Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Along the lines of TOW'D's multi-colored egg tale, an old, retired Navy guy was sitting on a park bench enjoying the sunshine and spring weather when a group of young folks came and sat nearby, talking trash to one another, playing loud rap "music" and generally destroying the peaceful nature of the park for everyone else. One boy had a tall mohawk hairdo standing 6" high, waxed stiff, dyed all the colors of the rainbow, plus colorful sleeve tatoos on both arms. The grizzled old sailor was sitting there, looking at the young guy and after a while the kid called out, "Hey old man, what are you looking at? How about you mind your own business and leave us alone!!"
The grizzled sailor paused a bit, and with his raspy voice said, "I'm sorry son, but I was taken back about 20 years to a night outside of Shanghai where I got so drunk they told me the next morning that I'd made love to a parrot. I guess I was just wondering if you might be my grandson!"

A Horse walks into a bar and the Bartender says " Why the long face".

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally , it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age ,the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before.

"Dad there is something my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He said I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags, and a fantastic bumper," the 16-year-old said.

Dad's response: "Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, then I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe!"

I can't find my Gone in 60 Seconds DVD.

It was here a minute ago.

I bought a new toilet brush five days ago.

Long story short; I'm shifting back to paper.

My hens got too old to lay anymore, so I went to a chicken farm to buy some more to replace them. The farmer told me that the only chickens they had left were an exotic breed from the mountain ranges in Asia, so I bought ten young hens from him.
Three months later I noticed that one of them was obviously a rooster.
Then I noticed he was laying eggs too!
What on earth is happening here?
So I went back to the farmer taking the rooster with me to ask him what on earth is going on here.
He took one look at it and told me: "Oh it's obvious. Himalayan rooster!

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said “Unfortunately, there’s only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, “Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity.”
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, “OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
“Sorry, Dolly,” said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.

I got sent to the shop this morning to bring home six cans of Sprite.
When I got home I got yelled at by SWMBO.
It turns ought I'd picked 7Up.

"How's the diet going?"
"I had eggs for breakfast."
"Fried or scrambled?"
"Neither. Cadbury's."

I know a guy that is really clever. He makes guitars out of pool cues.

He calls them acuestick guitars.

So a female employee got an expensive pen as a birthday gift from her boss. She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email:

Boss’s wife read the email and filed for divorce.

The email said: Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. Thanks a lot.!

Moral: A "space" is an essential part of English grammar!

I launched a set of books today aimed at small children.

Even managed to hit three of the little beggars...

I met my wife at a singles dance.

I was quite surprised, as I thought she was at home with the kids.

This young Cowboy in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day.
The young Cowboy walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."
"Tell me, tell me," said the young Cowboy. "Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Definitely," said the old man.
The young Cowboy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"
"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "It sure will," said the old man.
The young Cowboy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?" "One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."
The young Cowboy didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man.
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"No," said the old man, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much!"