed to explain without getting overly technical and came up with what I thought was a good summary level explanation of the intake of food, chewing, digestion and how the body makes energy by using all of the good parts of the food, leaving everything that can't be used as waste, that comes from our bottom as "poo".

He listened attentively, but the look on his face showed quite a bit of concern. After a pause he finally asked, "And Tigger?"

Someone ripped the 5th month from my calendar.

I'm dismayed......

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom.
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trails, Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, At the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.Coli)- bacteria Found in Faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 Kilo of poop.
However;
We do not run the risk when drinking wine&beer.(Or tequila, rum, whisky in a jug or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process.
of boiling, filtering and or fermenting.
Remember:

Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than drink water and be full of Poop

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!

A married couple were on safari when a lion leaps from the bush and drags the husband off.

"SHOOT" he screams at his wife. "SHOOT!"

"I CAN'T!" she shouts back, 'YOU HAVE THE CAMERA!"

An old man had always wanted a pair of fancy cowboy boots so on a vacation out west he found a man who custom made him a pair of them.

He came back to the hotel where he and his wife were staying and was wearing his fancy new boots with his jeans tucked it to really show off his boots. He walked in and asked his wife "Notice anything different?"

She glance over and said "Nope".

The old man went in the bathroom and stripped down stark naked and put his boots back on and walked back out and asked again "Now do you see anything different?"

His wife looked and said "Nope. It was hanging down before and its still hanging down now!"

The old man replied "Its hanging down because it is looking at my brand new boots!"

The old lady shook her head and replied "Then you should have bought a hat instead!"

My Visa was declined at the sweater shop.

So the cashier had to ask for my cardigan.

Never buy flowers from monks.

That way you can stop florist friars.

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.



If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're a twat.

Jesus is coming! Look Busy.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

Get a new car for your partner - it should be a good trade!

Chastity is curable.............. if detected early enough

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of checks

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

I have friends who swear they dream in color...I think it's just a pigment of their imagination.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I couldn't care less about apathy.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

My favorite tee shirt: “Please tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyeballs”

Little known fact. The famous actor Raymond Burr had a lumberjack brother named Tim.

The missus told me to put tomato sauce on the shopping list.
I don't know why.
Now I can't read a word of it.

I phoned my Scottish boss this morning and said: "Sorry boss, I won't be able to come in today, I've got a bit of a cough."
He said: "You have a wee cough laddie?"
I said: "Oh thanks boss - see you next week!"

I'd bet Jehovah Witnesses have some good knock knock jokes...

I've just started my new year's resolution to be less lazy.