Thread: the Official CHR joke page duel

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Better than being a proctologist.

Jack.

Did my Laundry today

Exercise for People Over 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to a 10-lb potato bag.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level).

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Another potato joke,

This rather handsome man is cruising up and down the beach on the French Riviera looking for some action with no results. During his passes he sees a ugly, scroungy, skinny man surrounded by a bevy of beautiful young ladies. Finally he sees the old fellow walking his way so he stops him and says, I've been cruising this beach for an hour and can't get a single girl. I see the girls all over you, what is your secret? The old man says, go to the store, get a big potato and drop it in your trunks. The handsome man thanks him and does just that. An hour or so later the old guy sees the handsome man alone and looking depressed so he asks him, how did you do? Terrible he replies, I did what you said, I've been walking this beach for an hour and the girls seem to shy away from me. The old guy says let me have a look. Oh my garsh says the old guy, you are supposed to put it in the front.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The moral of the story?

If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

An elderly Father is visiting his Son in prison and tells him that he's just not in good enuff shape to cultivate the garden and plant potatoes this year.

His son tells him not to bother that garden area because that's where he buried all those guns.

Having monitored the conversation, the next day the Law shows up and digs and digs the entire garden area but they find nothing.

The father goes back and tells his son that the Law dug up his garden but didn't find any guns.

His Son says, "I know Dad, now go ahead and plant your taters, that's the best I could do from here!"

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

one more time for this old one


Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do
you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more
confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out
of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and
willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost
immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome
any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are
pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't
mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include: Dizziness, nausea, vomiting,
incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of
money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing,
headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and
play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings: The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think
you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can
sing.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that
you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many
people as you feel may benefit!

Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or Merlot..

LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM!

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the HECK would you say?"

old mule
An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tended to plough a lot.
One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?," the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Last Fall my buddy asked me if I knew of a good place to hunt. I said I did and the next morning he and I loaded up our rifles and headed for our hunting area.
"First I have to stop and ask the landowner for permission to hunt on his land. He's an old friend of mine so I know he'll say OK, but out of respect I'll stop and ask."
We arrived at the location and I went to the farmhouse door while my hunting buddy sat in the car.
"Hey Jake," I sad when he came to the door. "My buddy and I would like to hunt your land today. Is that OK?"
"Sure ," he said. "But as long as you're here I have a favor to ask. My old mule is sick and needs to be put down but I don't have the heart to do it. Since you have your gun with you would you put him out of his misery for me?"
"I understand," I said. I'd be glad to help an old friend," and I headed back to the car.
Thinking I'd have some fun with my hunting partner I pretended to be angry and pissed off when I got back to the car. "That dirty SOB," I grumbled. "He told me to get off his land and stay off or he'd call the cops. I'll teach him to mess with me." With that I pulled my rifle out of the trunk, loaded it up, took aim and dropped the old mule with one shot between his eyes.
"What do you think of that?" I asked my buddy, without turning around.
Instantly two more shots rang out. "Lets get the hell out of here," he screamed. "I just got two of his cows!"

Do any of you old hot rod guys recognize this carburetor and do you know if it would fit a small block 1956 Chevy?

Originally Posted by 34_40

Do any of you old hot rod guys recognize this carburetor and do you know if it would fit a small block 1956 Chevy?

believe that will fit an old wedgie block, but definately not a flatty!

“Hello. You have reached the ‘Men’s Help Line, My name is Bob. How can I help you?”

“Hi Bob. I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So I hid in the garage behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?”